The Dream Has Gone.....

Just been through the worst day of my life...again. Spent the entire day thinking about something that's gone.....ah well, we all have these phases.

Had an exam and botched it up royally. For some reason (not going to say what) today my mind was just not where it should have been for an exam. It was very far away....both in space and in time...it had fled to a place where I would so love to be...a place I know I will never reach.

I started this blog in August....it was a time when I was going through a fair bit of turmoil...and a time I was introspecting a lot to understand just who I was and why I seemed to be on the path to self-destruction.

A fair bit of time has passed since then. I've had a few ups (errr...can't remember...but must have had, I guess...), more than just a few downs...and a lot in between. I've seen some really sad things happen to those I care for (though they are only a handful) and I've wondered why I don't have the strength to tell a friend why I feel that the decision he/she's taking is bound to have bad repurcussions......the fulfillment of my own visions has given me more pain than I thought the inital thought would have got me (if I had stated it).

I've realized that I can't really change myself back to who I used to be....although I know I would probably be so much happier that way.....

So today, I am introspecting once again...and wondering why I have been sitting here for the past 3 hours, alone, with a glass of scotch (constantly replenished of course) in my hand....why? Because, ultimately I guess, I'm right where I was when I wrote my first post to say things I can't say to people I know....

What makes me think this? Well, read a post on Red's blog that brought the memories flooding back....but they made me realize one thing....one of the most important things has changed......

In August, there was something I wanted...today I don't....because I know I can't fulfill that dream. In August I had no outlet. Today I do. In August, I felt, well, wasted....today I feel, there might just be something more left that life might have to offer me......whether a kick or a caress, I know not, but I will live to find out...

In the end, thanks Red....it was a miserable day...but I will go to bed (after this peg) a much calmer person....thanks again....