In The Corner of My Mind

Scribbling time again. It's amazing what a good prof can do to stimulate you. "I don't know mathematics, that is why I call it outsourcing", said the prof....and I was off....mentally that is. I mean, he's right in a way, I guess....after all, "what's in a name, outsourcing by any other name would be as cheap", I guess, is what he meant to say....

Sometimes, a forced change of perspective does one a world of good. A week ago, this statement would have had a very different effect on me. Today however, I had a good laugh and just shut out the rest of the lecture.....

When it's time to pretend,
I just want to run and hide,
From the morning light,
That long-lost will to fight,
Every ray pierces my eyes,
Clouded too long by sights,
Of things you said to deceive,
Things I did to make believe

I may never have excelled,
But you didn't even try,
Just lived a dead man's life,
Or was it something behind,
The shell so hard, so cracked,
It's what was once inside,
In each corner of it you find,
A me that never was I

When You Look At It That Way....

Been offline the past few days for a multitude of reasons. But feeling great today. Refreshed almost. Inspite of the busted nose (bled a river), cut lip and everything else, top of the world! And no, the nose and lip were not busted in a fight over a woman or wrestling crocodiles in the river. I just happened to fall!

I wonder how many of us have been typecast by people around. You know, called things like "fun", "bright", "spontaneous"....that's normal, but how about "slimy", "unpredictable" and then that word, "fast"! It came up in a discussion I was having with a friend and immediately I was back in college. Fab memory for me, to be honest.

"He's fast, you know. When he's in Bombay he's either lying drunk and stoned on a beach or he's in bed with some woman". Wow! What a reputation to have!!! And all within the span of three days, three days in which I hadn't even SPOKEN to any of the women on campus! Quite confounding to be honest....and amusing of course.

My father had (most annoyingly) decided to accompany "poor" me to campus to see me off (Boy, was he disappointed when I appeared soooo relieved to see him leave), and so quite obviously, I had been on a streak of abstinence while he was around (he still doesn't know my "bad" habits) so it was quite amusing to think about how I acquired that reputation :-D

But well, let's face it. I liked it. It was like, you know, flattering. After all, if the women found it so easy to believe that I was a womaniser (they believed I had like a ton of girlfriends whom I kept swapping and changing) then, there must obviously be something they found attractive. Hmmm.......am still struggling to find just what that thing was....but still, I can take heart I guess.....there is hope ;-)

Sad to say, I spent the my stay in college happily single. Contradiction in that line? Well, the sad part comes fdrom the fact that I was single outside college as well :-(. The only interest evinced in me was by a woman 2 years my senior who thought that if I was such hot property, there must be something to me. Sadly (once again), she graduated too early.

And of course, there was that amazing scene when I was confronted by a friend of mine who said, "Well, we have been seeing each other for quite some time....so I really think it's time to get serious". And I was like, "Ummm....errr.....we're seeing each other???? Coz like, errr....this is like, ummm.....news to me". And I was just looking at her and my mouth must have been hanging open creating a look as if I was impersonating a goldfish or something......but like, seriously, how does one react when someone you regard as merely a casual acquaintance tells you that you have been seeing her???????

Ah well, life's like that I guess....when you look at it that way.... :-)

The Dream Has Gone.....

Just been through the worst day of my life...again. Spent the entire day thinking about something that's gone.....ah well, we all have these phases.

Had an exam and botched it up royally. For some reason (not going to say what) today my mind was just not where it should have been for an exam. It was very far away....both in space and in time...it had fled to a place where I would so love to be...a place I know I will never reach.

I started this blog in August....it was a time when I was going through a fair bit of turmoil...and a time I was introspecting a lot to understand just who I was and why I seemed to be on the path to self-destruction.

A fair bit of time has passed since then. I've had a few ups (errr...can't remember...but must have had, I guess...), more than just a few downs...and a lot in between. I've seen some really sad things happen to those I care for (though they are only a handful) and I've wondered why I don't have the strength to tell a friend why I feel that the decision he/she's taking is bound to have bad repurcussions......the fulfillment of my own visions has given me more pain than I thought the inital thought would have got me (if I had stated it).

I've realized that I can't really change myself back to who I used to be....although I know I would probably be so much happier that way.....

So today, I am introspecting once again...and wondering why I have been sitting here for the past 3 hours, alone, with a glass of scotch (constantly replenished of course) in my hand....why? Because, ultimately I guess, I'm right where I was when I wrote my first post to say things I can't say to people I know....

What makes me think this? Well, read a post on Red's blog that brought the memories flooding back....but they made me realize one thing....one of the most important things has changed......

In August, there was something I wanted...today I don't....because I know I can't fulfill that dream. In August I had no outlet. Today I do. In August, I felt, well, wasted....today I feel, there might just be something more left that life might have to offer me......whether a kick or a caress, I know not, but I will live to find out...

In the end, thanks Red....it was a miserable day...but I will go to bed (after this peg) a much calmer person....thanks again....

When It's Over

Some things just don't leave the mind. They play on and on...and the harder you try to block them out, the more they flare up. But then, think about them, and it's all the more frustrating, because that's the last damn thing you want to do.

Listening to Cemetary Gates (Pantera). What a song. Always gets to me. Exams are over. How were they? Can't say really, will probably know only when the marks are declared.....not that I care right now.....

Peering At The Ceiling

Exams do this to me sometimes....can't stop my mind wandering.....guess that explains my grades.....and yeah, I apologize if I'm boring the crap out of you....but hey, like I've said before....it's my blog ;-)

Something fights to stay alive,
Twitch catching the corner of his eye,
He turned to look and heaved a sigh,
And walked away into the night

The clouds descend and devour the land,
Save the thorn upon the arm of man,
But heads are raised and will try,
The will of man to defy

A walk on down lanes of memories,
By chance his own shadow he meets,
But seeing what he does not believe,
Peering through the glass at the mystery

No one talks and no one speaks,
But the words swirl in the air he breathes,
The body’s still but thoughts deny,
A long lost friend, a peace of mind

Strolling perchance by the lands,
He’d so often wished he’d never find,
Cracking of twigs from behind,
He looks for shadows he can’t find

Sleep eternal he can’t deny,
Fighting the urge to shut the eyes,
A desperate glance inside will find,
Wild thoughts turning to that first time

Crawling back to the hole behind,
Lying with face turned to the sky,
Beckoning to him that walks on by,
In vain he tries to catch his eye

With morning will come rays of light,
Shining through the leaves above him,
What will they find, a truth or the lie?
His fight’s over, it’s time to die…

Am I Really In There?

"The 93% rule. This states that 93% of what we make of people is determined not by what they say or do but by other factors which could include body language, looks ......" Probably one of the few things taught here that I found spot on. Dunno who was actually so wasted in life that he had tht time to determine the exact percentage, but very true.....

All of us seem to have opinions of everyone around. Whether we have ever interacted with those people or not doesn't really seem to make a difference. We always have an opinion. But what interests me more is the reasons that cause us to instinctively like or dislike a person. There are some people who really seem to have nothing wrong about them, and yet they are universally disliked. What causes this?

I have often noticed people being very uncomfortable in my company. It's not that I say anything to them. It's just a discomfort they feel. I spoke to a few people and found that some of them face the very same thing. You hear people saying about these people, "Well, he's ok, I guess, but he's weird. Can't say what, but somehow I don't like him."

When you think about it, it's all down to our habit of forming an opinion about these people even before we have spoken to the, "He's arrogant" or "She's dumb" etc etc. Then, when you sit and speak to that person, somehow, it strikes you that things aren't exactly what you thought. And something starts worrying you. It's something you can't place your finger on exactly....just something that's playing in your subconscious, something that tells you that there's something wrong with this person.

Most often, this happens to people who wear a public face which is different from themselves. Don't mistake me, we all do this. However much you may want to believe otherwise, each one of us has a face that we present to the public...some do it to be accepted and liked, some do it so that people leave them alone...some do it to avoid getting hurt.....but we all do it....

It's just that the degree of difference between these two faces varies. The public you and the real you are different. But the difference between the two varies from person to person. And the higher this difference, the more uncomfortable people are around such a person once they start seeing the difference.

I find that most often, these people are the ones that are hiding themselves so that they either get left alone, or don't allow anyone to get close....to understand them and see them as they really are....the people who want to be liked also go through this, but to a lesser extent. When they do face this sort of thing, it's more a case of people thinking of such people as wannabes or just general buffoons. The first type are generally perceived as snobs, stand-offish or just plain arrogant....and most of these people actually like this.....it serves their purpose totally.....

The Future Is My Past - II

Was flipping through Symposium (Plato) again last night. It's something I should have done before. I love the conversation that Socrates has with Diotima. Though I have read the book before, last night, I seemed to understand the same things much better, perhaps because I can now relate to them.

The conversation I mentioned just underlines how human beings are condemned to misery through our very nature. Our eternal quest for being lord and master (divinity as Diotima calls it) whether of our lives or its individual parts, our ceaseless hunt for glory and fame and the yearning to possess, is what ruins us. Yes, I nkow, Buddhist philosophy also talks of this, but the way Socrates and Diotima talk is very real, it's about you and me, not a saint speaking about attaining "moksha".

After all, what is morality? What is right and wrong if not what I feel them to be? Can we really be taught this? And are there any absolute rules? Not the way I see it. Ultimately, every time we take an action, we take it because we feel it to be right. If time shows it to be wrong in terms of the outcome, that still does not alter in any way the fact that when I took the action, I was right. I was right and still am.

So when I look back, I know what I did was right. I made a decision and stuck to it. Not that time has proved me wrong. To all the world, what I did seems good and right. But, what if it destroyed my fabric? Or then again, did it? It changed something perhaps, maybe even killed me, but what does that make of my action? Should I have done things differently? I know I will ponder these questions.....for years perhaps.....

The answers lie in the past. And they will only be found in the future. A paradox.....just like the rest of life. In the end, I guess, our futures are just a bunch of memories.

Seeds of life scattered by the winds,
Should have been so easy; except for the men,
Chasing desire, lost to themselves,
Caught in the crossfire of castles and streets,
Beset by woes of happiness and bliss,
When vice is virtue, can you contain avarice?
When myopic eyes scour distant lands,
A twisted lens contorts my every glance

Caged by the rules, bleeding from the wounds,
Opened in the quest, now an unstemmable flow,
Losing my conquests, searching for more,
But could I let go or forever hold on,
The dreams causing a war in head,
I'm lost in this quest for finding my way,
This realm of nightmares so quiet and real,
The future's clear and just a memory...

I'm a Shadow?

Oh well, we have our crazy moments....and mine involved me going and taking a quiz! Ah well, here's what came of it.....


You are a moon shadow. With the moon as your source
you are a being of great mystery. Constantly
drifting, you descend into darkness to conceal
your brokenness. You have come to believe that
you are the only one you can rely upon for
constancy and safety that you need. But those
who know how to see you find enchanting beauty
in your wistfulness and fragility. It is to
them that you should flee, for their arms are
an open haven where your true light can finally
thrive..

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You Live, You Learn

Met an old friend today. Sat and talked with him after years and I must say, it was really fantastic. He sums up everything I am not. We're so similar and yet, poles apart. And today, just sitting and talking with him for those two hours made me realize a lot of things....things that were there in my brain, but were buried in a dark corner....

His life is proof that Coelho got it all awfully wrong....or let's just say that Coelho wrote about something that HE either went through or saw someone going through. This chap had everything. Rich, good-looking, intelligent, great relationship, was studying in a premier institute and had dreams that seemed so close to being realized.....but it's a strange thing, this life...

Overnight, he lost what counted most....his dreams and his freedom....or so it seemed. Suddenly his life had turned crazy. His relationship suddenly had no future.....there was no choice. His dreams had no path that could be followed. He was stuck. But that's where I got it so damn wrong.

I went through perhaps only a fraction of what he did. But while it made me turn to philosophy, depression and caused a total death of motivation, from what I saw today, he's risen above it all. He still has a dream. he's learnt to accept life as it is. To quote his words, "You can't change the past and you can't see the future, so all you have is the present. LIVE it. You don't know if you will ever see tomorrow." It's so simple. We all know it and yet, very few of us can implement and live this philosophy.

"You're not the person I knew. The you I remember was smart, intelligent, witty, didn't really give a damn and while moody, was always up for a mischief-filled time. Now that spark is gone." These words really made me think of those words I used, "The future is my past". I've always been moody, always been a depressive, always been hiding from everyone......but not like this....

"I was me, but now he's gone" (Fade to Black - Metallica). That line about sums it up....

What he has done though is to show me a way back....

Today was a miserable day till I met him, but that meeting seemed to change my perspective for whatever happened afterwards. Spoke to someone and realized that where there is joy, there is also unrivalled pain and hurt and what seems so perfect is often the last thing we need. But at the end of the day, today, as I lie down to sleep.......I know.....I wouldn't have life any other way. All the pain, all the misery, it's all fine.....I sleep at peace with myself.

S and K, I know you won't read this, but thank you for today. It was awesome. And it's great just to have you people in my life.

The Future Is My Past - I

He looked at the ceiling. He'd been staring at it for hours now. That was after he got tired of looking at the starlit skies outside his room. It was nearing 5AM, it had been nearly 23 hours since he got up, but the tiredness he felt had nothing to do with his limbs....it was within.

The questions were beginning to haunt him now....it was silly, he thought. Why think of these things when all they were doing was to pull him deeper and deeper into the mire? Every answer contained new questions. He thought of the Douglas Adams and that inane crack about the Universe. So true in a way, he thought. Everytime you reached one answer, it changed the question, that was all......the questions just kept coming at you....

Stop thinking. He'd got to stop this uncontrollable wandering of his mind. It wasn't helping at all. He needed to restore control and the only way he could see to do that was to just block these thoughts. The idea appalled him as much as the prospect seemed inviting. Inviting, because it seemed to show the way to 'normalcy'. It was a door to the past....a past that seemed lost. Had it really been a good time? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it couldn't have been worse than this at any rate, he thought. Ignorance, really is bliss......but more than that, the yearning for freedom and the search for the answers are misery......

Floating in dark realms soaking in the pain,

In enchanted lands where the damned scream for succour,

Futures and pasts same, mellowed memories remain,

Interred in the cradle of Faith forever,

Maidens on bleak streets feasting on the bone,

Glorifying an ancient power of the binding green,

White rage a fire within, admonishing a sin,

Sanctioned by the graces of a wanton libertine

Sacred constellations talk about belief depraved,
While the hunchback prowls the streets seeking to quench his ire,
Eyes a mist filled with clouds tinging humanity,
Every solstice marking time on a life of misery,
Creeping, crawling over, roll a joint for seeking God,
As a whipcord velts a mark on a hungry mind depraved,
He spoke of dancing shadows and of winds with icy hands,
Shallowness of dementia possessing, sailing into unknown lands

Flaming scepters blew down upon her under biting moon,
As I knelt down beside her and cradled the form,
Defiled and invaded by a creature devoured by my pain,
Consigned to an Eternity of flames and acid rain,
Seeking solace in solitude under starlit skies,
Crushing darkness descends on my glistening lair,
Maleficence turns clear-hearted thoughts to Death,
As her memory haunts my nightmares....

A Red-Wash

It's nice to win...specially when your opponents have been cribbing for ages about how you "cheated" them to win the last time out. So, when Manchester United thrashed the daylights out of Arse-null at Highbury, it gave me a feeling of immense pleasure.

Truly, a stunning display by the Red Devils, stamping their authority on the whingers that constitute the Arse-null squad and proving in the best possible way which the better team is. The last three times these teams have met have all resulted in ManU wins.....so any Arse-null fan (is there any such thing?) who wants to claim that Arse-null are better than ManU can just go and drown himself or start watching some football......

Anyway, enough of gloating....shall end this one here.