Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Ashes...

“Rebuild the ties that you have so deliberately broken”, said he. It’s a strange thing to say actually. After all, if one was to accept that the ties were broken deliberately, surely there was a reason for breaking them in the first place. I firmly believe that none of us ever acts in a manner that we feel would be bad for us… No, not even a “madman”, for the reason we call him mad is that he sees sense and reality in a very different way from us… So, even the “madman” is doing the things that he feels would be good for him…

With time comes wisdom they say. I don’t really know about the veracity of that statement and nor has enough time passed in my life for me to have any authority to make any statements about this, but this much I do know. There are points you reach when you realise that some things have changed, whether within or without counts for nothing. Some things change and at these times some decisions need to be made.

There are bridges we cross and even as we cross them we realise that there will be no return journey. There will be no turning back, for this moment signals a passing far beyond what Time or Life has ever thrown across our paths. It signals a departure into a future where the past holds no more than mere memories of times gone by. Memories that will elicit a smile and even the occasional shake of the head, but still mere memories nonetheless.

There comes this time in each person’s life - and this time is oft something that we encounter several times – that we must decide to burn certain bridges, to move on and to discover something that beckons with a strength that is irresistible. A strength that is born of the fact that we know this is where the path inevitably leads. A strength that can not be fought off, simply because we know the innate truth of it all…not all of it perhaps, perhaps not anything more than an iota, but we know it…and that’s the way we must move.

I’ve encountered this twice or thrice I guess. On each occasion the decision has not been an easy one to make. On each occasion there have been losses that hurt, choices that I would rather have forgone, thoughts that would have me tarry a while. And yet, the decision was simple in its making. The fire had to be lit, the torch needed to be raised and Time had to be called on a phase that no longer held anything more for me than the clear message that to stay would be to be caught in a warp that I was better out of.

At times it is difficult to face what you leave behind. Often it tears one apart to know that one will no longer see the sights that one beholds today. It is perhaps the most heart-rending decision to make for an owner to shoot his own pet; for a parent to shoot his only child. Then why move on? Why tear oneself apart when one knows not even whether the path will ever yield anything good?

For me it was always a burning feeling that what surrounded me was no longer enough. The more I look around me, the more it strikes me that I am not alone in experiencing this. Indeed, I believe everyone faces this in varying degrees. What of the man who quits a job for no ostensible reason? What of people who decide to move in a direction totally away from their life to this point? What of those who dare to move out of the realm in which they have been so successful that it is indeed a part of them?

And so, today once again, I see the crossroads. There is a path that was chosen. The beings at the other end of the bridge call out and extend a hand…but the bridge has been burnt. What if it were not? Would I strike back to a haven that I knew once and resided in for so long? Would I forsake this, which holds no promises of success and the lurking threat of misery? Would I return to a place where there were no threats? A place, where perhaps there was no fear?

Fear. Perhaps the key word once again. Was there truly no fear? Or was it fear itself that fuelled the need to spread the wings again? Was it the threat of living life as a prisoner? Or was it, as some would say, a fatal attraction to risk it all; to lay it all on the line – just with the faith that what lies ahead is better than that left behind? Perhaps, it is just a combination of it all…

As I stand today, several things have changed. Do I regret any of them? Would I reverse any of these changes? In my limited experiences and trysts with life and belief so far, I would say “No”. There are events that hurt, passings that made me weep, people whom I will ever miss. And yet, were I to be allowed to script the events that occurred and the choices that I made, there are but a few that I would change. Yes, I do know that this is a different from the clichéd “I would not change a thing” mentality, but that is a fairy-tale… Yet, if I changed one thing, would it not affect the rest? At least those that followed? Who is to know? Who could ever answer that? Not me…

“You sound so different now.
“Yeah, well, things are different now I guess.”
“Yeah. I feel good for you man…really…”
“Thanks. Now, drag yourself out as well…”

Yes, passings may hurt, but what one must remember is to take joy in a companion reaching a higher level rather than grieving the loss of a friend of misery…

“You’ve completely moved off…cut yourself off… Don’t.”
“I can’t help it. This is me. It always was.”
“No dude. You’ve become a mess. Move outside… This isn’t you.”
“No. You just never saw this before…nor did I… This is who I am…”

Yes, I never saw it either… Someday you will too… Till then, goodbye…

2 comments:

Sajeev said...

Well it is pretty difficult to get my comment going since the writing was such class that I just could get the rights words which wold express well enough what I felt on reading it. It was simply good without being too intense and was pretty incisive and I could go on and on.

sajeev

susubala said...

Mike : i thought for forgoing this post on looking at its lenghty, but the topic attracted me and tried reading it, but I could not stop and I was keep going and finish. Quite a good one to read...