Appendix for "In Mars We Trust - I"

Don’t know if you ever studied it, but when I was a kid in school we had a subject called “Community Living”. Now that I look back on it I realize what utter crap we were taught in that subject. Take a small example. “When crossing a road, first look to your right, then to your left and then to your right again. If there are no vehicles approaching, it’s then safe to cross”, it said. Now, if you live in Bombay like I do, or in any other civilized city (which therefore means you live outside India) you will know what utter crap this is….

Follow this teaching and of course, you’re going to be consigned to a life on the pavement, filled with all the joys of being one of those “waiting-to-cross-the-road” In-duh-viduals. And that would be the way you’d then be destined to live until a stray meteor fell on your head putting an end to your incident-packed and pollution-filled existence. The sensible way to cross the road of course, is to run onto the road with wide eyes and arms waving wildly in the air, screaming that there is a tsunami headed in this direction. Upon hearing this all the motorists immediately freeze or turn their vehicles around thereby allowing you to cross the road like Moses crossing the Red Sea (the water connect leads me to believe that Moses used a similar method).

Ah well, that’s just one of the senseless things we were taught….there were tons of others, like offering a seat to a lady….the last time I tried that, all I got was a look that indicated that the lady thought I was trying to rape her or something……which was highly unlikely considering that she was only around a hundred years older than me….*sigh*……it’s a tough life…..

Anyway, some people asked me to post the joke about the genie and the highway, so here goes (I’m surprised you haven’t heard this really…though I am sure you know the meaning anyway)…..

There’s this guy that, as happens in all jokes of this kind, gets stranded on a deserted island (will someone tell me where all these deserted islands spring up from and how it happens that no jokes find people from other jokes meeting up on their deserted islands????). Well, anyway, this guy is on this island somewhere around 10,000 miles away from home…….and once again, very predictably, he finds a magic lamp. Wonder of wonders, he realizes it’s a magic lamp, and having heard of Alladin and all those of that ilk, decides very sensibly, to rub it…..

There appears this mandatory genie of course, who tells this chap to ask for a wish. The conversation between the genie and the chap thereafter went like this:

Chap: Uh, I’d like this 8-lane super-expressway right upto my doorstep in California, so that I can drive home and can drop back here anytime I want to, coz this place is really beautiful.
Genie: Are you freaking insane???? Do you realize the logistical problems with that sort of project??? The concrete, cement and steel required to build supports right from the floor of the ocean…that too for 10,00 miles??????? Ask for something else dude….
Chap: *Sigh* Well, ok….you know what? I’d like to understand women…as in really know what they’re thinking…so that I know what I can do to make them happy….
Genie: *Sigh* How many lanes did you say you wanted on that highway????

In Mars We Trust - I

Statutory Disclaimer: The incidents described in the following post have all occured in reality. All opinions expressed belong to the people expressing them, and not the author, except of course, the opinions expressed by the author himself......and if you disagree, go sue the aliens that possessed the mind of the author and prompted him to go ahead and write this against all the sensible thoughts that endeavoured to prevent him from this disaster-inviting post......

It all started with the thought that the sole reason women were created by those that created them, was to torment men and make them look forward to Hell as a pleasant vacation. All this, however was to be accomplished in a sly manner wherein men needed to be convinced that women were actually exalted beings that needed to be cherished and kept happy and praised and lavished gifts on if life was to be considered a success. All part of a vicious scheme it seemed to me at that time.....

But then, there was this contradicting thought that it couldn't be, really.....surely there was more to women than that....but then, why were women so damn impossible to understand? We all know the joke about the genie and the six-lane highway....in case you don't, drop a comment and I'll post it in my next post ;-). Anyway, I decided then to investigate this phenomenon in an endeavour to reach the truth (Shows you just how "vella" - jobless - I am right now)

So I called up an old friend of mine, a woman whom I rated to be more sensible than the average woman (though I know that's not saying much). Before I could start on my deeply researched and well thought-out questionnaire though, she started on a torrent of her domestic problems....if any of you has ever tried stopping a woman in such a mood, I am sure you'll agree that stopping a speeding locomotive is a highly preferable and much easier option. Still, nice chap that I am (since no1 else will say that, I must take the initiative of complimenting myself here ;-) ), I tried suggesting a solution.......big mistake!!!!!

Her: What do I do...I mean, you tell me, what do I DO???
Me: See, you could...
Her: SHUT UP!!!!
Me: Errr....but you just asked...
She: Just LISTEN, will you...just L-I-S-T-E-N!!!!!
Me: OK.....
She: So, anyway, and then he said....and WHAT am I supposed to do????
Me: Well, errr....you cou..
She: What's the PROBLEM with you guys?? Can’t you just listen?????
Me: Uh-yeah, ok, sure, definitely, go on….

Well, this actually put me one step behind in my search for the answer I sought. After all, if the woman I rated as being less incomprehensible than most gave me such a problem, what would the rest be like?? Just then, I had a brainwave. I remembered this other woman I knew whom I thought was pretty bright. I hadn’t ever spoken to her actually, but she hadn’t yet said anything that I didn’t understand. Sad to say, it did not strike me at that moment that the only reason I had never failed to understand her was that she had never said anything to me!!!!!

Anyway, I approached her and what ensued was:

She: Hey!!! Where’s your girlfriend?
Me: Girlfriend? I don’t have one…anyway, I wanted to ask you some…
She: Don’t lie. Come on now. Be a good boy!
Me: Listen, I told you, I’m single….now, if you’ll listen, I want to…
She (with stupid girlish know-it-all expression and voice): Come on now, don’t tell me YOU are single…
Me: Damn it! Why don’t you listen??? YES! I am. Now, see, what happ….
She: Don’t tell me…I refuse to believe you..
Me (exasperated): Why? Do YOU think I am THAT hot??
She: Err….no….but….

Ah! Had her silent for a minute….so I told her about my conversation with the earlier mentioned woman and asked her for her interpretation…..

She: You see, when we women tell you about a problem, we don’t want a solution.
Me: But then why talk about the problem? I thought the question, “What do I do?” was one that begged an answer!!!
She: NO! You’re supposed to LISTEN!
Me: I did listen! That’s why I suggested…
She: Shut UP! Don’t you understand???? We don’t WANT a solution!!!
Me: That’s silly! Because then what’s the problem? And why crib about something you don’t want to solve?
She: We DO want to solve it! But we DON’T want a solution or suggestions!!!! We just want you to LISTEN!!!
Me (totally frazzled with the last statement): * Sigh* OK. Thanks a lot…that was really enlightening….

The next part of this doomed-from-the-outset quest for the solution to mankind’s biggest mystery shall come after a while…as you can imagine, these exertions have taken a severe toll and recuperation is a necessity….

Dyed In a Haze

Ever had a feeling of total detachment? It's awesome really. You start thinking about something and then obviously the flow of thoughts goes further and further......and then at one point, suddenly you realize that you're detached from your thoughts in a way.....you can see them and see the flow......and it's as if you're just an observer....passive....

Experienced one of these phases on the journey to Bombay a couple of days back (Yes, am now back in Bombay). It was quite enjoyable. It all started with something a friend of mine had said to me earlier in the day and then from there on, it just kept going....and yeah, it ended with me thinking just how we manage to get into such a state....where you see your thoughts....and yet are detached....fantastic....

The first year at L is over.....and I must say that now that it's over, it seems to have passed pretty fast......another classic example of how our brain masks things it doesn't like...how memories get coloured and biased with time....selective recall...whatever.....anyway.... On campus it used to be a case of, "Damn! When will this get over so that we can go home??? This is interminable!!" And now that it's over it's a case of, "Oh! One year gone??? Already??? Wow!!! That was fast!" :-)

Was also quite hilarious seeing some of the folks pack! It was almost as if they were leaving for good and had to clean out their rooms or something. There were people taking like, 3 suitcases and all that.......and all the while I'm like thinking to myself, "Jeez! Have I missed something then? Coz I can't think of what to take to fill my bag up!!!!" And trust me, I am renowned for NOT knowing how to travel light!!!!!! Hmm......maybe it's down to the fact that I'm gonna be buying my new wardrobe so I didn't carry too many clothes......but still, 3 suitcases??????????????????

The Crowd Within

I hate crowds. Can't stand them....yeah, I guess you're wondering how I happen to love Bombay so much then.... But it's not like I hate crowds as in the crowds one sees on the railway stations...those are just a mass of people.....I hate crowds as in a large group of people I know, of which I am supposed to be a part....

It's something I have been conscious of for ages. In Engineering college, people couldn't understand my reluctance to join them in their revelry, they took it as snootishness and of course, I was classified as a "snob". Still wasn't enough to spur me into making any social overtures. And it's still the same....all these years later, I am still where I was then.....

I feel stifled in the crowd....there are people you will like...but in the same measure there will be people you don't. You share a different level of acquaintance with each person there, some are just casual "diplomatic" acquaintances...some are intimate. But you've got to play to the tune the masses want. So much better just sitting with a small group of two or at most three people whom you are really comfortable with.....if not alone.....

But we all make mistakes and you do occasionally put your foot in the mouth in the biggest possible way...."Careful what you wish, careful what you say, careful what you wish, you may regret it, careful what you say, you just might get it", as Hetfield puts it so beautifully.....sometimes you ask for a finger and get an arm that you just don't want!!!!

It's almost as if people feel better surrounded by a crowd...as if it satisfies their need for social acceptance....satisfies an insecurity within...or is it just me that thinks that way? I don't know...and frankly I am beyond caring....

Exams are over.....will be heading out of here tomorrow.....wish I had a bit more of the old rebelliousness tonight.....the will to just turn my back and walk away from certain things......ah well, I'm going to face certain things for the rest of my life.....may as well start now.....

Silver Linings of Charcoal Black

Most of us spend our entire lives deluding ourlseves. We dream up situations that we want to believe we are in. We even dream up personalities that we believe are us. We cloak our failures in the garb of "successes waiting to happen". When things go wrong, we try to assure ourselves that it's "all for the best"....that there is something better waiting for us round the corner....that the clouds have a silver lining.

So why does that silver lining remain just that? A silver lining. But the delusions continue. We erase from our minds, or try at least, to erase the disappointment and the frustration. Until one day, at times years later, it all comes rushing back. And still the attempts to delude continue. Why can't one just face the fact that it happened and that it just totally sucked? Why must it always be a case of "forgetting about it" or "getting over it" or "snapping out of it"?

The worst part of it all is the damn sickness you feel when you realize it's all essentially pointless. The greater the delusion, the more the grandeur of the environment we dream up around us,. the harder it is when it all comes down....like they say, the higher you go, the harder you fall. SO perhaps, it is but apt that the highest "highs" precede the greatest lows.....

At times the future seems like a mirror. You were always told that history repeated itself, but you never believed it. Then someday, something happens, and you're back there. You see it all unfold again. But there's a difference. You're not in the past, you're in the present. And yet, you make the same mistakes. It's almost like the feeling of going down in a whirlpool. You see the impending disaster. You know the feeling. You've been there before, but you can't stop yourself this time.

You're still hoping the outcome will be different. After all, they also tell you that lightning doesn't strike twice.....ah, well, they forget perhaps, to add that it might, when it's not just high voltage bolts from the freaking sky. So much for analogies......and yeah, there have been instances of even those hitting the same spot on a lot more than just one occasion.....

Over the Shoulder

Exams, yes they're here again, and really, they could not have been scheduled at a better time for me. At times, it's amazing to see how much they help you just turn your focus away from certain things. I've seen two types of exams really......one where I royally screw them up (that's situation normal really) because my brain's just not there....it's too occupied by something else. The other, is where I just use the damn things to focus completely on something other than what's been on my mind....

Most of us are who we are because of what we've been through. Some of us lose belief in ourselves, some lose belief in the people around us and some lose ourselves. When I look back, at times I can't understand the person there. What caused the feelings that were experienced? Where's the naivete? That wide-eyed wonder, the smile and the anguish.....I love the way things change :-)

Pools of tears shed by clouded eyes,
Reflecting a joy that passed with the tide,
Trees flitting by as speeds rise,
Floor stopping the pedal going further

Heading to a land no mortal can find,
Never stopped him from making one more try,
The questions haunt the night, the answer's inside,
The thirsty find too late that the well's dry

When kneeling in servitude before the crown,
Did the urge rise within or was it nothing at all?
Why hold it down, we're all bound to fall,
Survival the key, burying all that's gone

I passed him in the streets and now he's gone,
Taking with him all I had ever known,
When the storm ceased the future was gone,
Or maybe what remained just stood now too tall

...and this is life

The past few days have been amazingly busy. I've been occupied all the time, doing nothing. Funny as it may sound, it's really an occupation in itself. You just lie around, seemingly aimlessly, wondering about various things, working things out in your head (or in my case, TRYING to work things out) and find that the time's just flown by...

Also rediscovered a love for watching movies. Funny really, that on a campus with over half a terbyte of movies, I should start after 6 months, but really, in the time after Engineering, I had totally lost the keenness to watch movies. Seemed like a total waste of 1.5-2 hours of the day......so many more and better things could be done in that time.....

Anyway, re-watched some movies that I love and saw some new ones too, all in a vain attempt to keep the damn mind occupied. And yeah, I really identify with Melvin Udall and Harry Burns......seemingly different characters, contrasts almost, but their thought processes do strike me as similar in some areas and their personalities are a bit like me at times :-). Specially Harry....

"Sometimes, bad things happen and you can't do anything about them". A line from one of the movies I just saw.......but are there any people who do this? Just leave everything to the mythical creature called "God" and move on? Can we really do that? I don't know. I can't, at least. Sometimes, life's just not understandable. Actually, most of the time, it's not. But does that really mean you stop trying to figure it all out, and straighten up the mess? Do you really just "forget" about things?

I don't think we ever forget anything really.....I hate people saying that, "Forget about it". Because the more you try not to think about something, the more you really are thinking about it, just in the attempt not to.....so what then? Do we really accept things? Ultimately, none of us do. We delude ourselves into believing we do and we try to keep moving, but the truth is that until you face reality, you're carrying the burden. It's not something you just wish away or something you can turn off like a damn switch......it's there all the time. Oh, and by the way, even in the movie, the character does have to go back and face reality....as I said, he can't forget it and just move on, as most people love advising us to do.....

It's something I am seeing happening to a friend of mine.....two friends actually. And that's made me realize that the one thing that none of us can really do without is that belief in ourselves. These two are different people in every sense. While one has lost belief due to not having any answers, the other has lost belief due to something that happened earlier in life. But how does one live if you can't trust yourself? How does one live if you don't know what you yourself are worth? Can anyone really achieve anything in life without knowing what one is worth?

Guess I am not the ideal person to make this statement, but the way I see it, unless you really believe that you deserve something and are worth it, you'll never get it. Whatever people may say, most people only get what they truly believe they can......and this, is life......

A Glimpse of the Scheme

There are people and there are attitudes. Just which is the way one should go? How does one know? Felt that way today when I was sitting with this chap and discussing some academic things today. Suddenly it wasn't about academics any longer....for me.

Here's this person who's facing similar things to what I am facing. The same course, the same profs, the same papers...and yet, our reactions and methods are so different. Here I am, a person who's just so completely disillusioned with everything that I have completely stopped making an effort almost. I am probably working at 5% of my potential efficiency and I know it....

I procrastinate to the point of making it a full-time profession almost. I'd rather just lie around, listen to music and ponder over things than pick up a book.....unless it's 3 hours to go till the exam. And he's the kind of person, who ignoring everything around, is completely focussed only on what he is here to do.....so where's the difference? Probably, just that he knows what he wants and is able to block out everything else.....

Or do I know really what I want? Am I just too scared to face what I really want? A look at where I stand in my class shows clearly that from being a topper (setting bloody school records n stuff), today I comprise the set of people who just scrape through every course. I guess what makes it bad is that occasionally do wonder why I am doing this at all....why don't I have the courage to just walk away from this, if I don't really want to do this?

Maybe it's just the fear of walking down a path that I want to follow but feel will not allow me to survive the world. Maybe it's just that feeling of not wanting to let down my folks. Or maybe it's just plain not knowing for sure.....the hope that someday I might just wake up feeling 'normal' and comfortable with the current scheme of things. Where did things begin to go wrong?

I need to make up my mind fast about all this I guess....

Hanging By a Thread

I'm an actor. I never reveal my emotions in public and am generally pretty good at covering up my emotions in a way that no one really knows what I am thinking (at least, I'd like to believe I'm good at it ;-) ).

I hated the idea of confiding in people. It was just...well, just not me. I don't need people, I don't need sympathy. To borrow the words a friend of mine used, "I'm essentially not made to be with people". Quite true in a way. But what really sucks is vulnerability. If you're weak and then say something to let it out....somehow, everything falls apart.

Then you need to talk. You need to express things all of a sudden. It's not that you want to TALK to people, you balk at the idea, but now you do need an outlet.....and that's when you've got to be careful. Say too much and you'll regret it, sooner rather than later, most often.

That's actually what made me write. It's an outlet at times and yeah, it's a cool way to just be abstract, say nothing and yet feel relieved of the burden at times......ah well....

A friend of mine mailed me this one.....I'd written it ages ago...Engineering college I think. Very immature, very childish....but attached to it...sentimental me, I guess ;-)

By the lakeside, standing still,
Eyes surveying barren hills,
The world seems like the surface calm,
Hiding beneath it the storm,
Like the sea, so endless,
So dry when it all seems so wet,
Stretching into eternity,
Every life a tale of misey

Overhanging clouds of guilt,
And tales of courses forgotten,
The forks behind telling a tale,
Of chances lost and mistakes made,
And still he walks down lonely streets,
Hoping one day good luck to meet,
Does he believe it's for the best?
Why then are dreams laid to rest?

Once again she passed him by,
Like rocks bereft of a lighthouse,
No danger signs; nowhere to run,
Journey's end nowhere in sight,
Steer clear, how long will it last?
The ritual's nearly over; doesn't seem right,
The picture's burnt, but still remains,
He's tied to it inside his brain

In The Corner of My Mind

Scribbling time again. It's amazing what a good prof can do to stimulate you. "I don't know mathematics, that is why I call it outsourcing", said the prof....and I was off....mentally that is. I mean, he's right in a way, I guess....after all, "what's in a name, outsourcing by any other name would be as cheap", I guess, is what he meant to say....

Sometimes, a forced change of perspective does one a world of good. A week ago, this statement would have had a very different effect on me. Today however, I had a good laugh and just shut out the rest of the lecture.....

When it's time to pretend,
I just want to run and hide,
From the morning light,
That long-lost will to fight,
Every ray pierces my eyes,
Clouded too long by sights,
Of things you said to deceive,
Things I did to make believe

I may never have excelled,
But you didn't even try,
Just lived a dead man's life,
Or was it something behind,
The shell so hard, so cracked,
It's what was once inside,
In each corner of it you find,
A me that never was I