Loveliest of Them All

I saw her again last night. She appeared beside me as I lay on my back....she was even more resplendent than before, though I confess that this impression may have been caused by my flying higher than is the norm. She, or Sea as I call her (or C if you will have it that way) is my muse.....the one that has inspired a million thoughts and filled me with a rage of passion far greater than any force I have come across and done so more times than I care to count.....and so, these words are for her.... They're raw, for I don't care to edit them....they're written as they entered my mind and I don't want anything to change them.

I know that no words would ever suffice to capture the sublime bliss I felt when she responded to my reaching my hand out to her. Yet, all I can do is to humbly submit these to her. Someday, I hope she will be kind enough to show me her true face in all its serene beauty....

Clouds, mists and fragrant waves,
Over dew-soaked hills and plains,
Bring to me the message-bearing air,
Like the softly treading morning

Of dreams and words and whispered names,
And myriad faces that in tranquil lay,
The softest footfall never betrayed,
This epic that even time forgave

Bloodied shards fall into place,
Words in the wind beseech to wait,
The vision seen last in the cave,
Now bathed in life and so awake

At dawn she left in shimmering haze,
Alone I ponder through the day,
By myself with my only friend,
One I know but no more by face

Voices hanging in the past,
Piercing now they're coming back,
I see them in my looking-glass,
And surrender to their loving attacks

Will there be once again that hand?
Once again the touch that soothed my mind,
Being and thoughts mate in virgin night,
She stands right there by my side

The rivers still flow where she walked,
Her words that gave shape to free thought,
Once again I behold that changing form,
Prepare to ride another storm

Sheltered in warm welcoming arms,
A newborn curled in wonderment,
Gazing deep into eyes that gave,
My words a shape and heart a rage

Sinking

Who is that, if not the same as you?
Every little thing that you wouldn’t do,
For every moment in time that seemed lost,
Every drifting life that you thought was yours,
Keep it all pent-up inside,
For you never know which one will die,
Leaving for the place that you left,
Returning to destination nowhere,
Feeling the numbness of death
Was this all that was to be found?
Or is it the beginning of it all

Throw it all right back now,
Keeping only guilt for the new dawn,
Why feel that you missed the point?
When everything was so clearly a joy
Someday you too will awake,
That day when the dawn won’t break,
When the fishbowl crashes to the floor,
Know that the life of the goldfish is yours,
Breathe in the emptiest full space,
Exhale into the world you create

Crowning an emperor unknown,
Unable to see what was his own,
Trying to read what you’re not meant to know,
I’m confusing your thoughts with my overload,
Trying to break through the veil you made,
Words choke your voice and tears turn to hate,
Wanting to need or needing to want,
Possession was all; now there’s no more a demand
Feed me; my hunger you’ll never satiate,
Kill me; or pay for the unpaid debt of hate

Incited by the roads unlit but patrolled,
Drawn on like the moth to a flame untrue,
Darkness left as to the unknown you beckoned,
True light is a lie, for a metaphor it’s always been,
Heat strikes; lie dies, the curtain’s fallen now,
Walk back too long, forward is lost,
Hold me, you screamed when despair, it had struck,
Teach me now, what you saw in my eyes
Rolling a hope and puffing the dream,
Waiting to see if that’s all in my realm....

I, Me and Myself

"It's all about you for you...and all about me for me..."

"That's such a selfish way of looking at things..."

"Maybe, but it's the only real way you know..."

"What makes you say that? I've seen you go out of your way to help people. What was that? Was that also about you? Of course it wasn't....it was about feelings...it was about selflessness....about the desire to do good.....life's about that....it's not just about ourselves..."

"That's so untrue. At the end of the day, life being about me for me, doesn't mean that you don't matter. But why do I go out of my way to help you and not that little kid living in the garbage bin? Why do I think up reasons justifying my behaviour in allowing him to live in squalour, while the slightest inconvenience to you would have me trying to help you in removing it? Isn't that because of the way I want to feel about myself? That is 'selfish' too, don't you see? All of us do things for ourselves at the end of the day.....it's really not about someone else."

"Ever wondered about why your parents cared for you? Ever looked at a couple and thought that way? Ever thought of all those social workers* who go into areas so horrendous that you and I shudder at the thught of them? Ever marvelled at those who work with people like lepers? What about them? Working for a pittance.....or for nothing.....giving so unconditionally?"

"Sure.....ever asked them why they do it? The answer, more often than not is, 'self-satisfaction'. So, what's that? Feeling good about yourself, when all is said and done. That feeling could come from knowing that you helped your closest friend or a destitute you never saw...it doesn't matter where it comes from. As for parents, the joy of parenting, the pride in their children, the knowledge of having their heirs is what drives them......and caring is not just a joy for them....it's a responsibility......it's not a service they render**. So, what's left? The same thing that you call selfishness.....the happiness about oneself.....because ultimately, all our actions are driven by the desire to achieve that, which we believe will make us happy."

"So, you don't think there's anything good in what these people do? There's nothing to admire in them? Nothing to appreciate? Goddamn, you have to be the biggest cynic and the most selfish and unthinking bastard I have ever met.....you're reprehensible. How in God's name can you not appreciate those people and their efforts?"

"I do appreciate them. I do admire what they do. As a matter of fact, I think they are in a way better than us, for their happiness comes from things that are removed from their own physical beings. Yet, unlike you, I do not credit this to 'selflessness'. I realise that they only do this because they derive happiness from these tasks. If these tasks did not make them happy, they'd stop as well.....and that is exactly what I am driving at. If tomorrow, you suddenly feel that your life is incomplete if you can't help that urchin, you'd do it too....so would I.....but that would still not make us any less selfish in the purest sense of the word...."

"I still don't buy that..."

"Who cares? Like I said, it's all about me for me....and all about you for you...."

PS: * I believe Shabana (Aadmi) Azmi and all the members of her clique are a bunch of hypocritical losers who shuld be shot. The real workers - the ones I speak of - are rarely seen and never heard.

* As per my mom, a child owes nothing to the parents for bringing him/her up, as the parents didn't ask the child before having one....it's their responsibility to bring up a child once they have one; a duty and not a service.

Free Prisoners Of Chance

Billowing clouds of acrid smoke,
Rise from fingers ashen as the Earth,
Enclosed within open fields,
Waiting to see what can't be seen,

Forests, winds and stormy lair,
Hiding beneath what's truly there,
With the sight of third remorseless eye,
Came the sight of a world fading

Clawing away at stony walls,
Adding to lines the eyes now see,
Glimpses of the night before,
Inviting the hand to try once more

Arrogance of humble mask,
Eyes showing still a lingering fear,
The holes won’t close; they never could,
Widening with every passing year

If winning were eternal vice,
Would you kill the desire?
Would a wall threatening to fall,
Pull me deeper into the mire?

Wilful striking down of the other,
Not a thought of self-deceit,
Sight gnawing, trying to break free,
Building a chained fraternity

Still as sightless as at the start,
Still seeking me out for who you are,
Could chasing ever reach the tail,
Every move forever pulls away

Enchanting me, eluding me,
Freeing me to chained captivity,
Draping the view to the lonely truth,
Smiling within at your misery

Blinded By My Eyes

"I'm paranoid that some day I'll find that I am one too."
"Naah! I don't see that happening."
"Hope not man, I wouldn't be able to live with myself...it'd screw me up...."

Sometimes the worst fears we have are self-fulfilling prophecies. Perhaps it's beacuse we refuse to face them....or maybe it's because we spend most of out lives running away from them. It's natural I guess.....after all, what do you do when a man-eater sets on your trail....provided that you're not a hunter carrying a 12-bore.....

"No one screws you up.....We're the only ones that screw up our lives....we're the only ones capable of having that effect..."

Changes a lot of things when you look at them that way, doesn't it? After all, it suddenly removes your ability to blame pointy-haired bosses, God and even the milkman.... Hell, it just sent every existing crutch flying straight out of the window..... But, how easy is it to live with this philosophy? Don't we all need a crutch at some or the other? Having to blame yourself isn't the most appealing prospect....nor is it one that comforts you when you need comforting....

"Ever wondered if you're the one that's wrong?"
"Yeah, scary huh? But then, I don't have firm views on anything, so I guess that prevents my falling into the category of those whose beliefs are wrong."
"Is that a firm view?"
"Of course......oh......ok, wait..."

Yeah, most of the time you're so busy finding stuff to back your own theories, you completely miss the point. After all, who can think like a moron? And a moron is exactly what he who disagrees with you is, right? Why else do you try tio "talk sense into him"?

On a more serious note, will someone please explain to me why female singles are permitted into discs and stags are not? If we're so damned committed to this equality of the sexes thing, well, how equal is this?????

Random Conversations in MPD

"I'm sure this is the best way you know. It's the right thing and it's bound to work out correctly.....as per the plan. It's a no-brainer almost."

"Hmmm...I think the no-brainer is you actually. I see absolutely no way this thing is ever going to work out the way you want it to. It's silly to think about it actually.....pointless. You've refused to see every damn obstruction and when I point them out to you, you choose to just ignore them....you brush them off and behave as if they're inconsequential. Things don't work that way..."

"Oh, shut up! You're the one that always screws up everything. Who in Hell's name are you to advise me? You think I'm silly? Go on, tell me what happened the last time I told you to do something and you stopped because of all those stupid obstructions you saw? What happened after that? You're just playing the role of a wimp right now. Know what the problem is with you? You're too damn scared. That's all there is to it....the shell, the damned show, the lies, the self-deception....it all boils down to the fear...."

"Fair enough. So I over-estimated once or maybe, and I'll grant you this, I was late in reacting. I may even have made a misjudgment! But the fact remains that at no point was I illogical. Nor was I rash and stupid. I did what I considered was the most logical thing to do at that time....and I stand by my view that it was correct. I see no reason why one event should change anything at all...and as for fear, go to Hell.....I'm not afraid....not of you....and not of myself...."

"Well, in that case, why are you in this shape now? Remember when it was me? We were happier then, weren't we? Now all you do is impose yourself and make both of us miserable. Look back and face facts.....that was the right way and it still is. You've made a royal hash of things, but it's not irredeemable yet. There's time......turn back......trust me..."

"Trust? You? You've got to be kidding me. All you did was to get us into trouble. It's just that the way we were then, it didn't matter to either of us....the thoughts were nothing like they are now, nor were the costs of our actions.....and look at the biggest thing that happened. Was that you or me? That was me.....not you......not your irreverant way of treating things, your blind optimism....your misplaced faith...."

"It would have happened much before if it was me you know....I know you keep saying that it would not have happened at all if it had been me and I know that you also say that even if it had happened, it would have not been anywhere close to as good as it was. But the fact is that you say these things solely because you're a damned cynic. A cynic who will always keep hiding behind that cloak of "logic", which you use to hide your fear away..."

"Bullshit! You're an optimist? Fair enough.....but you're also the biggest cynic I have ever met! I'm a realist. I see what bad things can happen....very true.....I look at every situation with a view to determining what could possibly go wrong and yes, I do attach more importance to weighing the potential loss.....but I still feel bad when something bad happens, whether to me or someone else......it hurts me. Not you...... You delight in the events when something bad that you foresaw actually happens. You have the 'I told you so' stance then......I, on the other hand, feel bad about the fact that it happened, that I wasn't wrong and that I couldn't do a damn thing to stop the event happening....inspite of knowing....."

"You'll never be happy you know.....you're too scared.....too logical......try waking up to the fact that at times you should just let go......flow with it....allow yourself to be carried away by what you feel like doing...."

"You'll never get it.....logic is everywhere...in everything......you just have to get it right, that's all....the interpretation I mean.....and that's why you'll always be in trouble......you will never see the right path, because you're blind....

And you know what will happen if I do what you're saying? It'll screw up everything even more......not that it seems like there is anything much left, to be honest. But your ideas will ruin everything we have!!!! Can't you see reason? It's numbing to think that you have absolutely no idea what your scheme and idea entails!!!"

"You're a scared cynic"

"No.....you're just blind and stupid..."

I guess I just must myself.....

Kindling Hope

"I guess I'm just an asshole man"
"What makes you say that?"
"Just. I know it. Should let go.....but can't. In a way, I don't know what I'm doing"
"Huh? I think you know exactly what you're doing..."
"No. I know what I should be doing....and just can't do it."

It's weird. At times you know what's best for you and yet you can't do it. Most people seem to face that. That's why people hold on to lost causes. People cling on to memories and feelings when they should learn to move on. People dream and hope when it's best to bury both and seek newer things in life......everyone does it.

I guess it's just too hard to let go for most people. Moving on means you face the past, it involves facing your failures and your miseries. It's just much easier to cling on to hope....however hopeless it may be. It's the quintessential proof of human weakness and it's one of the things that people just can never seem to do anything about. Like I said, you know what's wrong and you know how to fix it......you just don't have the balls to start.....

For a while now, I've been feeling an emptiness. A feeling that there was something missing. There were answers I didn't have, questions that seemed to have no form and life seemed to lack meaning, logic and directoin quite honestly. Thinking about it somehow made things worse at times......it does for most people....after all, that's why they say, "Ignorance is bliss". Which is quite a thought. After all, why should ignorance be bliss? After all, isn't it better to have the answers than to be swept along by the tide for a purpose you have no inkling about and with people you have no wish to be associated with?

As I pondered upon that, it seemed to me that the answer once again was that it's very difficult at times to face the truth about yourself. Once you start thinking about certain things and asking certain questions, the answers are difficult to find and even tougher to accept. But once you start down that path, you can't stop......the torment drives you on to seek more.....like a friend of mine mentioned last night, "I don't want to think.....maybe I am asking for too much....maybe I'm scared......I don't know...." It's something that's inevitable.....as long as you don't think about things, as long as you seek no truth and want no answers, you feel good about yourself and feel like you're a knowledgable person with all the answers you need to have....

Then you ask questions and suddenly realise you know nothing and the thirst is now unquenchable......thus begins the misery......the end of bliss....the false bliss caused by ignorance.

"I reached what proved to be a crisis. Everything I had lived for had ceased to satisfy......I found myself thirsting for more, much more, without knowing what or why". Reading these lines in the introduction of a book felt surreal. After all, this was sounding very, very familiar. I picked up the book (I was looking for something on the same subject anyway) and am now half-way through the book. It's on the Upanishads. At some points I have different interpretations from the author's. Luckily the book is in the form of (translated) excerpts from different Upanishads followed by the author's interpretation, so I am able to form my own interpretations too (however flawed they may be ;-) ).

The beauty is the purity of the philosophy. There is no concept of God (although the author brings God in at times in his interpretations, but I ignore that, knowing that Indian philosophy defines no "god"). There are no rules.....there is just a quest for truth. From what little I have read, I can say that these texts surpass anything that Socrates, Plato or any other Western philosopher ever imagined......

The concept of duality dissolves into nothingness.....there is no duality....the answers are simple.....realization is something that hardly anyone will achieve....but it's still nice to know that there are answers there...and there is a path to follow......or at least there are directions....must get hold of the entire texts though......the excerpts are awesome but there's the annoying thought that so much has been missed out......