Meeting Myself

Was with some friends tonight. The walk back though was what made the time worthwhile. Sitting there seemed, at the beginning, to be exactly what the doctor had ordered. Yet, 15 minutes into the session, I knew I was out of place. Christ, these are my friends. The chaps I have spent almost every day with since I reached campus. Some of them I know since as far back as when I was 9.

And yet, somehow I was feeling like the odd man out. At the outset, this guy speaks about 'The Alchemist' and how he believes in its philosophy. I've just finished the book. Bullcrap, I say. He's being populist. All of us would like to believe that our dreams will come true, whether through our efforts or plain destiny ("the universe conspires to give it to you"). The opposition I faced was quite amusing.....specially when you consider that most of them hadn't even read the book.....and then I say I hate hypocrites, I thought....my own friends behaving like this? I shut my trap...and kept it that way except for the moments when I raised my glass.

I also reached the conclusion that I just live wrong. Towards the end, this chap drifts towards me. I barely know him. He started talking and something, somewhere struck a chord. I just listened and he just bared his soul. Normally, I hate the experience and walk away from such people. I hate people who can't tackle their own problems.....he looked at me and said at the end, 'Tell me, what the f*ck can I do? Actually, don't tell me, I'd not take your advice anyway". He lumbered off to his room after that and I was just speechless. The fact is that even if he had waited for me to say something, I would not have been able to.....I was just too shell-shocked. He was too similar to me....and while I may still be regarded as a "friend, philosopher and most importantly, GUIDE", by quite a few friends of mine, I would not have been able to say a word to this chap....his problems were too much like mine....and so was his reaction...."no1 can help me really". And I'm honest enough to admit it right now....at one level, everything I may advise a person is in a way a piece of hypocrisy. After all, who am I to have an opinion, when I can't solve myself? And no, that's not an error....I mean "solve myself"....

Anyway, one good thing, at least for myself....is that I am writing a lot....though yeah, if you are a regular visitor you're probably wishing I'd just stop the mindless drivel....:D

Hidden inside, within the dazzling smile,
Quivering hands rising so fast to hide,
Raising merry toasts, glass raised high,
Still the malaise continues to gnaw away inside

Smoke rings rise and start widening,
While my world continues to contract,
The white lines etched in my mind reach out a hand,
That sprawling on the ground, I just can’t deny

Still the crowds around wish me to laugh,
And with twinkling eyes continue to provide,
Wherever I arrive, must I be so benign?
Would hostility involve stoning beings in the skies?

But masks just seem to fall and faces crack
When leaden-footed angels tread streets lined by fires,
A careworn man turns inside seeking reasons to smile,
Slowly releases a sigh and breaks down to cry

And when people say that I should die,
For all I know they just might be right,
Head bowed to the power but still held high,
Fears of pain which every action denies

Birth of blinded eyes seeing virgin light,
Sight stolen? Or given up without a fight,
Crawling for the cover of tearful eyes,
Bitter drops like a pill preventing my flight

Contrasting desires making life a lie,
Valleys of Death never seemed so beautiful and wide,
My life’s wasting time, trying to wipe,
The slate of time, whose designs make maleficent sound nice