Loveliest of Them All

I saw her again last night. She appeared beside me as I lay on my back....she was even more resplendent than before, though I confess that this impression may have been caused by my flying higher than is the norm. She, or Sea as I call her (or C if you will have it that way) is my muse.....the one that has inspired a million thoughts and filled me with a rage of passion far greater than any force I have come across and done so more times than I care to count.....and so, these words are for her.... They're raw, for I don't care to edit them....they're written as they entered my mind and I don't want anything to change them.

I know that no words would ever suffice to capture the sublime bliss I felt when she responded to my reaching my hand out to her. Yet, all I can do is to humbly submit these to her. Someday, I hope she will be kind enough to show me her true face in all its serene beauty....

Clouds, mists and fragrant waves,
Over dew-soaked hills and plains,
Bring to me the message-bearing air,
Like the softly treading morning

Of dreams and words and whispered names,
And myriad faces that in tranquil lay,
The softest footfall never betrayed,
This epic that even time forgave

Bloodied shards fall into place,
Words in the wind beseech to wait,
The vision seen last in the cave,
Now bathed in life and so awake

At dawn she left in shimmering haze,
Alone I ponder through the day,
By myself with my only friend,
One I know but no more by face

Voices hanging in the past,
Piercing now they're coming back,
I see them in my looking-glass,
And surrender to their loving attacks

Will there be once again that hand?
Once again the touch that soothed my mind,
Being and thoughts mate in virgin night,
She stands right there by my side

The rivers still flow where she walked,
Her words that gave shape to free thought,
Once again I behold that changing form,
Prepare to ride another storm

Sheltered in warm welcoming arms,
A newborn curled in wonderment,
Gazing deep into eyes that gave,
My words a shape and heart a rage

Sinking

Who is that, if not the same as you?
Every little thing that you wouldn’t do,
For every moment in time that seemed lost,
Every drifting life that you thought was yours,
Keep it all pent-up inside,
For you never know which one will die,
Leaving for the place that you left,
Returning to destination nowhere,
Feeling the numbness of death
Was this all that was to be found?
Or is it the beginning of it all

Throw it all right back now,
Keeping only guilt for the new dawn,
Why feel that you missed the point?
When everything was so clearly a joy
Someday you too will awake,
That day when the dawn won’t break,
When the fishbowl crashes to the floor,
Know that the life of the goldfish is yours,
Breathe in the emptiest full space,
Exhale into the world you create

Crowning an emperor unknown,
Unable to see what was his own,
Trying to read what you’re not meant to know,
I’m confusing your thoughts with my overload,
Trying to break through the veil you made,
Words choke your voice and tears turn to hate,
Wanting to need or needing to want,
Possession was all; now there’s no more a demand
Feed me; my hunger you’ll never satiate,
Kill me; or pay for the unpaid debt of hate

Incited by the roads unlit but patrolled,
Drawn on like the moth to a flame untrue,
Darkness left as to the unknown you beckoned,
True light is a lie, for a metaphor it’s always been,
Heat strikes; lie dies, the curtain’s fallen now,
Walk back too long, forward is lost,
Hold me, you screamed when despair, it had struck,
Teach me now, what you saw in my eyes
Rolling a hope and puffing the dream,
Waiting to see if that’s all in my realm....

I, Me and Myself

"It's all about you for you...and all about me for me..."

"That's such a selfish way of looking at things..."

"Maybe, but it's the only real way you know..."

"What makes you say that? I've seen you go out of your way to help people. What was that? Was that also about you? Of course it wasn't....it was about feelings...it was about selflessness....about the desire to do good.....life's about that....it's not just about ourselves..."

"That's so untrue. At the end of the day, life being about me for me, doesn't mean that you don't matter. But why do I go out of my way to help you and not that little kid living in the garbage bin? Why do I think up reasons justifying my behaviour in allowing him to live in squalour, while the slightest inconvenience to you would have me trying to help you in removing it? Isn't that because of the way I want to feel about myself? That is 'selfish' too, don't you see? All of us do things for ourselves at the end of the day.....it's really not about someone else."

"Ever wondered about why your parents cared for you? Ever looked at a couple and thought that way? Ever thought of all those social workers* who go into areas so horrendous that you and I shudder at the thught of them? Ever marvelled at those who work with people like lepers? What about them? Working for a pittance.....or for nothing.....giving so unconditionally?"

"Sure.....ever asked them why they do it? The answer, more often than not is, 'self-satisfaction'. So, what's that? Feeling good about yourself, when all is said and done. That feeling could come from knowing that you helped your closest friend or a destitute you never saw...it doesn't matter where it comes from. As for parents, the joy of parenting, the pride in their children, the knowledge of having their heirs is what drives them......and caring is not just a joy for them....it's a responsibility......it's not a service they render**. So, what's left? The same thing that you call selfishness.....the happiness about oneself.....because ultimately, all our actions are driven by the desire to achieve that, which we believe will make us happy."

"So, you don't think there's anything good in what these people do? There's nothing to admire in them? Nothing to appreciate? Goddamn, you have to be the biggest cynic and the most selfish and unthinking bastard I have ever met.....you're reprehensible. How in God's name can you not appreciate those people and their efforts?"

"I do appreciate them. I do admire what they do. As a matter of fact, I think they are in a way better than us, for their happiness comes from things that are removed from their own physical beings. Yet, unlike you, I do not credit this to 'selflessness'. I realise that they only do this because they derive happiness from these tasks. If these tasks did not make them happy, they'd stop as well.....and that is exactly what I am driving at. If tomorrow, you suddenly feel that your life is incomplete if you can't help that urchin, you'd do it too....so would I.....but that would still not make us any less selfish in the purest sense of the word...."

"I still don't buy that..."

"Who cares? Like I said, it's all about me for me....and all about you for you...."

PS: * I believe Shabana (Aadmi) Azmi and all the members of her clique are a bunch of hypocritical losers who shuld be shot. The real workers - the ones I speak of - are rarely seen and never heard.

* As per my mom, a child owes nothing to the parents for bringing him/her up, as the parents didn't ask the child before having one....it's their responsibility to bring up a child once they have one; a duty and not a service.

Free Prisoners Of Chance

Billowing clouds of acrid smoke,
Rise from fingers ashen as the Earth,
Enclosed within open fields,
Waiting to see what can't be seen,

Forests, winds and stormy lair,
Hiding beneath what's truly there,
With the sight of third remorseless eye,
Came the sight of a world fading

Clawing away at stony walls,
Adding to lines the eyes now see,
Glimpses of the night before,
Inviting the hand to try once more

Arrogance of humble mask,
Eyes showing still a lingering fear,
The holes won’t close; they never could,
Widening with every passing year

If winning were eternal vice,
Would you kill the desire?
Would a wall threatening to fall,
Pull me deeper into the mire?

Wilful striking down of the other,
Not a thought of self-deceit,
Sight gnawing, trying to break free,
Building a chained fraternity

Still as sightless as at the start,
Still seeking me out for who you are,
Could chasing ever reach the tail,
Every move forever pulls away

Enchanting me, eluding me,
Freeing me to chained captivity,
Draping the view to the lonely truth,
Smiling within at your misery

Blinded By My Eyes

"I'm paranoid that some day I'll find that I am one too."
"Naah! I don't see that happening."
"Hope not man, I wouldn't be able to live with myself...it'd screw me up...."

Sometimes the worst fears we have are self-fulfilling prophecies. Perhaps it's beacuse we refuse to face them....or maybe it's because we spend most of out lives running away from them. It's natural I guess.....after all, what do you do when a man-eater sets on your trail....provided that you're not a hunter carrying a 12-bore.....

"No one screws you up.....We're the only ones that screw up our lives....we're the only ones capable of having that effect..."

Changes a lot of things when you look at them that way, doesn't it? After all, it suddenly removes your ability to blame pointy-haired bosses, God and even the milkman.... Hell, it just sent every existing crutch flying straight out of the window..... But, how easy is it to live with this philosophy? Don't we all need a crutch at some or the other? Having to blame yourself isn't the most appealing prospect....nor is it one that comforts you when you need comforting....

"Ever wondered if you're the one that's wrong?"
"Yeah, scary huh? But then, I don't have firm views on anything, so I guess that prevents my falling into the category of those whose beliefs are wrong."
"Is that a firm view?"
"Of course......oh......ok, wait..."

Yeah, most of the time you're so busy finding stuff to back your own theories, you completely miss the point. After all, who can think like a moron? And a moron is exactly what he who disagrees with you is, right? Why else do you try tio "talk sense into him"?

On a more serious note, will someone please explain to me why female singles are permitted into discs and stags are not? If we're so damned committed to this equality of the sexes thing, well, how equal is this?????

Random Conversations in MPD

"I'm sure this is the best way you know. It's the right thing and it's bound to work out correctly.....as per the plan. It's a no-brainer almost."

"Hmmm...I think the no-brainer is you actually. I see absolutely no way this thing is ever going to work out the way you want it to. It's silly to think about it actually.....pointless. You've refused to see every damn obstruction and when I point them out to you, you choose to just ignore them....you brush them off and behave as if they're inconsequential. Things don't work that way..."

"Oh, shut up! You're the one that always screws up everything. Who in Hell's name are you to advise me? You think I'm silly? Go on, tell me what happened the last time I told you to do something and you stopped because of all those stupid obstructions you saw? What happened after that? You're just playing the role of a wimp right now. Know what the problem is with you? You're too damn scared. That's all there is to it....the shell, the damned show, the lies, the self-deception....it all boils down to the fear...."

"Fair enough. So I over-estimated once or maybe, and I'll grant you this, I was late in reacting. I may even have made a misjudgment! But the fact remains that at no point was I illogical. Nor was I rash and stupid. I did what I considered was the most logical thing to do at that time....and I stand by my view that it was correct. I see no reason why one event should change anything at all...and as for fear, go to Hell.....I'm not afraid....not of you....and not of myself...."

"Well, in that case, why are you in this shape now? Remember when it was me? We were happier then, weren't we? Now all you do is impose yourself and make both of us miserable. Look back and face facts.....that was the right way and it still is. You've made a royal hash of things, but it's not irredeemable yet. There's time......turn back......trust me..."

"Trust? You? You've got to be kidding me. All you did was to get us into trouble. It's just that the way we were then, it didn't matter to either of us....the thoughts were nothing like they are now, nor were the costs of our actions.....and look at the biggest thing that happened. Was that you or me? That was me.....not you......not your irreverant way of treating things, your blind optimism....your misplaced faith...."

"It would have happened much before if it was me you know....I know you keep saying that it would not have happened at all if it had been me and I know that you also say that even if it had happened, it would have not been anywhere close to as good as it was. But the fact is that you say these things solely because you're a damned cynic. A cynic who will always keep hiding behind that cloak of "logic", which you use to hide your fear away..."

"Bullshit! You're an optimist? Fair enough.....but you're also the biggest cynic I have ever met! I'm a realist. I see what bad things can happen....very true.....I look at every situation with a view to determining what could possibly go wrong and yes, I do attach more importance to weighing the potential loss.....but I still feel bad when something bad happens, whether to me or someone else......it hurts me. Not you...... You delight in the events when something bad that you foresaw actually happens. You have the 'I told you so' stance then......I, on the other hand, feel bad about the fact that it happened, that I wasn't wrong and that I couldn't do a damn thing to stop the event happening....inspite of knowing....."

"You'll never be happy you know.....you're too scared.....too logical......try waking up to the fact that at times you should just let go......flow with it....allow yourself to be carried away by what you feel like doing...."

"You'll never get it.....logic is everywhere...in everything......you just have to get it right, that's all....the interpretation I mean.....and that's why you'll always be in trouble......you will never see the right path, because you're blind....

And you know what will happen if I do what you're saying? It'll screw up everything even more......not that it seems like there is anything much left, to be honest. But your ideas will ruin everything we have!!!! Can't you see reason? It's numbing to think that you have absolutely no idea what your scheme and idea entails!!!"

"You're a scared cynic"

"No.....you're just blind and stupid..."

I guess I just must myself.....

Kindling Hope

"I guess I'm just an asshole man"
"What makes you say that?"
"Just. I know it. Should let go.....but can't. In a way, I don't know what I'm doing"
"Huh? I think you know exactly what you're doing..."
"No. I know what I should be doing....and just can't do it."

It's weird. At times you know what's best for you and yet you can't do it. Most people seem to face that. That's why people hold on to lost causes. People cling on to memories and feelings when they should learn to move on. People dream and hope when it's best to bury both and seek newer things in life......everyone does it.

I guess it's just too hard to let go for most people. Moving on means you face the past, it involves facing your failures and your miseries. It's just much easier to cling on to hope....however hopeless it may be. It's the quintessential proof of human weakness and it's one of the things that people just can never seem to do anything about. Like I said, you know what's wrong and you know how to fix it......you just don't have the balls to start.....

For a while now, I've been feeling an emptiness. A feeling that there was something missing. There were answers I didn't have, questions that seemed to have no form and life seemed to lack meaning, logic and directoin quite honestly. Thinking about it somehow made things worse at times......it does for most people....after all, that's why they say, "Ignorance is bliss". Which is quite a thought. After all, why should ignorance be bliss? After all, isn't it better to have the answers than to be swept along by the tide for a purpose you have no inkling about and with people you have no wish to be associated with?

As I pondered upon that, it seemed to me that the answer once again was that it's very difficult at times to face the truth about yourself. Once you start thinking about certain things and asking certain questions, the answers are difficult to find and even tougher to accept. But once you start down that path, you can't stop......the torment drives you on to seek more.....like a friend of mine mentioned last night, "I don't want to think.....maybe I am asking for too much....maybe I'm scared......I don't know...." It's something that's inevitable.....as long as you don't think about things, as long as you seek no truth and want no answers, you feel good about yourself and feel like you're a knowledgable person with all the answers you need to have....

Then you ask questions and suddenly realise you know nothing and the thirst is now unquenchable......thus begins the misery......the end of bliss....the false bliss caused by ignorance.

"I reached what proved to be a crisis. Everything I had lived for had ceased to satisfy......I found myself thirsting for more, much more, without knowing what or why". Reading these lines in the introduction of a book felt surreal. After all, this was sounding very, very familiar. I picked up the book (I was looking for something on the same subject anyway) and am now half-way through the book. It's on the Upanishads. At some points I have different interpretations from the author's. Luckily the book is in the form of (translated) excerpts from different Upanishads followed by the author's interpretation, so I am able to form my own interpretations too (however flawed they may be ;-) ).

The beauty is the purity of the philosophy. There is no concept of God (although the author brings God in at times in his interpretations, but I ignore that, knowing that Indian philosophy defines no "god"). There are no rules.....there is just a quest for truth. From what little I have read, I can say that these texts surpass anything that Socrates, Plato or any other Western philosopher ever imagined......

The concept of duality dissolves into nothingness.....there is no duality....the answers are simple.....realization is something that hardly anyone will achieve....but it's still nice to know that there are answers there...and there is a path to follow......or at least there are directions....must get hold of the entire texts though......the excerpts are awesome but there's the annoying thought that so much has been missed out......

Aspiration

Often you read wonderful stuff that you never forget. Sometimes though, you read things that make you wonder if you could ever have thought writing like that was possible. The words inspire an awe in the reader and bind him in a spell....

This is one of my all-time favourites. "Invictus" in Latin, means "Unconquerable".

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley "Invictus"

If one were to read about the author (or poet, if you will), the admiration is doubled....but I would rather just allow the words to sink in,than think of what tangible event inspired them....and allow the emotions for the poet to dilute the effect of his words.....

The sad thing about this stunning piece though is that Tim McVeigh's blasphemy is responsible to a great extent for publicising it. The terrorist used these as his last words.......if ever there was a wrong use thought of for something of great depth and beauty, this was it.....sad but true.

Another stunning piece that I can't get out of my mind is by a person who is totally different from Henley. His is perhaps the most famous name in literature.....

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- William Shakespeare "Macbeth"

These words are too beautiful and deep for me to believe that he just wrote them without feeling the words......

I For An Eye

It’s been a year since I started blogging. Yep, was in August 2004 that I started. Thanks to Falconmyst for pointing that out. I still remember my emotions then. There was something that it seemed to me was not quite right in life. Sure, I had just got into an IIM, a very troublesome person had just passed right out of my life, the worst seemed well behind me, life seemed like it was at the start of a new road almost…..and yet…..there was something that was not quite right….or perhaps there was something that was missing.

I wasn’t able to say really what it was. It was almost as if I had no real idea what it was that was missing or was wrong….and yet there was something like that. Happens to all of us from time to time I think. And yet it’s inconceivable that we don’t know what is wrong. After all, if we know something is wrong, surely it is because some part of us recognises that there is something wrong or missing. So why don’t we know it? Why do we feel so helpless? Why feel so resigned to the fact that we should just shove the thought away, consign it to the recesses of our minds where we can’t see it and proceed on our merry way?

I guess it’s because life’s easier that way…because the part of us that knows the problem is a part of us that is lost to us almost….from being our very consciousness, it is now a part of our subconscious……and it is a part that the we are taught to forget….taught to ignore, though not to bluntly….and that’s why we can’t see just what the problem is….although, since that part of is inextricably linked to our beings, we are not able to ignore it to the point that we are able to nullify the emotions that it creates…..

Try hard enough, look deep enough within and we all can find the problem…every single time….without exception……that’s why I write I guess. When I write, I just let myself go. I shut the conscious part of my brain….try to stop thinking of what I am writing and let the words flow…editing things like that is meaningless…..but read what flows and sometimes you see things that you wouldn’t normally see……each of us can do that in our own unique way…and the beauty lies in the fact that no one other than you can see it the same way…..because the answers define you…the words are you, the thoughts are real, the meaning is sublime…..and the consciousness that results is life……

Seeking the endless road to walk down,
Looking for everlasting pain,
Hope you find the will to live again,
Burning the water along your way,
Eyes dry and words form a river,
Walls stand up to the rising waves,
Kicking away a pebble so easy,
Boulders don’t crack or roll away

Clouds welcome me to a home that lies there,
Empty rooms remind me of ancient ruins,
Mist falls and blocks the lights here,
But darkness….it still never descends,
Beseeching the fresh touch of life and more,
So keen to start anew today,
Packed my bags to walk away now,
Dying is all that lies in the way

Pull the plug on the way out,
The light it continues still to shine,
A blind man never saw so clearly,
When every truth you speak is such a lie,
I know we didn’t see it coming,
Never thought you too were meant to die,
Could not allow you any closer,
Now walls show more than I can hide

Yeah, writing helps….but sometimes it just tells you more than you wanted to know…..

Lonesome Twosome (or "You're Diplomatic, I'm Not")

It was in the first Term here that we were made to write an essay on "Who am I?" My very first sentiment when I heard the topic was one of amusement, to be honest, for this is the eternal question that every philosopher worth his salt - and many millions of common men like me besides - have thought of and endeavoured to answer and the common thread that binds all these seekers is their combined and continued failure to get any closer to the answer than the world was before their efforts.

Well, at any rate, I wrote that piece with more than just a bit of detachment as I was quite aware that when the combined effects of introspection and reading down the years had yielded nothing, a few hours of effort, and that too for an essay that is part of class work, was hardly likely to bring me anything much by way of enlightenment. I devoted myself therefore to finishing the thing as fast as possible and making it grammatically and syntactically correct, which was, I believed, a far more practical target.

It was when the sheets were handed out that I chanced once again upon a classmate with whom I had, just a few days earlier, been working on a project. We had been quite at ease with each other (abnormal when you are me) and had worked in near-perfect harmony to finish the project. We spoke but little in the hours that we worked together and once the work was done (we only took one sitting of 5 hours or so) we had not really spoken to each other again. Not by choice or anything like that. It was the simple matter of our paths not really meeting at any point during that time. Now, as I held his essay in my hand, my mind suddenly went back to our conversation…..

It was still a few months later though that we really got to know each other. ‘Got to know’ is perhaps a vague term, but it is still the only one that I can, with my limited vocabulary come up with to explain what had transpired. He left my room that day with a whimsical smile on his face and uttered a line that was loaded in meaning, “Surprising really, how no one sees the similarities.” Truly, it is something that I too have spent a lot of time thinking about. And each time I stop at the same point…..no one does and no one probably ever will see the similarities. Because the very nature of these causes the confusion and the veils that cover them, are perhaps too heavy to be torn off and too thick to be penetrated.

It came up again a few days ago, when someone else mentioned a total contrast in a situation where the objects or persons mentioned, were seen by me as almost identical. Identical to the point of disbelief almost. So, who’s wrong? No one in the one sense, both in another. After all, it all boils down to where you are standing and how you wish to read and define words, because in the end analysis all these are just words and the meanings we give them are our own. Our interpretations will always differ and very often even two interpretations of our own will be in stark contrast to each other. So, just how is one to pronounce judgment on these issues?

And yet one does, and does it very often at that. “Opinions are like arseholes. Everybody has one”, said a famous person, and in truth there have been very few truer statements made down the years. Is there any topic in the world on which everyone agrees? Not that I know of. From burning issues like the way that a certain foodstuff should be cooked to the mundane ones like terrorism and global warming everyone has an opinion and each person is firmly convinced that his opinion is the correct one and that if people would only see reason (the way they see it), the world would be a better place.

OK, I’m digressing and beginning to ramble, but that’s just the way thoughts go. (Another interesting thought: Ever tried tracing how your thoughts move from one topic to another until finally you realise that while you had started off discussing the mess food, you’re now discussing whether or not NASA faked the moon landing? If not, do so some time. It can be good fun.) Coming back to where I was though, everyone seems to have an opinion and as standpoints are always different as are situations, most of these opinions are based on superficialities.

I have often had interesting and long-drawn arguments on the topic of whether or not people change with time. My contention is that while superficialities change and the masks and overt reactions of a person change, not just with time but circumstances, the core of the person remains exactly the same. So, while you may instil in a person a feeling of wanting to be calm and methodical, you will never be able to remove that inner urge in him to be impetuous and impulsive. The difference being that while on the surface the person will have changed, the inner person remains very much the same. I am open to arguments on this line of thought and am willing to admit that I may very well be wrong, but inasmuch as I have seen and experienced, this holds true.

This would tend to explain to a great extent why two very similar persons are perceived as being totally different in nature by the world. What continues to astound me though, is that people have so much faith in their own judgment when it comes to people that they will not for a moment consider their fallibility even if it were pointed out to them in reasonably clear words. What doubles my amazement is that in fields where such faith would be warranted, these people exhibit more fear and self-doubt than can be removed by anything less than hypnotics or cocaine.

Ultimately therefore, the meaning and interpretation that two people impart to the same words will always result in differing results in their analyses and were these to be considered in conjunction, they are more likely to result in chaos than getting any closer to the truth. Then again, it is through chaos alone that any real truth and calm can emerge, so perhaps there again, I am mistaken in my beliefs. Until the two are married to each other or until we reach the stage of realization, they remain a lonesome twosome.....lonely in the togetherness that binds them.....a contrast in their similarities....and oblivious to the chaos that their their very oblivion causes.