Thursday, July 21, 2005

In Mars We Trust - VII

Now, I swear to you that this really happened......this girl (an IIM student) was asked at her initiation what qualities she looked for in her man...and first off she said he needed to be at least 6 feet tall....now, that's perfectly fine of course....I mean, even though I am only around 4'1", I can say honestly that I see nothing wrong with that....except that she's probably only 5'0" (with stilettos) herself!!! I guess a step-ladder might be in order as a marriage gift.....

Now, if you're sensible, which by default of course means that you are male, you will see the absolute stupidity of this......but mention this to any woman as a joke, and chances are she'll either just try to murder you with her looks or pull out that scythe that most women carry hidden in their mouths all the time. I'd bet on the latter, but you never know....you may be one of the unluckier ones.....

Either way, you'd have learnt the hard way, a lesson that I am teaching you in this one....that women are not just silly and impractical and unreasonable....they are also absolutely cock-eyed in their expectations of what their men should do for them....

Let's go back to the first known instance of these things. If my old pal Hans C. Anderson is to be believed, a few years ago, women expected their men to ride horses up glass hills in order to be eligible to marry them! Now, what kind of absolute whackjob would want that? I mean, how many times in her life is a woman going to have any use for a man who can climb up glass hills? Dashed stupid if you ask me (Yes, that's a Wooster line). Compounded of course, by the fact that even if the need ever did arise for someone to ride up a glass hill in order to save her life (yeah, seems unlikely, but bear with me. The women raise the "what if" too damned often...), one asks oneself if she wouldn't have been better off by merely buying the horse instead!!!!!!!

Which leads very neatly onto the next thing. Should we really wish that women demanded less from our modes of transport? (After all, my car can't go up even a silly hillock, forget a glass hill!!!) And the answer surprisingly is NO!!!! Because it appears that their demands from men are far worse!!!

"He should be able to die for me..."
"He should be willing to sacrifice his right arm for me..." etc etc.....

Now, the first scenario seems ghastly, at first look doesn't it? I mean, think about it, you're standing at the edge of this cliff and the girl's father is running behind the two of you with a rifle...the options are:

1. Jump together (a la the Hindi movies)
2. She jumps and you escape in the resulting confusion, misery and police jeeps-induced roadkill fest...
3. You jump and she returns to the arms of daddy dearest

You bet she'll expect you to choose the third alternative....you can also bet that she'll shed a gallon of tears the night before her wedding on the shoulder of your best friend before she proceeds to marry your boss (crocodile-hide shoes anyone? :-) ).....and then proceed to live happily ever after of course....but this is straying from the point. Which is, that as horrible as this scenario may sound, it is the other one that terrifies me more!!!

Like, what kind of person expects you to cut off your arm for her???? Would she have any use for you after that? Not much really, unless she's a ringmaster....in which case, she's not apt to be inclined to hitching up with her travelling freak show's biggest draw.....but once again, that's straying from the course we had set at the beginning.

I'd hate to have a woman come to me holding in her left arm, a ghastly right arm, while her right sleeve hung by her side. Even if it was someone just playing a joke like that on me, it would have me shivering in my sleep for at least the next five minutes. But do these women think that way? Oh no, you bet they don't!!! They probably had the mantlepiece measured out even before they knew you...and you can now decide for yourself why women maintain those dug up backyards.......even in apartment houses.....c'mon did you really believe they were for cats?

Finale: If you really want to know what women can make men into, think about Spode. He was actually, in his own words, "willing to tear himself into little bits, if it made Madeline happy." Now, if this doesn't tell you about Madeline's character, nothing ever will....

Although one must remember mates, that at times we do have exactly this irrationality of women to thank.....I shall never forget that look of total exasperation on the face of this parent (all parents seem to have the same expression when they see me), as he remarked:

"I can't figure out WHY...I mean WHY does she actually seem to like going out with you???? What in God's name does she see in anyone as revoltingly offensive as you???? Why can't she be sensible for a change?????"

Ummmm....that's why I prefer women dumb :-) Remember dudes, if women judged men the way most men judge women, we'd spend our entire lives inside gyms trying to look like what the women wanted us to look like.....while they waited for us in the pubs growing beer bellies......

12 comments:

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Anonymous said...

lol!
u r blissfully unaware abt the way women judge men ;) ...it usually doesn't leave the sorority circles...thaz why!

Susie Derkins

Anonymous said...

:))

hehe

no comments =))

bbye

nidhi

Fursat said...

that was hillarious...that gal must be in dreams...these kinda man exists only in movies or dreams...

but she demanded more i guess....

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Anz: Sure....thanks...

@Susie.....Hmmm....sorority circles.....how about some insider info? ;-)

@nidhi: :-)

@neetie: Hmmm......you mean men that are 6' tall? ;-)

The Man Who Wasnt There said...

still chuckling...and no I am not 6'feet tall either...

"Remember dudes, if women judged men the way most men judge women, we'd spend our entire lives inside gyms trying to look like what the women wanted us to look like.....while they waited for us in the pubs growing beer bellies......"

Very very perceptive!;);)

Anonymous said...

My gawd! Much Ado about Nothing.That's all she wanted and you make so much noise about it! Check out my list then:

• Tall (of course)
• Preferably dark... wheatish types... don’t want extremes you see
• Handsome (the usual, obvious ones)
• Should be able to ignore my nail-biting, hair-chewing habits
• Shouldn’t mind my sloppy table manners and chewing noises
• Should know exactly how many stalks of which flower to gift me on the hazaar occasions he’s supposed to get me flowers on
• Should enjoy listening to BSB, Britney Spears and Anu Malik/Bappi Lahiri songs with me.
• Should never refuse to see a Govinda/Salman Khan movie with me (no, not even if it’s the 23rd time!)
• And of course, he shouldn’t mind if at a party or a pub, other guys hit on me
• Should not hit on other women when with me. (yes, looking classifies as a come-on too)
There’s more... actually a rather long list. These are just the principal ones... I mean, you know, its like... I just cannnn’t do without these. Like, you know I would dieeee without these... And the rest, big car, big house(s) etc... I mean that’s kinda obvious, isn’t it?

Get back to me if you figure out who I am and I will be glad to give you a more comprehensive list. Give the poor babe a break!

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Girish: Thanx. I am sure then that you will get the line below then..... ;-)

@anon: *Sigh* Women......

"Can yuo tell a green field,
From a cold steel rail?
An anon from a name?
Do you think you can tell"

Neha said...

Now come on! You really cudnt think tht women actually want tht arm cud u? :P tth wud b grosse ;)

as far as being tall goes.. well tht is probably one of the many notions ppl hv in their head.. but then they actually meet someone they like i dont think it matters how tall or short or fair or dark they r :)

and really i don't think women really expect too much ..just some basic elemental things most of the times ..but sensible smart guys can't even get tht :P

Uncover Japan said...

As for the women who like tall men thing, not sure what that's about. Perhaps its a protection thing...

Jasmine said...

Nice Post.I especially loved the last bit.Beer bellies!!!?? Lol.

Darth Midnightmare said...

@jasmine: lol. Well, the way things are, that is exactly what I believe things would be like in the scenario that I described :-)