Sunday, July 31, 2005

Realism Reloaded

What would it be like to really be free? A lot of us claim that we treasure freedom above all else, that what we ask others for above all else, is to retain our freedom..... and things like that. But how many of us really are free? Ultimately none of us. We love to claim we are. We love to claim that we are all heading in the direction we want to, because we made a choice to and because we are free to exercise our will.....

All a load if bullcrap, if you ask me. We've never had our choice. We never had our freedom and those of us that chose to try and break free, were shot down before the flight began. As a child, noone really gave a damn what you wanted. Your choices were made for you. You did what the norms said. If you were a farmer's son, you learnt how to plough the fields and feed the animals. Or, of course, as is more likely among people like us, you were packed off to school.....

Who decided what you "learnt" at school? Not you, oh no! Not you by a long way....not even anyone who knew you......and so it slogged up through school. You were then told by your parents what stream to choose, when that "choice" finally faced you. Once again, it wasn't you really. You thought it was, perhaps (though a lot of people admit that they weren't even given a chance to think about what they wanted to do) but it wasn't that way at all, in truth. If you were scoring well, you opted for Science.....else you went for Commerce.....and finally Arts.....even those that were "given the choice", mostly went with the herd......who wants to be conspicuous?

I am not saying that this is the universal norm.....although it is true for most. Yet, this is just a simple and very obvious example. You see it much more in life as it unfolds around you. Terms like "maverick", iconoclast", "weird", "eccentric" etc didn't come to exist for any reason other than to make you kowtow to the rules...."Discipline!" What is discipline? Obeying the rules, that's what discipline is....they call it by many names....."social responsibility", "moral responsibility", "societal norms", familial norms", "religious norms", "civic responsibility". All fu*king bullshit!

These are the rules that have ruined our world. These are the rules that led to the creation and the prosperity of "religions". Religion.....the ultimate manifestation of the chains that society binds us in.....Scare the masses. Create this fake it "God"...then scare the crap out of people. Command them to do your work....tell them "God" wants them to...and then tell them that if they don't, they'll be consigned to the flames of "Hell", of "Jahannum" fot the rest of Eternity. "Let's see how many break free of that! Oh! And we get them to entertain us too....with wars and crusades and jehads and the odd terrorist attacks....not to mention the separatist movements and occassional riots.....let's also throw bombing and arson in with that.......proselytization? Ummm...yeah! sounds good to us more of an opportunity to have some fun, what?" Dirty, decieving bastards...... I'll devote another one to them someday....

"Free your mind" they say.....and then they tell you where the boundaries of that freedom are. "Who's stopping you? Do what you want to; you're free to do it", people say.....and then they tell you what's acceptable and what's not......

I really do wonder....where the Hell has "development" been taking us all these years? What the fu*k is development anyway? Most can't even freaking define what they mean by it. "Improvement in the quality of life", most of the rest tell me. Yes.....right....this is improvement. When I don't have time for anything that really matters to me. When I can't enjoy the small and simple joys of life. When I can hardly find time to breathe because there's so much "to be done". When I can't be me.....because society wouldn't like me.....if I were me.....yes, that's an improvement in quality of life I guess......because we do claim to be "developing".....

Reminds me of a guy I once knew.....I was in school then. He did nothing. "Nothing", in the sense that "nothing" is used these days. He spent his time with his band....made rock music....never sold a damn copy....never got a contract to cut an album even......I remember the looks he was subjected to......even by us kids. We could never call him anything but "a total waste of life"......I was 9 at the time and he was close to things change.....

Friday, July 29, 2005

My Own Prison

Saw The Shawshank Redemption last night. I guess there's nothing to say about that movie that everyone doesn't already know. That movie moves me deep down. It's not that I think about Andy getting convicted for something he never did, not about Brooks who committed suicide because fifty years had robbed him of everything but the pretence of's more than that.....

The movie stands out to me because in my darkest despair, it has, quite literally given me a new hope. It's the reaffirmation of an old belief that as long as you have something to work towards, nothing can slow you down....nothing at all. Not people, not rules, not even rivers of shit. But the moment you resign yourself to living within walls, you might as well kill yourself, for you're no longer really alive.

Most walls aren't made for us by others. We build them ourselves. We make our own prisons and then become too afraid to peer out into the open.....too afraid to think of what we may achieve if only we could let ourselves go......too afraid to believe that anything exists beyond the walls we've built. We become too afraid to dream. It's like a bird in a cage....after a while, even if you free it, it can't can't any more....because it doesn't want should have died in there....

Some people are born to live in prisons. Their prisons are made before they even know what freedom feels like...some people decide it's best to stay in a prison.....for this way lies security. And some reach points where they find they've walked into a prison. They're the ones that try to break out...and most of them give up after a while.....some just decide to back away when faced with that river of shit.....could you go on?

It's not easy swimming against the tide when the tide constitutes everything and everyone other than you.....we can all do with a little help at times.....and that's where you need to have it within....another line from Shawshank, "Salvation lies within". How true. You can find it in a lot of ways - music, for instance....but you need the conviction more than anything else; the conviction that what you strive for is worth the stuff you need to go through to get there......

Each of us has his or her own river of shit to crawl through. Very few of us will try....fewer still will make it through.....let's see.....

As they say so rightly, "Get busy living....or get busy dying".....damn right.....

What's a real friend?
Someone with whom an hour spent in perfect silence is the best harmony......

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Technologically Speaking....

Now, I consider myself a technological idiot. I don't know how to even modify the template of a blog. I mean, I look up to those who can, and consider them to be blooming geniuses, but they seem to think it is such a matter of fact thingy, that at times I get a bit ashamed of my own shortcomings. It's not nice you know, when you are at the receiving end of a comment like:

"Oh, come on, it's so easy!!!! Just go the html code and change the turbo settings to increase the nitro boost every time you want to enter hypertext and then alter the piece of code that will make your text float out of the screen when the viewer wants to eat some RSS and link it directly to the point where the mumbo meets the jumbo and finally delete that atom there and instead use some XML to increase the mark of the linkages of your page in the pasta section of the spaghetti."

Yes, I know, the technophiles among you are wondering what sort of idiot I am that I can't understand such a simple task, but to me it's incomprehensible and I really do admire those that do these kind of things....I've always admired rocket scientists......

Anyway, as technologically impaired as I may be, I do know how to use a phone! I really think it's not that difficult and after a year or so of intensive training, I found that I knew how to use most of the basic functionalities of a phone.....making calls, receiving calls and sometimes I am even successful at sending messages!!! Which is why I am sometimes amazed at the sheer lack of training that some people exhibit. Sample this for example...

Last night I received a call from some number that I did not know. So, I called back and this is what ensued:

Me: Hullo, I received a call from this number
She: No. I have never called this number
Me: You must have, otherwise how could I have got a call from this number?
She: No. I did not call this number

(Now, she was sounding pissed. As if she thought I was a rogue trying to make conversation with her on a silly pretext.)

Me: Look, I am on roaming and this is an STD call. I don't have money to burn you know. So, did you or anyone with you make a call to a number in Bombay??
She: No!!!!! I tell you I did NOT!!!!
Me: OK.....sorry to trouble you then....(I cut off after this.)

But that's not where it ends (obviously). 5 minutes later, she called back!!!

She: I called to tell you that my friend had called you. I'm sorry.
Me: No problem
She: Are you Rachit?
Me: No, I'm not. (Told her my name and all that. It turned out to be a misunderstanding and we disconnected)

5 minutes later, I got a call again from her!!!!

She: Are you Rachit?
Me: No, I told you, I am not Rachit! You've got a wrong number
She:Oh! But he gave me this number!
Me: *Sigh* Then it's probably time you got the message. Anyway, he gave you the wrong number or else you heard it wrong. I am not Rachit.

(Again we disconnected)

This morning, she called me again!!!!!!!

She: Hi, Rachit???
Me: *Sigh* No! I am not Rachit. I told you, I am Mukund!!! I have no idea whom you want. I do not know anyone called Rachit. I am not even in Bombay right now! I have never come across anyone called Rachit.
She: Oh! OK......

5 minutes later, my drunken sleep was broken again....

She: Hi, Rachit?
Me: Lady, you're getting on my nerves now. I told you, I am on roaming and I am not Rachit!!! Get it? Not Rachit, not Rachit, not Rachit!!! I am Mukund!!!!!
She: But I confirmed. He had given me this number.....

Goddamn! Did she really think that I would have metamorphosed into Rachit??? Keep calling the same number if you have the wrong may find that the person receiving it has suddenly metamorphosed into the person you want him to be!!! Or perhaps he will get so frustrated with your stupidity that he'll dig out the person you're looking for or at least find his number!!! Jeez!!!! By the way, I shall not bore you, but she called once more after that to inform me that this was the number that this ass Rachit had even given his own folks!!!! Ooooh! Thank you. That knowledge changes my freaking life! I will now attain Nirvana!!!!!!!!

This also reminds me of another incident when an irate friend slammed the receiver into place and turned to face me.

He: I think she either gave me the wrong number or that MTNL have completely lost it!
Me: No, the number's correct. I spoke to her in the morning....
He: Well, I have tried at least 20 times now...and each time I get the same wrong number!!!!
Me: Hmmm.....that's strange....
He: You bet it is. I think I'll sue MTNL
Me: Is this the number you are dialling?
He: YEAH!!!!
Me: OK....try again...

He picked up the phone and promptly pressed the "Redial" button!!!! Yeah pal, sue MTNL....for having customers who are too damned stupid to own a telephone.....

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I Hate Doing This.....

Yeah, I hate writing (or typing, if you will) this far more than you will hate reading this......but, *sigh*, been told by too many people...and as they told me, I did get them into the book thingy.....but then again, I like books....anyway, here goes....

1. Mukund
2. Mike
3. N/A

Naah....actually, it's:

1. Satan
2. Damien
3. Lucipher

1. assmasher
2. midnightmare
3. MvB

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: (This is silly. I hate vanity, but anyway...)
1. My hair (please don't fall off!!!!)
2. My eyes (couldn't think of anything else)
3. My tongue :-) (Yes....bigger is indeed better and this actually satisfies the "VRIO" - value, rarity, inimitability, organization - criteria and is a source of "sustained competitive advantage". :D)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: (WTF is this supposed to mean????? Will go by what the rest said about themselves in this one)
1. Music
2. Solitude
3. Vindictiveness...... :-)

1. Ignorance
2. The thought that I may be what I hate the most
3. Celibacy (That TERRIFIES me ;-) )

1. Solitude and introspection
2. Music
3. A book (non-academic)


1. Jeans
2. Tee
3. Shoes (About to leave for an exam)

1. Independence (aka space)
2. Humour
3. Intelligent Conversation

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. Women? I don't need them......
2. If there be something truly blissful, it's music....
3. I need oxygen to survive......

1. Hair ( no specifics....long, short....if they look nice, I'm an admirer..... :-) )
2. Eyes.....if there's one way to see a person, it's to follow and read the eyes....
3. Legs (shapely.....all the way :D)

1. Bunk the exam
2. Make some music
3. Make out with a lovely woman

(The last 2 are perennial feelings :-) )

1. Full-time consultant to Salma Hayek (*sigh*...some things are just too beautiful to describe)
2. Frontman of my own metal band
3. A boring, fuddy-duddy manager by day...... :-( (and point 1. or 2. by night :D)

1. Amsterdam (To see Ajax play.....honestly!!!)
2. Paris (To improve my French...I's got nothing to do with what you are thinking or what I am.....oops...)
3. Manali.....(For the scenery...the green grass....Aaaahhhh!!!!!)


(I hate kids. I detest kids. But, I shall fill this with the weirdest REAL names that I have come across. They prove that a lot of parents hate their children. I swear, honestly, that I have met people with these names...)

1. Conception Dias (What???? Yeah....)
2. Cinderella D'Costa (No kidding....I am being honest)
3. Koshy Koshy Koshy (Yes, first middle and last name....)

1. Sleep with Salma Hayek (How I wish....)
2. Watch Real Madrid thump Barcelona 11-0 at the Nou Camp with ManU smashing Arse-hole-nil 15-0 at Highbury on the same day....
3. Drive a Formula1 car......

I'll be nice to the world.......(that's a way of actually saying, "every1 I know has already taken it ;-) ). No, wait!!!!!!!! Neeta, it's your turn!!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

In Mars We Trust - VII

Now, I swear to you that this really happened......this girl (an IIM student) was asked at her initiation what qualities she looked for in her man...and first off she said he needed to be at least 6 feet, that's perfectly fine of course....I mean, even though I am only around 4'1", I can say honestly that I see nothing wrong with that....except that she's probably only 5'0" (with stilettos) herself!!! I guess a step-ladder might be in order as a marriage gift.....

Now, if you're sensible, which by default of course means that you are male, you will see the absolute stupidity of this......but mention this to any woman as a joke, and chances are she'll either just try to murder you with her looks or pull out that scythe that most women carry hidden in their mouths all the time. I'd bet on the latter, but you never may be one of the unluckier ones.....

Either way, you'd have learnt the hard way, a lesson that I am teaching you in this one....that women are not just silly and impractical and unreasonable....they are also absolutely cock-eyed in their expectations of what their men should do for them....

Let's go back to the first known instance of these things. If my old pal Hans C. Anderson is to be believed, a few years ago, women expected their men to ride horses up glass hills in order to be eligible to marry them! Now, what kind of absolute whackjob would want that? I mean, how many times in her life is a woman going to have any use for a man who can climb up glass hills? Dashed stupid if you ask me (Yes, that's a Wooster line). Compounded of course, by the fact that even if the need ever did arise for someone to ride up a glass hill in order to save her life (yeah, seems unlikely, but bear with me. The women raise the "what if" too damned often...), one asks oneself if she wouldn't have been better off by merely buying the horse instead!!!!!!!

Which leads very neatly onto the next thing. Should we really wish that women demanded less from our modes of transport? (After all, my car can't go up even a silly hillock, forget a glass hill!!!) And the answer surprisingly is NO!!!! Because it appears that their demands from men are far worse!!!

"He should be able to die for me..."
"He should be willing to sacrifice his right arm for me..." etc etc.....

Now, the first scenario seems ghastly, at first look doesn't it? I mean, think about it, you're standing at the edge of this cliff and the girl's father is running behind the two of you with a rifle...the options are:

1. Jump together (a la the Hindi movies)
2. She jumps and you escape in the resulting confusion, misery and police jeeps-induced roadkill fest...
3. You jump and she returns to the arms of daddy dearest

You bet she'll expect you to choose the third can also bet that she'll shed a gallon of tears the night before her wedding on the shoulder of your best friend before she proceeds to marry your boss (crocodile-hide shoes anyone? :-) ).....and then proceed to live happily ever after of course....but this is straying from the point. Which is, that as horrible as this scenario may sound, it is the other one that terrifies me more!!!

Like, what kind of person expects you to cut off your arm for her???? Would she have any use for you after that? Not much really, unless she's a which case, she's not apt to be inclined to hitching up with her travelling freak show's biggest draw.....but once again, that's straying from the course we had set at the beginning.

I'd hate to have a woman come to me holding in her left arm, a ghastly right arm, while her right sleeve hung by her side. Even if it was someone just playing a joke like that on me, it would have me shivering in my sleep for at least the next five minutes. But do these women think that way? Oh no, you bet they don't!!! They probably had the mantlepiece measured out even before they knew you...and you can now decide for yourself why women maintain those dug up backyards.......even in apartment houses.....c'mon did you really believe they were for cats?

Finale: If you really want to know what women can make men into, think about Spode. He was actually, in his own words, "willing to tear himself into little bits, if it made Madeline happy." Now, if this doesn't tell you about Madeline's character, nothing ever will....

Although one must remember mates, that at times we do have exactly this irrationality of women to thank.....I shall never forget that look of total exasperation on the face of this parent (all parents seem to have the same expression when they see me), as he remarked:

"I can't figure out WHY...I mean WHY does she actually seem to like going out with you???? What in God's name does she see in anyone as revoltingly offensive as you???? Why can't she be sensible for a change?????"

Ummmm....that's why I prefer women dumb :-) Remember dudes, if women judged men the way most men judge women, we'd spend our entire lives inside gyms trying to look like what the women wanted us to look like.....while they waited for us in the pubs growing beer bellies......

Sunday, July 10, 2005

In Mars We Trust - VI

This one is for ~J~....dedicated to her post about the lack of men with "initiative" and all those kinda things.....

Guy: “Umm…you know, errr….I, I really ….errr…..I really like you.”
Woman: “THAT has got to be the worst way of saying it that I have ever heard.”
(Awkward silence….woman twists a lip….the guy feels like jumping in front of the oncoming lorry. It was certainly a prettier sight imagining her weeping over his body than standing here like this being ridiculed…..)
Woman (after a 1 hour silence. At least it seemed like an hour to him.): “I’ve been waiting for months to hear you say that….”

Now, whenever I narrate this to a guy friend, he, like me, is all sympathy for the poor man in this, who’s made to squirm and feel like a total loser in this entire scenario. The women however, think it’s “So sweet!!!” Kinda predictable. After all, they are a species that delights in inflicting pain and humiliation on us ever-tolerant males…..

I mean look at it. Who’s the dumb one in the afore-mentioned conversation? The woman knew the chappie liked her for months, given her words. She also knew she liked him and she knew he was the type that dilly-dallied for months!!!! ….So what on Earth was stopping her from telling him herself????? Well, that is the logical thing to do, you’d say (if you’re male), but from where they stand, you see, that would mean forgoing the best way in which to make this chap feel small!!!!

Now, I can already hear the women clamouring and asking, “Why didn’t he tell her before???” Well, my dear ladies, the fault for that lies in you too! Think about it……a typical conversation between a group of women:

Woman1: That guy was such a jerk!!! I mean, he just walks right up to me and goes, "Can I buy you a drink?" Like, "Hel-lo!!!! Do I look like some kind of pick-up????? Get lost!!!!" You should have seen his face!!!! Looked like he wanted to kill himself (Laughter all around the table)

Woman2: Yeah, those guys are such creeps!!!! Like this guy who walked up to me last night and went, "I've been looking at you all evening" and I was like, "Huh?? Dumbass, I just got here!!!" Loser!!! (More peals of laughter)

And it goes on. Now, do you really think that after facing such sadistic brutality, these guys are going to be in a hurry to approach another woman….”take the initiative”, as women like to call it? Now contrast this to what would ensue if a woman, however hideous, approached a man……I can see the civility that would ensue. It’d probably sound like:

Woman: Hello, I saw you from over the bar. Can I buy you a drink?
Man: Uh….sure… problem….
Woman: OK….

It’s obvious that after a while this man will get a call from his girlfriend, wife, mother or his ex-boss’ manservant or maybe his maid’s dying grandmother, making it imperative for him to leave, but you see, he’s left the woman her pride. Do women do that with us? Uh-huh…..I mean, they’ll watch us fall over our feet and not just rub it in, but also go and crack jokes about it (with tons of exaggeration) to their girlfriends…..

So, just what do women want? Well, in my opinion, they just want to bring more misery to men. All I need to do is reflect on this conversation I had with a friend of mine recently….

Me: So, did he call?
She: No, not yet…I wonder why….has he called you for my number yet?
Me: Huh? You mean he doesn’t have your number?
She: No. I took his and told him I’d give him a missed call…..
Me: Then how do you expect him to call you?
She: He should work to get my number na? Let him make an effort ya.
Me: Huh? Dumbass!!! Call him!!!
She: No, let him stew…..

Huh???? Am I the only one that thinks she’s dumb???? Anyway, we all know women are dumb in any case, so why dwell on that?

Getting back to “taking the initiative”, have you noticed the number of easy lines that are no longer acceptable? I mean, women now don’t just want a man who approaches them, they also want a line they’ve never heard before…, how many stupid things are there that you can tell a person you’ve never met????? Kinda silly to expect newer stuff everytime if you ask me…..coz at this rate we’ll soon have men trying out stuff like, “So, which shampoo do you use for your pet poodle, if you have one?” or “Do you support Japan in their anti anti-whaling crusade?” or, “Which coloured tiles do you like in public restrooms?”

Seriously, if this is what feminism and women’s lib are all about, I’m all for a return to the Victorian era….though I must say that reading the travails of a certain Bertram Wilberforce Wooster has certainly made me wonder if things were any better then……

To top it all, I now have even the stupid advertising industry against me!!!!! I mean, women, WOMEN kept telling me that I should now leverage on the fact that am in an IIM……Well, that’s fair enough….or so I thought….

So, I got to Bombay with these grand plans…..only to see that the most popular ad amongst the women at that time was this stupid billboard with this woman on it saying “So, I am not from an IIM….so WHAT???” And these same women "looooorrrrveeee" it!!!!! ????????

*Sigh* Women……

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


"For every hero, there must exist a villain". Don't know why, but suddenly this line came to my mind today. Took me a while to figure out where I had heard it, and then it struck me as being all the more odd that I should have suddenly recalled it, because I saw the movie only once, and that was years ago, when it was released (and I was very disappointed with it, like all fans of the first part).

Anyway, the more I ponder on it, the truer it seems actually, and the way we live this line, seems to explain a lot of things around us that at different times frustrate, delight, depress and occassionally just occupy our time. Yeah, we're all a bunch of hypocrites deep down. Like, you bitch about others being "bitches". Seems odd when put that way, but think about it and I think each one of us would have to admit that it's the truth.....we've all done something like that at some time or the other....

And that's exactly where this fact comes in. All of us need someone or something to hate. It's life. Everyone has a set of beliefs and notions. Furthermore, each of us has illusions that we deem to be real, to be true, and to be the definitive rules by which we live our lives. One of these is the notion of heroism. Why do movies appeal to us? Mind you, I am not mentioning any particular movie, it could be any! Why do "real-life heroes" as the press calls them, appeal to us? Because somewhere deep down, we want to be them or emulate them, or at times, somewhere we like to feel that they are just reflections of us......that we're the same or would be the same, just that circumstances played into their hands and not ours.....

But you can't really believe in "good" without there being "bad". I mean, who would Bruce Wayne be if there was no crime in Gotham City? So it is with everything. And so it is, with day-to-day life. We like to think of ourselves and those we like as "right" or "good". We're the heroes in our eyes. We're the ones that live right, that think right......that are right!!!!

But to justify this, inevitably, there have to be the others.....those that are everything we are not....the "villains". We create them. We perceive them all around us. And we hate admitting to ourselves that we could be wrong. I'm not talking now about forming "impressions" about people. We do that anyway. But we also decide who's the "bad guy". I can honestly say, that as much as I may pride myself on being "objective" and trying to be "unbiased" when I interact with people I don't know, once I decide a person is one of the "others", there's hardly anything anyone can say or do, to convince me otherwise. It's all subconscious, but it happens.....and it almost never strikes us that this is what is happening....

You don't consciously think of people as "villains". You just call them "assholes", "weirdoes", "pseudos", "wastes".....whatever......but you do.....

Sample this conversation. God knows how many times I have heard this being said....and heck, almost all of us have probably said something like this at some time or the other....or done something like that and justified it to ourselves like this...

"He's such an asshole. Know what he did yesterday? He blah-blah blah..."
"Chuck it dude. He is like that. Why bitch?"
"I'm not bitching....He really did that...and I just found it totally screwed I told you..."

Yeah....we all need a villain...and let's face it. What's the harm? Life would just be so damn boring without them. After all, whom would we compare ourselves with? Whom would we look at to feel good about ourselves? Oh, and a rider....this "villain" doesn't have to be someone else....very often, it's your own self....happens with me all the could be a facet, or the past.....or the voice within.....


"What's happening?"
"That's the problem, isn't it?"
"It always is..."

How true....