Thursday, November 17, 2005

The AH Tag... I loved it!!!

Well, I’ve not been too well over the past few days and although I am indeed feeling much better now, this is the time when I feel like letting off a bit of steam. I’d really like to thank Mademoiselle Susie Derkins for this idea though. Here, you see, I shall proceed to make a list of the five biggest a-holes that I have ever known. It’s a kind of tag thing I guess…except that this one is FUN!!! You can try it too if you like…

A-hole No. 1:

This chap is on campus and I shall just refer to him as J (Nope, no intent in that. Just an arbitrary letter I picked up, since it happened to be the first letter of the word... Just… Yeah…that’s it….just…)

Well, J happens to believe that the best way to impress people about how “cool”, hip and happening he is, is to tell everyone around how he can get any woman into bed and how he’s been “doing” women all over the place…this despite having a girlfriend whom everyone knew and despite looking and sounding like something the cat brought in. Oh, and lest I forget, in Term-1, during the first week, he had openly announced to all who cared to listen, his firm intent to “do” the woman that later became his “serious” girlfriend for some time…

*Sigh*. No wonder we guys get blamed for being a-holes. At times, I can see the point…

A-hole No. 2:

This also happens to be a guy on campus and he also happens to be the so-called Academic Secretary of our batch (the Students Council rep responsible for academic affairs and forming the link between the faculty and the students). Well, in case you’re wondering why he’s classified here, let me get to the nub of things.

Think of a cockroach crossed with a really ugly ape and add to the mix the brain of an amoeba (and the voice and expressions of an amoeba, if amoebae have those), and what do you have? Well, you have Pankaj Ghai. Err…yes, that is an arbitrary name I picked for him, coz his parents named him that. Fondly (??) called the “Voice of the Faculty”, Pankaj Ghai is best known for his love of the line, “No, I can’t do that. The faculty (or authorities, as the case may be) may not like it.” Also renowned for his zeal in enforcing deadlines and a moral code, including a ban on late parties and rock shows (they might be abusive you see and we’re only 25!!!), this man would probably read this and go, “Whoo! I’m getting famous!!!!” Oh well, I guess it takes all types…

A-hole No. 3:

Well, strictly speaking, this person was not an a-hole until this incident. Until then, A (as I will refer to him) was quite an acceptable person. I think this conversation will illustrate why this classification soon had to change…Trust me, this was the first time I spoke to him…it was my first day in Engineering College…I’d just entered the hostel…

A: Oye m******od, got a ciggie?
Me: Yeah…here…
A: OK…need it to roll a joint man…do you dope?
Me: Err…no. Cigarettes are where I draw the line.
A: B****od! That is so SAD!!! Anyway, see ya.

(Standing in the canteen after the first day of classes)

X (a senior mademoiselle who later became a good friend): Oh! So, you’re Mike?
Me: Uh, yeah! Why?
X: Well…I heard you have quite a reputation…
Me: Huh? I just got here. How could I have a reputation?
X: Well, there is this chap called A, who has been telling all the girls about how you’re always doping and drinking, can’t construct a single sentence without a swear-word and are just on the lookout for quick sex… His girlfriend is in my hostel, so she came and told me

She was the cousin of a really close friend, hence the candidness. And yeah, I lived with that reputation throughout my four years of Engg. While I don’t really care about it much, I’d still like to know just what made him use the line, “In Bombay either he’s humping some woman, or lying stoned on coke on Juhu Beach!” Hmmm…as a resident of Ranchi who’d never been within a thousand miles of Bombay, I’d really love to know who his source was…

A-hole No. 4:

You know, there was a time when I really wondered if characters like Bertram Wilberforce Wooster really could exist! I mean, it’s rather tough to believe that even an author of the calibre of Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse could have had such a vivid imagination as to create someone like that… Well, this chap whom I shall refer to as V in this discussion made me realise that people like Bertie, even if not exactly like bertie, could definitely exist…

V was a classmate of mine who was infamous in school for wearing purple jeans…yes, purple…a real purple… Well anyway, he dropped into my place once and this is what ensued moments after he rang the doorbell. I opened the door, as one is wont to do when the doorbell rings and my dog leapt on the front door as dogs are wont to do when the doorbell rings…

Me: Oh, hi V.
Ginger (my dog): Bow-wow-wow-wow-….
V (failing to notice that the front door is shut probably): FU*K!!!
Me: Err…
V (now spotting my mom around a foot behind me): Oh fu*k!
Me: Oh…
V: Fuc*k, I said fu*k
Me (with eyes now shut): Errr….
V: Fu*k! F…

Yeah, you get the picture… Anyway, he said it 5 more times after that in the embarrassment of having said it once at the door and my mom couldn’t stop laughing…that embarrassed him even more I think…plus of course, the fact that he was wearing a yellow t-shirt over those purple jeans really couldn’t have done his confidence any help, if you ask me… He was also renowned for hogging from girls’ tiffins in the recess by the way… (Sorry V, you’re a friend and your dress-sense has improved, but this incident just had to make the list…)

A-hole No. 5

Oh well, to illustrate this man, called B, I shall just list three conversations he had during our school’s farewell bash. This is really the mildest incident in his extremely incident-packed career…

B: Mike, look at S… Isn’t she looking lovely?
Me: B, you’ve been saying that for years… Now listen, this really is the last chance for you to tell her that you fancy her! It’s now or never. And you really have nothing to lose!
B: You think so?
Me: Of course, you think she’ll follow you to college to take revenge if you tell her?
B: Hmmm…guess she may not really, now that you say it…

A few minutes later the girl herself walks over to us and asks him for a dance. Now, even a blind ape would have known what to do in this scenario, but this was no blind ape…it was B!!!!

S: Err…B…would you like to dance?
B: Err…with whom?
S: Me!!!
B: Oh! Oh yeah…oh, you…yeah…yeah yeah…
S: So come on then…
B: Err…I can’t…
S: Why not? Don’t worry. I’m not a great dancer myself!
B: No, it’s not that…it’s just that…it’s just that…I haven’t brushed my teeth today…

She left looking totally stunned…

Me (looking and feeling equally stunned): WTF is wrong with you? Why did you say that?
B: I don’t know. I wanted to dance with her, but I just got nervous and said whatever came into my mind…

*Sigh* Mind. I wish he had one…

19 comments:

DJK said...

And the Assole Pick of the week would have to be Assole # 3 .

luke said...

well a******1 and 2 top the list ..quit dangerous kinda of people ...

Anonymous said...

there's no woman on the list :)
just yesterday i was telling a friend that jerkness is strictly confined to the male domain...u've only corroborated my stance..thank u monsieur :)

Susie

abhinav said...

Now this is what a tag is supposed to be - Fun.Neat list mike.It was fun reading it.

Darth Midnightmare said...

@DJK: Hmmm...I'd rather not pick ;-)

@luke: Huh? Dangerous? No way...they're silly, amusing etc...but dangerous???

@Susie: Ahem! I shall refrain from commenting on this. One does like to be a preux chevalier you know, don't you know?

Darth Midnightmare said...

@abhinav: Thank you... :-)

Neha said...

Tough to choose who's the best.. love the 5th one :D and the 4rth too ..
and yes of course.. fr a change no woman bashin here!!!!

Docs Dope said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Darth Midnightmare said...

@Neha: Yeah...no woman-bashing for once ;-)

@Docs Dope: You need therapy... you're beneath contempt... Really, I pity your sorry existence...

Docs Dope said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Siddharth said...

the pick of the list should actually be the person who has written the comment above me...

Cool blog Mike!

~j~ said...

LOL! Finally some male-bashing on your blog - thank God for that! And yeah, my choice for AH No.1 would hafta be the dumb ass on the comments page here :|

Ranj said...

The same Mike who wrote the "In Mars we Trust" posts? :O ;-)

And yes, who is this docs dope guy? seems to be all around the place!

Vishy said...

you really oughta let your AHs read this

Rajat said...

Man, A list of 5 A-Holes ain't enough....i need a list of a 100 or so.....at times life seems to be full of only A-Holes!

But putting down 5 seems to be a tough choice...after all, it means leaving out 95 other A-Holes...let the shortlisting begin!

StupendousMan said...

yo M,
I'd be the talk of my coll if people heard i was 'humpin women and lying stoned on coke on juhu beach.' it'd do wonders for my PR... just kidding...

i find that quite a few student council candidates in my experience make it to the AH list. significant enough to conduct a behavioural research on the community???

nice post.. will be back to read up more

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Sid: I so agree :-)

@~j~: Yeah...at last...overdue huh? ;-) But wait till mars X then :D....Naah! YOu have to admit...the last few have been more than just a bit satirical ;-)

@Ranj: Same Mike, different mood ;-). As for who DoDo is, well, he's a publicity-seeker apparently...and so is best ignored :-).

@Vish: Yep, I think they'll have read it by now... ;-)

@Rajat: 100? Wow! Some number...

@StupendousMan: Hmmm...Behavioural Research does sound like a mighty fine idea...though I do get the feeling that the results will be pretty skewed going by the sample that I have been "previleged" to meet ;-).

injinuity said...

name five Nice guys... nobody remembers them .... you have gone through the trouble of writing about these 5, nobody would waste time writing about the nice guys.. so why be nice?

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Inj: Hmm...your perspective. I could name 5...more probably... but the point is not about that, IMHO. I'd rather not be talked about than be mentioned in the same breath as AH 1, 2 or 3...