Wednesday, October 19, 2005

In Mars We Trust - VIII

Yes indeedy, it's that time of the year again. Of course you may argue that with me, and most men for that matter "that time of the year" as I chose to put it, comes more than just once a year, so perhaps the phrase is a bit less than appropriate, but then again, there's little that I can do considering that unlike my previous avatar, in this life, owing to the silly laws of our land, I am unable to have in my employ, that gem among men, Jeeves. Yes, it is indeed sad that the gentleman's gentleman is no more a feature of our humble abodes. I must say that the worst of it of course has been the fact that I have had to learn how to put on my own spats and tie my laces. On the pro side of course there is the fact that he would have been quite likely to object to my hair which are currently a quite pleasing shade of green with a dash of purple thrown in...

In any case, I don't quite know whether I should do this. You see, this is the point of the post where I begin to wonder whether I should give a quick recap for those poor coves who're reading about Mars for the first time or just get straight into it, assuming that everyon knows the background. The latter course of action runs the risk of people raising questions like, "Eh? You mean the little green things?" while of course, the former might end up having the regulars remarking in a piqued manner, "Get on with it old man. Stop wasting my time and let me get back to my coding job.." Well, to keep both camps happy, I'll cut the drivel here and if you do want any background, you can get it by clicking here.

Well, with that, let me get to the nub of this eighth (ninth if count the appendix of the first one) installment of my Mars series... This one is more an appeal for help actually than a real post, but anyway...

Me: Hey, how’s it going? You’re looking good…really nice. I like that new hair-do.

She: Yeah? Thannnnnnk youuuuuu!

Me: And how’re things on ‘that’ front?

She: Don’t even mention that. I hate all men!!!

Me: Uh… Aah! OK. Care to tell me why? Coz just yesterday you were extolling his virtues and how nice he was and all that stuff!!!

She: I don’t know. I mean, he’s so infuriatingly stupid!! I don’t think anything will ever come of this. How can it when the guy acts like he has absolutely no brains at all? And mind you, that’s not all. He also behaves as if he’s damn blind!!!

Me: Oh! That’s strange. I mean, I could have sworn he was going to ask you out yesterday. It kind of looked like that you know…

She: Yeah, he did. Came up and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner…

Me: OK, so he did ask you out, see? Then what’s the problem? How was the dinner? Where’d he take you?

She: Huh? Dinner? Oh no, we didn’t go anywhere. I told him I couldn’t make it…

Me: You did what? Jeez, you must be crazier than I thought or else I’m daft. I mean, you say you like this chap, he finally asks you out and you declined? And you say he’s stupid?

She: Nooooo!!!! Don’t behave like an idiot now! Of course I turned him down. I don’t want to look like I like him or anything right now obviously. He shouldn’t get the idea that I like him or anything!

Me: Eh? Am I missing something here? Isn’t that the very idea here? I mean, how can you say that nothing will come of this and blame him for that when you’re the one that behaves like a dolt?

She: You’re stupid. You’ll never understand so just forget it ok?

Me: Umm… OK…if you say so. But at least tell me the logic behind this. I may not buy it or understand it, but at least tell me! I swear I will not question it…

She: OK. See, I want him to take the initiative. You know, like, organize something. Ask me out again a couple of times. Then I can go without it looking that I am the one that wants to go…

Me: Hmmm…I do hope you realize that he’s the kind that hates having his emotions known in these matters…

She: Yeah! Of course I know. That’s exactly why I want him to take the initiative!!

All right. Now, someone (Women, this is an appeal to you!!), please, please, please, PLEASE explain this one to me. Why do women behave like this? This particular incident happened around seven years ago, but I really don’t think things have changed one bit since then… I really have lost count of the number of times I have seen this scene repeated. A bit sad :-(

Dimitri (He’s a guy): Hey K, I wanted to ask you something.

K (She’s a girl): Yeah, tell me…

D: Is it true that when women say “no” they mean a “yes”?

K: Of course not. That is such crap. I hate guys who think that way. I mean, it is so demeaning. Why would a woman say “no” if she wanted to say “yes”?

D: OK, so you’re saying that when a woman says “no”, she means “no”, because otherwise she’d say a “yes” if she wanted to agree? Is that it? I mean, it’s normal? Like with guys?

K: D-uh! Yeah! I mean of course there are times when a girl may say “no” even when she wants to say “yes” but that can be easily understood because she will say it in a particular way and you can understand that by the qualifiers that will qualify the statement.

Me: Uh? Like, (a) aren’t qualifiers meant to qualify? And (b) So now you’re saying that women do say “no” when they mean “yes” but that can be understood, although women don’t say “no” when they want to agree, which is where you started off. So, what’s a yes and what’s a no and if that’s not clear, what on Earth is a “maybe”?

K: OK, look, lemme put it this way for you dolts. If a girl says “yes”, it probably means she agrees, although it could also mean that she’s just not able to think up an excuse to refuse right now and will immediately refuse once she comes up with one. When a girl says “no”, it may mean “no” or it could mean that she wants you to try harder and that she actually wants to say “yes” but doesn’t want to seem ‘easy’. And if she says “maybe”, then it definitely means a “no”, except that she may want to tease you a bit and may be saying that to torment you…in which case you’ll have to try again and see what happens.

Me: Eh? But just how do I know which “no” or “maybe” she means if there are no qualifiers?

She: Then you just have to keep trying until you find out…

*Sigh*. These are actually the moments that make me wonder whether even that great brain of Jeeves, bulging as it was with all the fish he ate, would have been able to make any sense of this seeming drivel. There does however remain that little cloud on the silver lining, or have I got that wrong? Anyway, my cousin R, (not to be confused with the one in Mars IV who is as unreasonable a woman as was ever known to Mars) very kindly volunteered a few years back to help me get things clear and that did quite a bit to convince me that Salvation was nigh. And nigh it still is, I must say, for there have been several things she has told me which have given me the niggling feeling that the day I decipher what she says, men like me shall attain the Nirvana that we seek; and no, I do not mean the one that had Kurt No-brain singing for it. But, Venusian (is that correct?) is not proving too easy to decipher quite frankly though I assure you that the day I crack the code, you my dear readers shall be the first to know... I've come to this thing she told me once which I think is the crucial piece in the interpretation jigsaw...

Cousin R: Look, I’m telling you what you should do. The next time you meet, don’t be too eager, but don’t be cold. You know, just play it right. It’ll have been a long time right? So just behave as if you couldn’t care less about her being there, but don’t be cold. As in, be charming and all with her, but don’t let her feel that you like her being there. At the same time make her feel like you’re happy that she’s there, you know…

It’s been years… I am still trying to work this one out. Susie Derkins!!! Help!!!

*Sigh* Women…

8 comments:

abhinav said...

hoo haa ! mikey , funny and insightful as ever.but u better ask the cops for some security.the mahila mukti morcha ladies have a branch in lucknow , and they may be moving towards you.

Anonymous said...

mike ol' boy...u need to take an advanced course in animal behaviour...
look at the mating rituals of apes...
teh human cultural dynamic isn't much different...
it's the song/dance/chest-thumping/whatever of the male that starts the ritual...
he risks making a fool of himself...n she just needs to choose in the end...
call it ritual humiliation :)
guys better accept the deal...or risk reverse evolution :)

the key to surviving is to understand the subtle non-verbal cues...
'no', 'maybe' n 'yes' don't matter

oh n yeah...the other day...
this colleague of mine accused me of being a snob coz i often lunch alone...
so i pointed to another girl eating alone n asked 'is she a snob?'...
n he says 'well...guess she's just a private person'
!!!
n u say *women* don't make sense!!

Susie

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Abhinav: Thank you :-). Have taken your advice. Cover has been applied for, although of course, the way things are, I don't know who to fear more...the women or the cops!!!!

@Susie D: :-(. See? That's exactly what I mean... We males seem to exist solely for women to humiliate us... I mean, come on, cut us some slack here. At least let us know at the outset whether we will at least have something to show for the humiliation at the end of the day!!!!!

And yes, I know, maybe, what women mean when they say "no", although I must say that this 'yes' of mine may be provoled by this very understandable urge to not look too ignorant ;-). How about that for a qualifier? ;-) Does it qualify???

As for that colleague of yous, come on, are you telling me that one as smart as you didn't get that one? Hey, you're kidding me, right??? That is soooo obvious!! :-) And in my next one, I may actually clarify that one...if you so desire that is :-)

Anonymous said...

huh?...what's sooo obvious?...u've cornered me by saying 'someone as smart as u...'...u used a classic female tactic! gosh! teh womaniser is womanised!! :D:D...yes, i do desire it monsieur...clarify please...err...actually, no...maybe i don't ;)

Susie

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Susie D: :-)) Awww come on... I wanna explain now :-). Hey, this gives me a Mars - 9 opportunity :-). After all, isn't the "well..." enough? Or perhaps some thought is needed coz u hadn't thought of that before Wow! That's remarkably subtle ;-)

As for womaniser, how I wish... *sigh* ... And womanised? C'mon... In Mars I Trust y'know... :-)

karuna said...

oook... i've frequently been told in not a 'normal' chick so i dunno how much i'll get covered but let me give this a shot.
When they say no either they are
1. Unsure: they say it vaguly... sometimes consent sometimes say no. Mixed signals basically.
2. Testing you: Playful, Know you like them and seem a little upset when you don't beg. Basically mean and not worth it.
3. Actually mean it: Seem uncomfortable, turn to other people for help (i.e. doesnt really talk long, hang out alone)
4. Yes: the most perplexing, if its something un-womanly that they shudnt do but want to (rules society and guys have made), persist and it should prove fruitful.
I agree with susie. Judge based on tone and body language. We drop hints, clearly, try pick up on them.
As for yr friend who turned down a date when she clearly likes the guy
!?!?!?
thats not women its just her.

Zarine said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Mike...poor dear ol' Mike :))

Take my word...dont fall for Yes or No..say/do wht u want to..zyada se zyada kya hoga..tight slap? Learn Karate for self defence then :))

And dont try to *understand* women...take one woman at a time :P.

K said...

Hey Muks...

Quite an interesting read... wonder where u got the inspiration for this from!!! ;)

Won't argue ur viewpoint... u are absolutely correct.. I wonder if we women ourselves understand why we do or say some things that we do.... so i can understand the plight of men trying to gain a foothold of understanding... My advice... same as lots of others have told you... Give up!!! Quit trying to understand and make sense out of the unknown... or on the other hand u can devote ur life to this great task at which mankind has yet to succeed!

I wud sooo love to get a counter 'On Venus we live' article out :) Post several conversations and shattered illusions abt the so called intelligent male...i guess i've had to conclude or atleat reach smwhr close to it that men indeed are from Mars and have a complete different but uniform set of rules applying to their behaviour universally...

Someday I shall........

Until then i choose to amuse myself with ur attempts at understanding women... Just goes to prove that Mars completely revolves around Venus....

Ouch...have to apply for my security cover now ... but then the Mumbai police are from Mars as well and have proved to be very notorious...soooooo...if u dnt hear frm me.....Ciao :)