Saturday, April 09, 2005

In Mars We Trust - I

Statutory Disclaimer: The incidents described in the following post have all occured in reality. All opinions expressed belong to the people expressing them, and not the author, except of course, the opinions expressed by the author himself......and if you disagree, go sue the aliens that possessed the mind of the author and prompted him to go ahead and write this against all the sensible thoughts that endeavoured to prevent him from this disaster-inviting post......

It all started with the thought that the sole reason women were created by those that created them, was to torment men and make them look forward to Hell as a pleasant vacation. All this, however was to be accomplished in a sly manner wherein men needed to be convinced that women were actually exalted beings that needed to be cherished and kept happy and praised and lavished gifts on if life was to be considered a success. All part of a vicious scheme it seemed to me at that time.....

But then, there was this contradicting thought that it couldn't be, really.....surely there was more to women than that....but then, why were women so damn impossible to understand? We all know the joke about the genie and the six-lane case you don't, drop a comment and I'll post it in my next post ;-). Anyway, I decided then to investigate this phenomenon in an endeavour to reach the truth (Shows you just how "vella" - jobless - I am right now)

So I called up an old friend of mine, a woman whom I rated to be more sensible than the average woman (though I know that's not saying much). Before I could start on my deeply researched and well thought-out questionnaire though, she started on a torrent of her domestic problems....if any of you has ever tried stopping a woman in such a mood, I am sure you'll agree that stopping a speeding locomotive is a highly preferable and much easier option. Still, nice chap that I am (since no1 else will say that, I must take the initiative of complimenting myself here ;-) ), I tried suggesting a solution.......big mistake!!!!!

Her: What do I do...I mean, you tell me, what do I DO???
Me: See, you could...
Her: SHUT UP!!!!
Me: Errr....but you just asked...
She: Just LISTEN, will you...just L-I-S-T-E-N!!!!!
Me: OK.....
She: So, anyway, and then he said....and WHAT am I supposed to do????
Me: Well, cou..
She: What's the PROBLEM with you guys?? Can’t you just listen?????
Me: Uh-yeah, ok, sure, definitely, go on….

Well, this actually put me one step behind in my search for the answer I sought. After all, if the woman I rated as being less incomprehensible than most gave me such a problem, what would the rest be like?? Just then, I had a brainwave. I remembered this other woman I knew whom I thought was pretty bright. I hadn’t ever spoken to her actually, but she hadn’t yet said anything that I didn’t understand. Sad to say, it did not strike me at that moment that the only reason I had never failed to understand her was that she had never said anything to me!!!!!

Anyway, I approached her and what ensued was:

She: Hey!!! Where’s your girlfriend?
Me: Girlfriend? I don’t have one…anyway, I wanted to ask you some…
She: Don’t lie. Come on now. Be a good boy!
Me: Listen, I told you, I’m single….now, if you’ll listen, I want to…
She (with stupid girlish know-it-all expression and voice): Come on now, don’t tell me YOU are single…
Me: Damn it! Why don’t you listen??? YES! I am. Now, see, what happ….
She: Don’t tell me…I refuse to believe you..
Me (exasperated): Why? Do YOU think I am THAT hot??
She: Err….no….but….

Ah! Had her silent for a minute….so I told her about my conversation with the earlier mentioned woman and asked her for her interpretation…..

She: You see, when we women tell you about a problem, we don’t want a solution.
Me: But then why talk about the problem? I thought the question, “What do I do?” was one that begged an answer!!!
She: NO! You’re supposed to LISTEN!
Me: I did listen! That’s why I suggested…
She: Shut UP! Don’t you understand???? We don’t WANT a solution!!!
Me: That’s silly! Because then what’s the problem? And why crib about something you don’t want to solve?
She: We DO want to solve it! But we DON’T want a solution or suggestions!!!! We just want you to LISTEN!!!
Me (totally frazzled with the last statement): * Sigh* OK. Thanks a lot…that was really enlightening….

The next part of this doomed-from-the-outset quest for the solution to mankind’s biggest mystery shall come after a while…as you can imagine, these exertions have taken a severe toll and recuperation is a necessity….

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