Saturday, January 08, 2005

Of Whispered Dreams

The past 24 hours have been a revelation. I've discovered some aspects I never thought existed. And somehow things are a lot different.....well, actually hings are the same....my perspective is a lot different. I spent the last 24 hours talking with an assortment of friends. On very different things. And yet, somehow, everything came back to the same point for me. Mentally.

Yet today, path seems clearer. The destination is still nowhere but the road there seems a lot l;ess cluttered than it was. I'm still the same. Still lost and without a clue about how to return to the place I was once headed to, the place I know should still be going. And yet, the load's a lot lighter, the mind's more at peace. And while the belief may not be there, the turmoil is lessened somewhat. For no ostensible reason, I seem a lot more calm today than I have been for a few weeks now. No legdes, no concrete ground clouding my vision. It's all flat. It may be a desert, but it's got an end.....I may not be able to see it, but even if I don't find the end, the end will find me.

Two situations. So alike and yet so startlingly different. Two phases, so dissimilar. And yet in a way, the similarity was chilling. Somehow though, I realized last night that in a way I am very lucky. There are things we throw away, there are things we fail to see, things we fail to acknowledge exist....and then there are things we misjudge. The last are perhaps the worst mistakes we make....at least the worst mistakes I make. I'm still not sure whether I should call them mistakes, but for want of a better word right now, I shall.

I'm abstract. I love being that way. Why? I shall never know. Perhaps it's the inherent fear of letting things out, the inherent fear of letting people know. Either way, it's something I can't change. There was once a building that broke under its own weight, due to its amazingly simple intricacies which ensured that a single stone could wreck it (For want of a nail, a kingdom was lost). Yet, where the edifice once stood, there still is the need to restart. Motivation is something one cannot afford to lose, even in the face of Hell itself. And yet, at times, it does get lost. Does it return? Can it return? I hope so. When? Time will tell. But there must be a beginning; ironically, the beginning must signal the end.

Am I the way I would want to be? Would I change anything about myself? Ultimately, no. I know my weaknesses. I know my failures and also know what will cause me to fail in future in certain fields. Yet, I'd rather stay this way and accept those than risk another course. Somehow, my comfort zone is too dear to me. I'd rather be alone in a room contemplating, introspecting and evaluating than risk attempting things I am not sure of in the hope that I will succeed. Somehow, that is me.......sad? Perhaps. But definitely true.

2 comments:

Rajat said...

hmm....is someone less confused now???....has someone made up their midn regarding the risk and return???

Darth Midnightmare said...

No Rajat. It's not so much confusion now, but the soul-searching continues. I may talk of the load being lighter, but like I said, the reasons are not ostensible. It's something that the next few days will see me HAVING to decide. It's something forced upon me, though to be honest, I saw it coming, and found myself with no option but to face.