Self-ishly Ours

“There is only one true force in the Universe. Everything else is an illusion caused by our inability to see beyond an infinitesimal portion of the Truth.”

These words were greeted by me with an instantaneous derision born out of twin reasons:

1. It sounded as immature as something that a child would say after watching Star Wars
2. It sounded unreasonable. Heck, everyone knows that for balance to exist, this is impossible.
   

I truly believed at the time, just like any “good child” that where there was good, there was also evil, where there was virtue, there was vice and where there was black, there had without doubt, to be white. It was reflected everywhere. Every action produced an equal an opposite reaction. Who could argue with that logic and who could ever believe in a singular Force that was the only real Truth while the rest was just an illusion or a manifestation of the one Force?

As I observed more things and gave them some thought, it began to strike me that I was undoubtedly correct in my belief of multiplicity. Even relativity seemed in a way to be based on the duality of everything around me…and then of course, things changed.

Centrifugal became a pseudo-force while only the centripetal existed (or have I mixed them up?). And with it came more thoughts about this. There was no good and no bad, no absolute right or wrong, no black-and-white…everything was grey… At the end of it all, I was left with quite an interesting scenario that seemed to be playing out all around me.

Newton left the world his legacy of physics and so did Einstein. The two are never applicable in the same case. It’s either one or the other and the aim of the entire Physics community seems to be to find that Unifying equation which would be applicable to both these frames of reference. A single equation or a set of equations which would independently explain every single phenomenon.

Similarly, after discovering electric force and magnetic force, the scientists discovered that they’re pretty similar, if not just different manifestations of the same, as would be evidenced by the “electromagnetic” force. (Please pardon my extremely limited technical know-how on these topics. I am just a pseudo-engineer you know. Never bothered to probe too deep into these things.).

So, at the end of the day, I found myself thinking that there might actually be more truth than I had first attributed to the entire concept of a single Force that was the only Truth. This belief was only strengthened when I read excerpts from the Upanishads which kept speaking of this force and acknowledged this as the ruling entity in the Universe (as mentioned before, they do not accept a “God” which is what makes them so believable).

So, just what tools is Science using to find this singular Force or the singular set of equations to explain the Universe? Ironically, Science endeavours to “study the Universe”. Ironic, because what we see and observe is not even a measurable fraction of the entire Universe! After all, what portion of Infinity could be anything more than negligible?

There’s an even more ironic side to it though. We aim to explain the Universe, yet do not even know an infinitesimal part of our own selves! After all, we can’t even explain what the “subconscious” is. Intuition, instinct, gut feel, call it what you will, there seems to be nobody who can really explain this “subconscious”. And yet, it plays a huge role in our lives and could perhaps reveal more to us about the Universe than aeons of “observing the Universe” may yield.

“I am the Universe”, says that immortal line. It may sound egotistical to the unread, yet, in my mind it is the most humbling thought ever. After all, the “I” is not about me alone; it is applicable to every single human being! So, what exactly does that line mean? Can it really be that knowing oneself could reveal all the answers?

It’s a very interesting thought, but why does one often say, “I don’t know what it was, but something inside me told me to…” or “It’s not like me, but I…” or “I just had this feeling that I should…”? These are not things that you can explain away with a wave of the hand and a contemptuous smile. For in my limited experience, I find that with most of us, that “gut-feel” turns out to be correct more often than not…even while taking a wild guess…

Wild guesses are another very interesting concept, for we never really take truly wild guesses. We’re always trying to rationalize to a certain extent. And yet, you find an urge to tick a particular answer (am talking of wild guesses in an MCQ – Multiple Choice Question – scenario). Why does that happen? Or let’s take a simpler example…driving a car or riding a bike.

While one is on the road, one makes thousands of judgments, ranging from whether to overtake or not to where to brake and what risks are worth taking, whether the chap in front will swerve towards you etc etc… Yet, none of these is a totally conscious decision and there are various types of drivers. The cautious and the rash, for example. What separates them? My answer is that the only thing that separates them is their assessment of what an acceptable risk level is. The entire process of driving is one where the subconscious makes millions of calculations every millisecond and yields probabilities of various scenarios. These answers are likely to be the same for everyone…and yet, while the risk-taker may risk an overtaking move with a 40% chance of success, the risk-averse would wait till the chance was 80%...and so it goes on…

Now, the funny thing is that as much as you may be disinclined to agree with my views as stated above, you can’t really prove me wrong, just the same way as I can’t really prove myself right. But the way I see things, this seems a logical view of the entire process of driving and leads me to a very interesting conclusion. The subconscious brain seems to be much more powerful and knowledgeable than the conscious. After all, I sucked at probability and really can’t think of any person, however brilliant that can make anywhere close to these many calculations in that short a time.

In the face of such a disparity it seems odd that we choose to probe the Universe with the decidedly inferior portion of the brain, while making no effort at all at even getting to know ourselves better and increasing our chances of success by harnessing or even understanding the far more powerful force that resides very much within. Even if I were to disregard the proclamation of the ancient wise men (who said more profound things than any of their descendants, that the Self is the key to the Universe) it seems to me that there would be more to gain by harnessing or even understanding the power of the subconscious than by choosing to sit idly and observe phenomena in the Universe…

Wonderful thought though…that just understanding yourself completely could lead you to answer every single question that has baffled humanity since the very first dawn…

The AH Tag... I loved it!!!

Well, I’ve not been too well over the past few days and although I am indeed feeling much better now, this is the time when I feel like letting off a bit of steam. I’d really like to thank Mademoiselle Susie Derkins for this idea though. Here, you see, I shall proceed to make a list of the five biggest a-holes that I have ever known. It’s a kind of tag thing I guess…except that this one is FUN!!! You can try it too if you like…

A-hole No. 1:

This chap is on campus and I shall just refer to him as J (Nope, no intent in that. Just an arbitrary letter I picked up, since it happened to be the first letter of the word... Just… Yeah…that’s it….just…)

Well, J happens to believe that the best way to impress people about how “cool”, hip and happening he is, is to tell everyone around how he can get any woman into bed and how he’s been “doing” women all over the place…this despite having a girlfriend whom everyone knew and despite looking and sounding like something the cat brought in. Oh, and lest I forget, in Term-1, during the first week, he had openly announced to all who cared to listen, his firm intent to “do” the woman that later became his “serious” girlfriend for some time…

*Sigh*. No wonder we guys get blamed for being a-holes. At times, I can see the point…

A-hole No. 2:

This also happens to be a guy on campus and he also happens to be the so-called Academic Secretary of our batch (the Students Council rep responsible for academic affairs and forming the link between the faculty and the students). Well, in case you’re wondering why he’s classified here, let me get to the nub of things.

Think of a cockroach crossed with a really ugly ape and add to the mix the brain of an amoeba (and the voice and expressions of an amoeba, if amoebae have those), and what do you have? Well, you have Pankaj Ghai. Err…yes, that is an arbitrary name I picked for him, coz his parents named him that. Fondly (??) called the “Voice of the Faculty”, Pankaj Ghai is best known for his love of the line, “No, I can’t do that. The faculty (or authorities, as the case may be) may not like it.” Also renowned for his zeal in enforcing deadlines and a moral code, including a ban on late parties and rock shows (they might be abusive you see and we’re only 25!!!), this man would probably read this and go, “Whoo! I’m getting famous!!!!” Oh well, I guess it takes all types…

A-hole No. 3:

Well, strictly speaking, this person was not an a-hole until this incident. Until then, A (as I will refer to him) was quite an acceptable person. I think this conversation will illustrate why this classification soon had to change…Trust me, this was the first time I spoke to him…it was my first day in Engineering College…I’d just entered the hostel…

A: Oye m******od, got a ciggie?
Me: Yeah…here…
A: OK…need it to roll a joint man…do you dope?
Me: Err…no. Cigarettes are where I draw the line.
A: B****od! That is so SAD!!! Anyway, see ya.

(Standing in the canteen after the first day of classes)

X (a senior mademoiselle who later became a good friend): Oh! So, you’re Mike?
Me: Uh, yeah! Why?
X: Well…I heard you have quite a reputation…
Me: Huh? I just got here. How could I have a reputation?
X: Well, there is this chap called A, who has been telling all the girls about how you’re always doping and drinking, can’t construct a single sentence without a swear-word and are just on the lookout for quick sex… His girlfriend is in my hostel, so she came and told me

She was the cousin of a really close friend, hence the candidness. And yeah, I lived with that reputation throughout my four years of Engg. While I don’t really care about it much, I’d still like to know just what made him use the line, “In Bombay either he’s humping some woman, or lying stoned on coke on Juhu Beach!” Hmmm…as a resident of Ranchi who’d never been within a thousand miles of Bombay, I’d really love to know who his source was…

A-hole No. 4:

You know, there was a time when I really wondered if characters like Bertram Wilberforce Wooster really could exist! I mean, it’s rather tough to believe that even an author of the calibre of Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse could have had such a vivid imagination as to create someone like that… Well, this chap whom I shall refer to as V in this discussion made me realise that people like Bertie, even if not exactly like bertie, could definitely exist…

V was a classmate of mine who was infamous in school for wearing purple jeans…yes, purple…a real purple… Well anyway, he dropped into my place once and this is what ensued moments after he rang the doorbell. I opened the door, as one is wont to do when the doorbell rings and my dog leapt on the front door as dogs are wont to do when the doorbell rings…

Me: Oh, hi V.
Ginger (my dog): Bow-wow-wow-wow-….
V (failing to notice that the front door is shut probably): FU*K!!!
Me: Err…
V (now spotting my mom around a foot behind me): Oh fu*k!
Me: Oh…
V: Fuc*k, I said fu*k
Me (with eyes now shut): Errr….
V: Fu*k! F…

Yeah, you get the picture… Anyway, he said it 5 more times after that in the embarrassment of having said it once at the door and my mom couldn’t stop laughing…that embarrassed him even more I think…plus of course, the fact that he was wearing a yellow t-shirt over those purple jeans really couldn’t have done his confidence any help, if you ask me… He was also renowned for hogging from girls’ tiffins in the recess by the way… (Sorry V, you’re a friend and your dress-sense has improved, but this incident just had to make the list…)

A-hole No. 5

Oh well, to illustrate this man, called B, I shall just list three conversations he had during our school’s farewell bash. This is really the mildest incident in his extremely incident-packed career…

B: Mike, look at S… Isn’t she looking lovely?
Me: B, you’ve been saying that for years… Now listen, this really is the last chance for you to tell her that you fancy her! It’s now or never. And you really have nothing to lose!
B: You think so?
Me: Of course, you think she’ll follow you to college to take revenge if you tell her?
B: Hmmm…guess she may not really, now that you say it…

A few minutes later the girl herself walks over to us and asks him for a dance. Now, even a blind ape would have known what to do in this scenario, but this was no blind ape…it was B!!!!

S: Err…B…would you like to dance?
B: Err…with whom?
S: Me!!!
B: Oh! Oh yeah…oh, you…yeah…yeah yeah…
S: So come on then…
B: Err…I can’t…
S: Why not? Don’t worry. I’m not a great dancer myself!
B: No, it’s not that…it’s just that…it’s just that…I haven’t brushed my teeth today…

She left looking totally stunned…

Me (looking and feeling equally stunned): WTF is wrong with you? Why did you say that?
B: I don’t know. I wanted to dance with her, but I just got nervous and said whatever came into my mind…

*Sigh* Mind. I wish he had one…

The Drifter

What would life be if there was nothing to hang on to? What would you feel if you didn't even know if you were alive or not? What would you feel like if there was nothing left to know? Strangely enough, I don't think we'll ever know that...

Trapped inside an aged youth,
Freshness never hung in the air,
Pull me down with every whim,
Your joy was ever my despair

Walk with breeze running through my hair,
I met the sign of a new rising,
Taking me to where he belonged,
Or was it just another morning?

A dying flame erupts again,
The dormant one sits up in rage,
Passion that ever coursed the veins,
Feeling good enough again

Bring a peace into my storm,
Buy me time to take some more,
Where will is just a heap of wax,
Moulded; it has never been before

Out of sight, yet in the mind,
Words never left memories behind,
Leaving a death known for the unknown,
A salmon going upstream once more

Unmoored and still chained home,
A stallion on the city roads,
The eyes will glaze; the pace will slow,
And cut the light off at the door

Still a beacon shimmering on the waves,
Draws a thought to hopes unfair,
The promise never made, yet killing fear,
The smile that had no place in demons’ lairs

The candle’s gone; the light is dead,
But darkness, it never pervades,
The weary fingers search in vain,
But shadows just like old remain

A downstream run away from the Sun,
Yet another face among those gone,
Like waves that lift and then crash down,
The raft may sink but ships labour on

At lowest ebb of highest tide,
Going past the dawn of darkest night,
Never good enough to stand and fight,
But still so strong as not to die...

Ashes...

“Rebuild the ties that you have so deliberately broken”, said he. It’s a strange thing to say actually. After all, if one was to accept that the ties were broken deliberately, surely there was a reason for breaking them in the first place. I firmly believe that none of us ever acts in a manner that we feel would be bad for us… No, not even a “madman”, for the reason we call him mad is that he sees sense and reality in a very different way from us… So, even the “madman” is doing the things that he feels would be good for him…

With time comes wisdom they say. I don’t really know about the veracity of that statement and nor has enough time passed in my life for me to have any authority to make any statements about this, but this much I do know. There are points you reach when you realise that some things have changed, whether within or without counts for nothing. Some things change and at these times some decisions need to be made.

There are bridges we cross and even as we cross them we realise that there will be no return journey. There will be no turning back, for this moment signals a passing far beyond what Time or Life has ever thrown across our paths. It signals a departure into a future where the past holds no more than mere memories of times gone by. Memories that will elicit a smile and even the occasional shake of the head, but still mere memories nonetheless.

There comes this time in each person’s life - and this time is oft something that we encounter several times – that we must decide to burn certain bridges, to move on and to discover something that beckons with a strength that is irresistible. A strength that is born of the fact that we know this is where the path inevitably leads. A strength that can not be fought off, simply because we know the innate truth of it all…not all of it perhaps, perhaps not anything more than an iota, but we know it…and that’s the way we must move.

I’ve encountered this twice or thrice I guess. On each occasion the decision has not been an easy one to make. On each occasion there have been losses that hurt, choices that I would rather have forgone, thoughts that would have me tarry a while. And yet, the decision was simple in its making. The fire had to be lit, the torch needed to be raised and Time had to be called on a phase that no longer held anything more for me than the clear message that to stay would be to be caught in a warp that I was better out of.

At times it is difficult to face what you leave behind. Often it tears one apart to know that one will no longer see the sights that one beholds today. It is perhaps the most heart-rending decision to make for an owner to shoot his own pet; for a parent to shoot his only child. Then why move on? Why tear oneself apart when one knows not even whether the path will ever yield anything good?

For me it was always a burning feeling that what surrounded me was no longer enough. The more I look around me, the more it strikes me that I am not alone in experiencing this. Indeed, I believe everyone faces this in varying degrees. What of the man who quits a job for no ostensible reason? What of people who decide to move in a direction totally away from their life to this point? What of those who dare to move out of the realm in which they have been so successful that it is indeed a part of them?

And so, today once again, I see the crossroads. There is a path that was chosen. The beings at the other end of the bridge call out and extend a hand…but the bridge has been burnt. What if it were not? Would I strike back to a haven that I knew once and resided in for so long? Would I forsake this, which holds no promises of success and the lurking threat of misery? Would I return to a place where there were no threats? A place, where perhaps there was no fear?

Fear. Perhaps the key word once again. Was there truly no fear? Or was it fear itself that fuelled the need to spread the wings again? Was it the threat of living life as a prisoner? Or was it, as some would say, a fatal attraction to risk it all; to lay it all on the line – just with the faith that what lies ahead is better than that left behind? Perhaps, it is just a combination of it all…

As I stand today, several things have changed. Do I regret any of them? Would I reverse any of these changes? In my limited experiences and trysts with life and belief so far, I would say “No”. There are events that hurt, passings that made me weep, people whom I will ever miss. And yet, were I to be allowed to script the events that occurred and the choices that I made, there are but a few that I would change. Yes, I do know that this is a different from the clichéd “I would not change a thing” mentality, but that is a fairy-tale… Yet, if I changed one thing, would it not affect the rest? At least those that followed? Who is to know? Who could ever answer that? Not me…

“You sound so different now.
“Yeah, well, things are different now I guess.”
“Yeah. I feel good for you man…really…”
“Thanks. Now, drag yourself out as well…”

Yes, passings may hurt, but what one must remember is to take joy in a companion reaching a higher level rather than grieving the loss of a friend of misery…

“You’ve completely moved off…cut yourself off… Don’t.”
“I can’t help it. This is me. It always was.”
“No dude. You’ve become a mess. Move outside… This isn’t you.”
“No. You just never saw this before…nor did I… This is who I am…”

Yes, I never saw it either… Someday you will too… Till then, goodbye…

Whose Tag is it Anyway?

Been tagged and that too twice (by Geets and Zarine) so I can't ignore this any more. It seems that I am supposed to write 20 random facts about myself. Well, I don't even know if there are 20 things about me that I can jot down, but here goes:

1. Music for me, is like the elixir of life. Can't live without it.

2. My belongings don't like tidiness. As many times as I may clean my room, they decide they'd rather be mucked up...

3. I hate Sachin Tendulkar and think that he's the most over-rated, over-hyped and useless brat. He should be dropped from the Indian cricket team.

4. I hate Arsenal (Arse-hole-nil) Football Club. I detest Chel$ki too, but Arsenal above all. For Arsenal epitomize every single quality that a sportsperson should not possess - lack of skill, a love for whining, no grace and no resilience to pressure...among several other negative traits, like rowdiness, a love for playing dirty and bad-mouthing the opposition...

5. I love gazing out at the sea.

6. I love climbing mountains, but I hate heights... (Yeah, go figure...)

7. I hate travelling.

8. I hate all politicians and particularly those affiliated to Shabana Azmi.

9. I am a vegetarian (Shocked you, did I? Well, I am...)

10. I can't stay awake for more than an hour if I'm in a classroom...

11. I can't read a textbook or any other material related to academics for more than 15 minutes at a stretch.

12. My chosen companion on a deserted island would be me.

13. I detest people who poke and pry into things that don't concern them...even if they don't concern me either.

14. Women have always confused and confounded me and always will...

15. I can survive without food for 48 hours.

16. I hate even the thought of work...let alone the real thing...

17. I'm an only child and I never, ever wanted any siblings.

18. I'm actually only 4 feet tall and wear dentures, a wig and stilts to keep up my appearance.

19. I could easily think up 20 things about me...

20. I'm a very interesting person. There's so much to me :-)

OK, ok, so I wasn't able to get to 20, or even 19 for that matter. All that counts now is that I am done with it. As for whom I will tag, well, for once I shall be a nice guy and not tag anyone. Hey kiddo, take note, I am not tagging you...

Has any of you ever wondered what sort of person has as much idle time as to come up with these tag thingies?

When the Nightmare Becomes a Reality...

“You know the sleeping feel no more pain,
And the living are scarred”

Immortal words by Dave Mustaine and there aren’t words that have come closer to expressing what recent events have taught me. Personal as it may be, I guess everyone passes through a day when the Eternal truth of Life hits one in the face and there’s no running away… Every person ever born has always known what will come to pass; for ourselves as well as all those around us…

“Hullo? Is everything sorted out?”
”We…we found out…it’s…it’s…”

Some way to celebrate a Diwali…

“I…I don’t know what to say…Guess it’s hardest for you, but I just wanted to say something and can’t think of a word”
”Yeah…Oh well… I think we’re… well… Let’s… let’s talk later…”

Some things just can’t be said. I hope you got what I needed to express. Wasn’t that the way it’s always been?

“Dude, you’re driving like it’s a freaking bullock-cart.”
“Don’t want to endanger someone else’s life man…”
“Danger? I laugh in the face of danger. Ha…ha…ha…”
“It wouldn’t be our lives man… Wouldn’t be concerned about those anyway, would I?”

Some things are just ironic… But one thing has changed forever today…

“It’s been seven years, hasn’t it? Weird when you think about it.”
“Yeah… I guess what will be even more weird is seeing each other again. Hardly know what to expect… Will it be the same face I remember? Do I remember? Damn! Wonder what the face will look like…”

You were right. Really had no idea…

“Dude, if I ever record a song, I want it to be all of us together…”
“Yeah… would rock, wouldn’t it? Or maybe if we can’t do that, each of us can do a dedication to someone else. I mean, it may turn out that we can’t do it together right? Who knows where we land up man?

I will… Someday… I know not when that will be, but someday…

“Dude, my flight just landed. You still in Bombay?”
“Err…sort of…as in, not quite in Bombay, but still very much in Bombay”
“Can you please be a bit less incoherent? Hope you’re sober man…”
“Relax! What I meant was that I am in the departure terminal dude. Just gone through Security Check.”
“Dude, chuck the flight. It’s been so long. Go tomorrow!!!”
“Would have man…really would have loved to be able to do that. But can’t. I’m only getting 2 days in Delhi with her and really can’t afford to pass on those… But I’ll be down again sometime soon…”

Guess some things just aren’t mean to happen… Face them…move on…

“Dude, let’s also do something light this time… As in, you know, something thrash without the darkness…”
“Yeah, the thought crossed my mind too; but for some reason, the words just don’t come out that way. And hey, metal’s not about joy you know. It’s about hitting people with what hurts the most…with the truth!!!”
“Fair enough. But this stuff is just about death, death and death. Can’t we have something a bit more about LIFE the way we see it? Go as deep as you like. be as dark about it as you like. But keep death out of it...at least for one of the tracks.”
“Umm…come on…most people can face life. It’s death they can’t…”
“Don’t know about that… I think when it comes to death; it’s more when it happens around that it’s tough. Anyway, I guess it’s up to you…you’re the writer after all..”

I still wonder about that…I really do…

“Whoa! Didn’t realise it was this late…”
“Yeah, me neither. Amazing how time can fly when you’re so deep in conversation…”
“Hmmm… But I wonder if that’s more puzzling or if the number of words we speak is…”
“Words. Who cares about them man? They’re a poor substitute for thoughts anyway”

But they’re all I have left…

“Awesome!!! Congrats dude!!! When?”
“End-November, all things going well. Will be there around October-end.”

Why did you qualify that? Guess I’ll never know. Guess it’s like everything else about everything that ever passed between us…

“Thanks for that time dude. Don’t know what I’d have done if you’d not been there…”
“Bullcrap man…You’d have come through it anyway. I know you way too well. Strength never flows from another. It’s always within. You make yourself the man you are. The rest are just incidental…”

Thanks… Small word perhaps, but there’s only so much I can say…

"Crush"ing Me...

Crushes…how can people still have them? I can only recall one crush that I ever had and that was on the nurse that gave birth to me. OK, maybe I should rephrase that to “the nurse that tended to my mother during childbirth”, lest you start wondering…

It’s always been a firm belief of mine that the first crush anyone has (and in cases like mine, the last as well) is on the person that tends to their mother during childbirth. This also explains several other facts of life, like the fact that woman-woman bonding is so much stronger than male-male bonding. (OK, I know that the more asinine among you will want to debate this, but you’re wrong obviously, because:
a) You disagree with me and
b) Since I am the one writing this post, I am right…)

Think about it. You’ll see it everywhere and here’s a common example from daily life. Women behave as if they’d be devoured by a demon or something if they were to visit a rest-room alone, but have you ever seen a man asking another man to accompany him to the rest-room? (Yes, I know that this is lifted from an e-mail forward, but I couldn’t think of anything better to plug in here.)

I mean, seriously, if a guy tried putting his arm around my shoulder or hugging me, I (and most other sensible men – which I know are rare, but they do exist), would simply assume, very logically that this guy either had a male nurse tending to his mother or there was simply no nurse and just the doctor (a male one at that) supervised childbirth… That seems to me, to be the only possible explanation for our dear friend Cupid getting his sights so horribly wrong with this poor bloke…

Come to think of it, I know several women who say that they find Jennifer Anniston nice and who think that Sushmita Sen is hot, but I really can’t think of more than one guy I know who thinks that Brad Pitt or Al Pacino is “hot”. And hey, this guy owns a Santro, so you can reach your own conclusions on the veracity of my statement now. (Yes, Monsieur VA, this is aimed at you…like I said, I know only one such person ;-) ) (And yes again, I know the point on the Santro is completely arbit, but I liked the idea :-) )

Anyway, I think I have dwelt enough on the first line of the post (the one about crushes) to make this a post of half-decent length and therefore to make it a post of decent length, I shall now finally get to the point. (In case you’ve not noticed, I just managed a few more lines without really making any point, but then that’s the idea of typing this line as well.)

Well, having brought your attention to the fact that there is indeed a point I intend to make at some point (point again?) in this ramble, I think I have just blown my chances of getting away without making one and perhaps it is now time to get down to the task… *Sigh*…more work…

So, as I was saying, most people never seem to grow out of this tendency to have crushes even when they are well past the age that you’d expect them to have done so in a successful manner. That is the only reason I can think of for why, when an 85-year old man who was being interviewed on what he thought of “Murder”, he replied that he quite enjoyed the movie. Now, I am not a movie buff and have not ventured within shouting distance of any theatre screening this movie, but based on the general feedback, I can really think of only one reason for this horny old bas…oops, sorry… sweet old man, liking the movie and I don’t think I need to delve into that…

Now, some people I know like to put this tendency of having crushes down to the fact that a 25 year-old guy is about as mature as a 5 year-old girl, but, without bothering to refute this totally ludicrous assessment of the male maturity-quotient, I can safely dismiss this theory. Really, I can. After all, how else do you explain women swooning when a total no-hoper like Enrique Myballsareofglass is on stage? Or of course, the copious number of women’s garment companies whose success and sales are fuelled solely by picking up the pieces (literally) after these shows? (Psst! They tell me that Victoria’s Secret started this way too. But I’ll save that story for another day…)

Now, a crush is something that I personally would find pretty disagreeable I think. Apart from the discomforting thought of the frightful constriction that I believe would inevitably accompany a crush, I do really find it hard to envisage myself in a situation where I’m trying desperately hard not to swear or drive fast or in short, to be anything remotely like myself! Yes, at times I can even see the horrifying image of me complimenting women and refraining from remarking about their remarkably low IQ and choosing to ignore the opportunities for smart one-liners… *Sigh*

Now, I won’t deny the fact that I only appear to be 4’6” because of the stilts, but come on, I mean, can anyone really expect that much honesty? Thought not, and that puts me in the clear even on that front, not to mention the wig and dentures. Then again, I’d tell them if they asked!!!

This then - of course - makes me really wonder about just why people have crushes at all. Come to think about it, any woman who – however inconceivable it may sound – had a crush on me, would inevitably be dreaming about this tall, handsome guy with great hair and shiny white teeth, whereas the truth really couldn’t be further from that. I could say the same about a number of girls as well, mind you. After all, semiconductors and transistors are not all that technology created you know…

In a way, this kind of reminds me of children. I know several women who like the blighters. I personally, being more sensible, hate the creatures. I mean, it’s not like I’d shoot them all or anything or even that I would advocate a genocide of all children aged below 10. As a matter of fact, I’m quite ok with children, as long as they’re not within range of me. They’re a disaster.

Now, why do I say they’re like crushes? Coz when these girls say they like children, they then want children…but they’re blissfully unaware of the real truth. Unlike the doctored and morphed photographs of “cute babies”, these monstrosities of Nature are accompanied by labour pain, a terrible figure, wet clothes all over the house, nights of sleepless torture and of course, horrible hygiene, not to mention being horribly ugly, a sight that makes a shiver run down the spine etc etc…and then all the destruction they cause once they learn how to crawl and later walk…and mind you, I’ve not even mentioned the monetary cost… As my mother says, “I will always wonder just what I was thinking…” (And yes, I am an only child.)

Yes, like I said, crushes…can’t understand why people have them…

The Longest Day...

It was in the summer of 1994 that we first saw each other's faces... It was in 1994 that we became friends... It was a year later that we shared perhaps the most personal moments ever, although it was a process that began long ago and just culminated then...

It was in 1999 that I needed you most and found everything just as I needed it to be... It was in 1999 that, perhaps, we dicovered how much it all meant. Before that, it was in 1998 I found Eternity...thanks to you I guess...

All in all, thanks... and R.I.P....

I'm sorry I saw this...maybe you should never have caught my arm... Thanks for it all dude...thanks for it all...

Everything moves on...and so does life I guess. Perhaps those last words we spoke were what it's all about. Did I ever get them? Perhaps... I hope I did....

Memories; that is all we live on for most of the time I guess. Perhaps that is why it's more important for me now than it may have been later. Perhaps that is why I do not sink but rise to fight a battle again. Perhaps that is what I learnt from you...