Thursday, December 08, 2005

A Man's Journey Through HelL - III

Read a comment by Leon on the previous one. No, this is not a serious commentary on the profs. This is just a humourous, extremely twisted and quite exaggerated look at the way things went. No point talking about the rigour surely :-)

Anyway, we return to the scene of the tragedies of life and dreams…the next term…

Relatively speaking…

He’d noticed a very interesting phenomenon. Perhaps it was the water, but for some reason, the women seemed to be looking so much better than they had when the course had started…hmmm…could it really be that they had all gone in for plastic surgery? And then the answer hit him…it was relativity in action!!!! After all, what was his basis for comparison? The cupboard in his room?

And this, my friends, is what is called “Mike’s Theory of Relativity as Applied to Women on a Campus” (Please note, this was born during Engg and has little to do with the quality of the women of my batch...although I must say that a batch here or there and it holds true...):

The lack of any real quality benchmark to compare with, makes every member of the female species grow more and more beautiful to the other inmates (yes, pun intended) of the campus as the terms pass by. This process is not impeded by any of Nature's forces until the guys encounter something that looks like the cupboard in their room.

He was seeing dwarves these days. They were everywhere. They didn’t even know they were dwarves (Yeah, borrowed from Sixth Sense ;-) )! Tall ones, short ones, all kinds of them… Then again, where there was Snow White, the dwarves were bound to be too. As that rhyme went, “And everywhere that Snow White went, the dwarves were sure to go”. Oh yes, they were everywhere, but that is where the similarities ended. For some reason you see, these dwarves had a bit more on their mind than the ones you’re likely to have encountered so far…

Like this well-placed (pun fully intended) dwarf, whom we shall call Lanky, coz of his height (Yeah! I know, dwarves are supposed to be short, but this is something else ;-) ). Well anyway, this one day Lanky finishes lunch and decides to walk up and down the mess, looking towards the door throughout…hmmm…why would anyone do something as crazy as this? Ah, Lanky’s leaving, maybe he was just waiting for the auspicious time or something…there he goes now and lights up his cigarette. Hello, why’s he extinguishing it? Huh? He’s returning to the mess? He’s taking a plate and serving himself another lunch??? Oh, OK, now we get it…you’re a dwarf…get the picture?

Yes, indeed, these are the managers of the future ladies and gentlemen. Be afraid. Be very afraid ;-). There were other instances too. Like the guy (not a dwarf) who decided that sharing a common surname gave him the head-start in the race. So, we were treated to the sight of seeing him running to the library every evening in the hope of sharing a study-table with the object of his affections…..the depths people plumb did you say?

Of course, there was the day that Sleeping Beauty (wasn’t there a dwarf called Dopey? I think that term is more than appropriate given Dopey’s other “habits” on campus ;-) ) stayed awake through three of the most boring lectures imaginable. Yes, it’s a strange thing, this…

What what what what….what should we call this?

Not that classes were devoid of fun either. Let’s start with our favourite subject, Fin of course. Let’s call the prof, Mr. 47, because each session started with a firing of questions at the students like bullets from an AK-47 for about half the session. Howcome all the nuts end up teaching Fin??? You need to have a special talent to confuse the students to such an extent.

Let’s revisit the time he conducted a quiz in the class and ran out of question papers with four students left out due to a comic goof-up in printing the papers…He stood, hands on hips (arms akimbo?), lips pursed together, eyes glinting like stony beads and then uttered the immortal line, “Ab aap ka kya hoga??” Well, a joke’s a joke and this one would have been quite funny had it been one, but he really stretched it more than just a bit thin when he turned around and shouted to the class, “Your time starts now”. Help!!!

Another classic was the statement he used to make in every lecture. “Aap ke pass Textbook hai, polycopy hai, webpage hai, shareable folder hai. Aur kya chahiye aapko??? (How about a prof who can teach, for a change???). [Polycopy = a book distributed to the students consisting of a set of articles, cases and problems selected by the prof from an assortment of texts and papers, whether their own or from elsewhere]

But perhaps the best example of his intellect, not to mention his hearing, was actually a situation enacted in the other section…

Prof: how many types of WIP are there??
S1: Errr..2?
S2: Ummm…three?
That’s when the prof catches one guy who had no clue about the answer. (Just like the rest ;-) )
Student: (mumbling) Sir, err… none
Prof: Right my boy, ONE.

And now, we reach our favourite prof of this term. A person from the East who taught us the not-so-fine points of Quantitative Analysis for Management. This was another mystery really. I mean, how on Earth all this Quant will ever help us at any point in our lives is quite beyond my comprehension, but hey, who gave me a choice???

“What what what what what? You don’t know the formula for mean? How many of you have brought polycopy? How how how how? (Does this sound like our four-legged friends in full cry?) This, this is there in polycopy…open, open polycopy. I will not write this. It is there, it is there, share, share polycopy if you want. I will not write.”

Boy oh boy, was this term going to be tough or what? The subjects and assignments came down on the class like a ton of BRICKS!

Yes, we are talking about the Work Organisations lecture now…and the prof who was better known as PITAmaha! Coz he most definitely was a PITA….and to be classified as a PITA with competitors of the calibre of his colleagues, he really had to be mahaan. He did his very best to make one of the most boring and futile subjects even more boring and futile by giving the most senseless and pointless assignments and an even more ridiculous project than I would expect from a woman from my Mars posts!!!

There were also attempts made to change, or rather “enhance” the vocabulary of the students. “I don’t want the English meaning of technology, nor the Engineering one. I want the DWO meaning of the word. Now you are managers, you ought to know these things. Arre, you don’t know what technology means? Boy oh boy, that could spell trouble for you my friend…because the next time you don’t read the text-book before attending class, I will come down on you like a ton of BRICKS!!!”

Why does anyone want to go to Agra? Pile on to Lucknow, people. This is where the action is! Rather expensive of course, but true value for money. Term-II somehow was more like Engineering College revisited. Specially in the lectures taken by a particular adjunct faculty. After all, where else would you find 10 people sitting in a class where 64 have been marked present? Of course, they were caught on two occasions, but that was only to be expected perhaps…..can’t expect 5 to proxy for 64. These Commerce people will just never learn to do it right… (Yeah, the pun is intended again)...

There was also the amazing incident when a certain smartass thought he could sleep bang in front of the prof of the brickyard fame…

Prof: My friend.
(No response)
Prof: My FRIend!
(Still no response)
Prof: MY FRIEND!
S: (Eyes open now and thanking his stars he woke up just before the prof called on him) Yes sir.
Prof: Do you agree?
S: Yes sir!
Prof: With what?
S: Oops!

This was me in case any of you is wondering and trust me, it did nothing to ease my embarrassment to know that all the prof had done was take the attendance before he walked up to me and enacted this :-( (I prefer calling him a sadist for pulling this fast on me than blame myself for falling for it. I was sleeping damnit!!! So don't you dare laugh at me!!!)…

OK...incident concerning the dwarf who sat next to me:

Me: Dude, pass me the Economist...
D7: No. I am gonna read it...
Me: C'mon...you're taking notes. I need something to keep me awake...
D7: No! I don't give it to anyone..
Person X turning around (shall not name ;-) ): D7, pass me something to read please...
D7: I only have "The Economist"
X: Cool! Pass it...
D7: Here...

*Sigh*...the depths people sink to...

9 comments:

DJK said...

“And everywhere that Snow White went, the dwarves were sure to go”

Wasn't that Mary & The Little Lamb ? :D

Ellie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Darth Midnightmare said...

@DJK: Well, I thought I'd slip that one in...kinda seemed appropriate you know...after all, there wasn't a SW line I could come up with...so popped in "the next best thing"...creativity does involve some plagiarism at times I believe ;-)

@Ellie: Err...nope, no names to be taken mademoiselle and the answer is no anyway. I request you to observe the rules. NO NAMES!!! :@

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Ellie: Sorry about that. But honestly, I can't risk that... Once more, people, no names please... mail me if there is anything you really want to know or somthing

uninterrupted said...

Yes, Agra does seem pale by comparison! But then again, I don't see IIM-L handing out any free blankets in return for hiring your faculty! ;)

Docs Dope said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Suds said...

Hey man real good posts. Read all three together today..:) Was laughing for a while.. Enjoy..

Jonas said...

LOL..good ones, Mike!..right from 'debit-credit' to the 'Sleeping Beauty'! :D

But wish you hadnt inserted the disclaimer at the top of this post...robs a bit of the charm somehow! ;)

nomadic_waves said...

Well...ur write-up made for a nice read...plan to keep haunting this space for more...