Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Meeting Myself

Was with some friends tonight. The walk back though was what made the time worthwhile. Sitting there seemed, at the beginning, to be exactly what the doctor had ordered. Yet, 15 minutes into the session, I knew I was out of place. Christ, these are my friends. The chaps I have spent almost every day with since I reached campus. Some of them I know since as far back as when I was 9.

And yet, somehow I was feeling like the odd man out. At the outset, this guy speaks about 'The Alchemist' and how he believes in its philosophy. I've just finished the book. Bullcrap, I say. He's being populist. All of us would like to believe that our dreams will come true, whether through our efforts or plain destiny ("the universe conspires to give it to you"). The opposition I faced was quite amusing.....specially when you consider that most of them hadn't even read the book.....and then I say I hate hypocrites, I thought....my own friends behaving like this? I shut my trap...and kept it that way except for the moments when I raised my glass.

I also reached the conclusion that I just live wrong. Towards the end, this chap drifts towards me. I barely know him. He started talking and something, somewhere struck a chord. I just listened and he just bared his soul. Normally, I hate the experience and walk away from such people. I hate people who can't tackle their own problems.....he looked at me and said at the end, 'Tell me, what the f*ck can I do? Actually, don't tell me, I'd not take your advice anyway". He lumbered off to his room after that and I was just speechless. The fact is that even if he had waited for me to say something, I would not have been able to.....I was just too shell-shocked. He was too similar to me....and while I may still be regarded as a "friend, philosopher and most importantly, GUIDE", by quite a few friends of mine, I would not have been able to say a word to this chap....his problems were too much like mine....and so was his reaction...."no1 can help me really". And I'm honest enough to admit it right now....at one level, everything I may advise a person is in a way a piece of hypocrisy. After all, who am I to have an opinion, when I can't solve myself? And no, that's not an error....I mean "solve myself"....

Anyway, one good thing, at least for myself....is that I am writing a lot....though yeah, if you are a regular visitor you're probably wishing I'd just stop the mindless drivel....:D

Hidden inside, within the dazzling smile,
Quivering hands rising so fast to hide,
Raising merry toasts, glass raised high,
Still the malaise continues to gnaw away inside

Smoke rings rise and start widening,
While my world continues to contract,
The white lines etched in my mind reach out a hand,
That sprawling on the ground, I just can’t deny

Still the crowds around wish me to laugh,
And with twinkling eyes continue to provide,
Wherever I arrive, must I be so benign?
Would hostility involve stoning beings in the skies?

But masks just seem to fall and faces crack
When leaden-footed angels tread streets lined by fires,
A careworn man turns inside seeking reasons to smile,
Slowly releases a sigh and breaks down to cry

And when people say that I should die,
For all I know they just might be right,
Head bowed to the power but still held high,
Fears of pain which every action denies

Birth of blinded eyes seeing virgin light,
Sight stolen? Or given up without a fight,
Crawling for the cover of tearful eyes,
Bitter drops like a pill preventing my flight

Contrasting desires making life a lie,
Valleys of Death never seemed so beautiful and wide,
My life’s wasting time, trying to wipe,
The slate of time, whose designs make maleficent sound nice

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi, thanx for visiting my blog,me in a hurry but surely would come back to read...red

Anonymous said...

Well, hypocricy is an element of life... we surely cant have a scenario of 0% hypocricy.. cause it would be ugly as hell~~.. hmm hell is actually hot, so wrong analogy!!.. I cant imagine the world without an element of hypocricy in them.. you know they say in hindi, --> "Andhay ko bhi Andha nahi kehte hain, surdas kehte hain" <-- technically this is also hypocricy then~~~... And yes about helping, true, no one can really help anyone... no matter how much advises we get, in the end we are just gonna do what appeals to us the most, who cares whether its right to the rest or not, all it matters is that its right to us~~~... poems are beyond me :(.. so i just ran through that part :)

Darth Midnightmare said...

Hmmm....thanks red. Liked your place a lot.

@Anonymous, hypocrisy is a part of life as we live it today, I agree. But the point is, how much? Does one really need to conform to everything on the surface, whatever underlying belief one may hold? Each person defines where he stops and his social self begins....the extent of that dividing line is what determines how well or how badly one can identify with that person.

Overall, yes, each one of us is a hypocrite at some level...how else can one define the "defences" one has in public?

Zarine said...

Looks like you are undergoing a metamorphosis stage.Hope you evolve into something better :P.
Keep the introspection bit going,though I feel,it rarely takes anyone anywhere,but no harm in knowing the self better,right?
The poem's very apt,you know your words. :)

Anonymous said...

Well that Anonymous was ME, ZchewereZ :D.. Hey M, dont tell me that you are disappointed cause you for a moment believed that it would be some mystical feminine anonymous :-P.... oh come on, don deny it (that would be hypocricy!! :D), thats what i think whenever someone posts as anonymous in my blog.. ha,... and well the dividing line is decided by each individual right?? we cant state that X is 'more' hypocrite.. cause it is relative to us.. when everything is relative, how can one judge another? the arbiter cant be a part of the game!... what this means? hmm something which is revolving in my head but aint coming in words~~.. the point is everyone has one goal --> SATSIFACTION/HAPPINESS... a more hypocrite person aims to get it by being more hypocrite, a less hypocrite person tries to get it by insulating himself... however, both struggle... and as the Gita and many other doctrine say ---> Path is not the goal!!.. Now before you send me ta gaols for this trash, i will stop~~~...

ZchewereZ
http://thezchewerez.rediffblogs.com
zchewerez@yahoo.com
(This time I will shameleslly promote my page :D)
(Damn how could i forget it last time~~~)

Anonymous said...

Well that Anonymous was ME, ZchewereZ :D.. Hey M, dont tell me that you are disappointed cause you for a moment believed that it would be some mystical feminine anonymous :-P.... oh come on, don deny it (that would be hypocricy!! :D), thats what i think whenever someone posts as anonymous in my blog.. ha,... and well the dividing line is decided by each individual right?? we cant state that X is 'more' hypocrite.. cause it is relative to us.. when everything is relative, how can one judge another? the arbiter cant be a part of the game!... what this means? hmm something which is revolving in my head but aint coming in words~~.. the point is everyone has one goal --> SATSIFACTION/HAPPINESS... a more hypocrite person aims to get it by being more hypocrite, a less hypocrite person tries to get it by insulating himself... however, both struggle... and as the Gita and many other doctrine say ---> Path is not the goal!!.. Now before you send me ta gaols for this trash, i will stop~~~...

ZchewereZ
http://thezchewerez.rediffblogs.com
zchewerez@yahoo.com
(This time I will shameleslly promote my page :D)
(Damn how could i forget it last time~~~)

Darth Midnightmare said...

Hmmm....Zarine, I dunno really. Somehow I feel introspection really is what gets you out of the deepest mires.

ZZ, you're right abuot everything being relative. Never argued otherwise. As I said, the extent of the dividing line is what defines how well we identify with people. The way we PERCEIVE them is what defines how we choose to interact....and several times, this perception is what lets us down so badly....

DJK said...

Hey M,
Thanks for visiting my blog, yeah? Sometimes, in life you meet people you don't know and they hold up a mirror that shows you in a light that you haven't seen before.
Regards
DJK

Vidhi said...

hi johnny...i am amazed that u dont agree with The Alchemist. but, i can really see and feel the universe conspiring to give me that which i badly wanted!

Darth Midnightmare said...

Hi V. The point is, what we want and what we don't want often depends on what we get and what we believe in. You got something you wanted, so you believe in it. When I look at life very objectively, I can see some things that I pined for, some things that meant, in the words of the authors, "more to me than life itself". I never got these somehow.

The philosophy of the Alchemist also runs foul of the "happens for the best" and also the "karma" philosophy. After all, let's see it this way, if it were true, wouldn't all of us be all-satisfied today?