Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Uneasy Lies The Head

The King looked around. It'd been years since he'd been in these surrounds. Nothing had changed here. And yet, everything seemed so very different from what it had been earlier. Maybe it was just him. The years spent away from his chamber seemed to have weakened him. Where once had slept a monarch who reigned supreme on whichever land he chose to set foot on, now there was an old man, too weak to continue. A minister asked if there was anything troubling him. No, there wasn't, and yet there was a restlessness, a restlessness masked by the seeming laziness that now formed part of everything he did.....he seemed content to just let things move, he thought.....how different from the time he had been the prime mover; and how different from the feeling that was eating him up within......and yet, was there anything he could do to change things? Maybe he was just thinking too much......

Motivation is a strange thing. All of us need it and we find it in the strangest places; some of us within ourselves and some outside. I keep saying and truly believe that all the answers lie within...and yet, for some reason, I am unable to summon up the will to push myself harder than I am doing. Even when I see everything pointing towards the fact that I am perhaps working at less than a tenth of my potential, I somehow fail to summon the will to try harder.

It was the same at work. I knew I could do better....and yet, I was achieving my targets, outperforming my peers and had been earmarked as a fast mover. Somehow, it didn't help. I kept telling myself that I was excellent at the work, cut out for it and would someday start enjoying it too. I tried blocking out everything but my work....and yet, I failed to drive myself harder. Minesweeper and Hearts seemed more appealing than work most of the time....was it the work? Judging by the enthusiasm levels of those around me, I'm inclined to think not. It was me. Somehow, it wasn't what I wanted to do.

My folks kept pressing on though. So I decided to escape for some time. Decided to take CAT. Knew I'd make it. Yeah, I know it sounds arrogant, but I was sure. I'd never really failed in anything I wanted. Thought these two years would help me sort out my thoughts and my life. Unfortunately, they only seem to have made it worse. At times, there is the feeling of really not giving a damn which way things go from here.....

Lost after gaining everything he desires,
Nothing quenches the thirst he feels,
Years of yearning fulfilled or lost,
Doesn't know whether or not to mourn,
What price would he be willing to pay,
Would he want to lose what he spent life to gain?
The fire's burnt out, the embers remain,
Is this success or defeat's champagne

Victory in the loss seems so empty,
The moment's joy for a lifetime's misery,
Wondering why he withdrew from the edge,
Was it only to confront his infirmity?
Handicapped by birth, crippled by the years,
Spent in searching for what he wants now to lose,
Lying spent, a wasted power,
He asks only for death's sweet succour

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