Saturday, April 15, 2006

In Mars We Trust - X

It is perhaps a testament to the brain-washing capabilities of the female species that we men have believed for centuries that women look beyond the superficial when choosing their mate. Women, we believe, look for intelligence, maturity, sensitivity and at times even personality when deciding who the man of their dreams is.

Men of course, are far more reasonable and logical in their own choice-making process. Quite simply, we realize the futility of looking for intelligence, logic and accountability in women and are content to acknowledge the fact that women are essentially ornamental creatures that occasionally hold conversational value on topics such as what gifts to buy for people or of course, what footwear suits which outfit… I mean, if we were to start looking for intelligence, accountability, sensitivity, maturity and a love for sports, we’d either be lifelong virgins or gay…neither of which is a particularly appealing alternative in my opinion.

The folly of this reasoning of ours that we attribute to the woman’s reasoning process became apparent to me a while ago, but it is only recently that I was convinced that we men were quite far from the truth in assuming that women went beyond the superficial when judging men…the name of the flaw is, to put it succinctly, ‘intuition’. Yes, that very bane of a man’s existence that renders it well nigh impossible to have a logical discussion with a woman on any topic under the Sun.

Now, I dislike people who merely make claims or level accusations without laying the foundations for the same and therefore, I shall prove to you just what I mean to say, by means of a few conversations that I have been privileged enough to have been a part of with a series of my lady friends. These are the contents of course, of the Appendix to Mars – X which will follow this post…there’s too many of them to include in this one! But, just to give you a feeler of what they were like, here’s one:

Me: I really like Steffi Graf.
S: Yeah, me too. She was a virgin when she married Andre Agassi.
Me: Huh? You nuts? She had at least two publicized affairs before that and she was seeing him for ages before they married! I think she even conceived before they married!
S: NO!!! I tell you she was a virgin when she married him!
Me: Umm…and what makes you say that? Did she tell you?
S: No, but I know it…
Me: Oh, so I presume she said it on Oprah huh? Or did she say that in Time magazine or something?
S: No! I just look at her and I know it!
Me: *Sigh* OK, so it’s your ‘intuition’ thingy eh?
S: No! It’s not intuition but I just know it! And stop giving me logic!!!

Now, thinking about those conversations revealed to me after a couple of days of mulling and musing that it was highly unlikely that members of a species of this kind were capable of logical reasoning when it came to just about any decision. It seemed obvious to me that expecting logic from a woman was akin to expecting India to win this year’s football World Cup…

Further thought and logical reasoning made this an even more obvious conclusion as seen applied to real-life scenarios. Let me enlighten those of you who have not yet quite grasped the drift of what I am getting at. How many losers do you see around you who seem to have women partners? In my experience, nearly all the complete jerk-offs and twats I know seem to have an unending stream of women just dying to be with them. Prime examples include Gayonardo TheCraprio, Enrique Thegooeyass and Abhi-shake Bachchan.

So, what theory then could it possibly be that applies to women and explains their absolutely mystifyingly asinine choice in men that makes them feel that an abject loser like any of the three mentioned above would be a nice guy to be with? (I know at least fourteen women who think that AB Jr. would make a ‘nice husband’…don’t ask me what gives them that feeling…they just ‘feel’ it!)

Much musing and mulling and ho-ing and hum-ing later, I hit upon the idea that women, being the sub-25 IQ creatures that they are, could not possibly be anywhere close to as rational as men when it came to deciding which men to have in their lives (and when I say that I mean of course, as rational as men are when choosing which women to have in their lives) and trust me, my single status did not in any way influence my thinking in this regard ;-)…really, it didn’t…well, not much anyway ;-). It seemed apparent to me therefore, that women must have much more base and banal criteria for judging men and their suitability!

I decided therefore to test this hypothesis of mine and indulged in conversations with a few of the women I happen to know. Suffice to say that each of these conversations bore out the irrefutable truth and proved correct my hypothesis that women were as illogical, irrational and asinine in their choice of men as they are in all other fields of life! Let’s face it, any creature that believes a ‘first-date anniversary’ is more important than a live football game is utterly hopeless and completely incapable of logical thinking and rational reasoning in any field of life!

Anyway, to return to those conversations I had, all of them ran along essentially similar lines and can be summed up as under…

Me: So, then you must like A, right?
D: No! I don’t! Please!
Me: But you just said that he had every quality that you like in men!
D: Yeah, but no, I can’t like him…as in he’s a nice guy and decent and has everything I said…but I can’t go out with him…no!
Me: OK, so what exactly stops you? I mean, there must be something!
D: OK, look, with us women, we decide when we see a guy whether we want to sleep with him or not…and if we don’t, well, that’s that…

I have not, in my whole life felt as vindicated and as devastated simultaneously as I did when I heard those words. Vindicated, for at last I know that women are even more superficial than men and are more senseless than even I had given them credit for (lower that IQ thingy to 15, will you?) and devastated coz…well…frankly, how many women would look at a 4’1” tall cripple and want to sleep with him?

So, brothers, men of this world, change the approach, renew those gym memberships and try the new angles that I am sure will be revealed to your minds now…and hey, if you still can’t come up with anything besides the cheesy “I think I have seen you somewhere”, worry not! Darth Midnightmare will soon return to enlighten you still further. Research continues and the shrouds of mystery shall soon be removed to reveal the naked truth…

Till then though, bear in mind the immortal words of Lynn Lavner:

“There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”

PS: Darth Midnightmare wishes to inform his well-wishers, few though they may be, that he will now be forced to lie low for a few days to avoid the retribution of the militant arm of the Bachao! Mahila! Andolan’s Jedi Templar. The Sith however will return soon, having overcome this unavoidable disturbance in the Force. As they say, violence is the last refuge of those ill-equipped for intellectual warfare and Hell hath no fury like a woman mocked! So, be patient my faithful apprentices. Lord Midnightmare will return…I’ll be back ;-)

Oh, and here’s a not-so-reassuring thought to leave you with…

“Do you know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither” – Steve Martin


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind a 4’1” tall cripple ;-)

Svelte Vixen

Neha said...

I so wanna bash u up right now! :P
i think u make up half of these conversations ;) cause i really havent come across any such women!! mayb i'v just been lucky.. or uv been

Anonymous said...

Hey that was great. Even I cant stand the cant & sanctimonious talks that women commense.

Anonymous said...

u need a DOCTOR............

Dreamcatcher said...

That made for interesting reading - i'll give you that but I still agree with Neha. I was reading your previous Mars series - very entertaining, so exaggerated but even I must admit - its true in parts. This one though, the Setffi Graf thing HAS to be made up. If i remember correctly she had the baby four days after she got hitched.

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Svelte Vixen: You sound more my type with every comment ;-)

@Neha: These conversations are all 100% true and genuine. Cross my heart and hope to die. I swear!

@Anon1: Sanctimonious...hmmm...oh well, to each his or her own I suppose ;-)

@Anon2: A Doctor. Now, by that do you imply a SPIN doctor? Or perhaps you were alluding to the fact that my leg, being recently operated on once again, requires orthopaedic attention...or were you referring to the fact perhaps that I shold be awarded an Honorary PhD? Whatever the case may be, thanks for your concern...and yeah, please do look up Sarchasm ;-) (Yes, the chasm is intended there ;-) )

@Dreamcatcher: Yes, you're right about the baby having been conceived well before marriage and all that. The person who asserted that she believed that SG was a virgin when she married has now asked me for proof on that front. I swear to God this is cent per cent true...please read the Appendix to this post to see even more examples of unbelievable me, I too had never thought such depths imaginable...let alone possible!!! But it's TRUE!!!