Monday, February 13, 2006

Hanes - Tagless Comfort I Seek...

It seems that whatever I do, whichever direction I turn in and however deep into the sands I bury my head, there is always someone around that manages to spot me despite my not looking at them!!! Strange, but at least I now know what an ostrich feels like. Funny that I should say that because I’ve always found that the old ostrich trick works pretty well, whatever the old hats might say about that…

I mean, let’s think about it. You’re sitting in class and the prof asks you a question. What do you do? Well, the smart thing is to just not look at the prof and keep your head buried in the textbook/notebook/porno mag that you are carrying with you. Chances are that even if it is indeed you that the prof is referring to, a few moments later, the prof will sigh, give up on you and move on to the unsuspecting smarty-pants next to you who thought that the old hats were right…

Trust me, there is no better way to get asked a question by a prof than to look straight at him when he asks it!!! Anyway, I think I’ve veered way off course here, which of course is pretty natural considering the inhumanly torturous task that I am left confronted with. Twice I managed to do my Teflon-imitation and avoided the silly thing, but now I find that I have been firmly tagged… No amount of squirming seems to enable me to be rid of this, so here goes…

Well, this tag has really got me squirming. The requirement you see is that I write down the 8 top qualities that I wish my ideal woman to have. Now, quite frankly, this tag must have been made by a woman because most guys can’t think beyond three or four qualities and that is after we have dissected (literally) women into various parts and decided how we’d like each one to be… It’s like that old joke about the prayers of the sexes goes (Ping me if you have not yet heard that one ;-) )

So, I shall now put up a ‘fa├žade’ once again. This time, I shall pretend to be this unique guy who actually does expect some intangibles from his women and then I am going to think even harder to come up with 8 of them. The end result of course will be aimed at making all the women that read this wonder how nice and sensitive and immensely dateable I am, while of course all I will actually be doing is sitting and praying that some dumb cluck actually falls for it all, goes to orkut, takes my phone number and calls me up saying how much she’d like to sleep with me ;-).

Anyway, enough of the beating around the bush part. Oh and in case you people are wondering, it was the exams that caused the delay in me posting this one, not the time that it took me to come up with these 8 lies…oops…qualities I want in my women…sorry again…woman:

1. She should be shorter than 4’1”. Quite simple really since I am 4’1. And no, it’s not about the ego thing here. Look, if the kids are short and the two of us are both short, at least they will never be able to blame just me!!! Whereas, if she’s 6’ tall and I’m just 4’1 and they’re all pygmies, well, I don’t think they’d let me off alive…well…let’s just say that it’d give them yet another reason to want to tar and feather me before they lynch me…Add to this my “marry at 50” theory (ping me if you don’t know that one) and you have the recipe for disaster. Tens of those monstrous kids chasing me down the streets! *shudder*

2. She should have a sense of humour that forces her to laugh at each and every one of my jokes, thus at least boosting my ego! This of course, is substitutable with a sub-30 IQ (not too difficult to find in women ;-) *Ouch!!!* Kidding!!!). That extremely low IQ of course would make her feel that I am sooooo smart with my 45 and she’d believe that it was a funny joke and she was just too dumb to get it (which most women are in any case *Owww!* OK, OK, I get the point. No more, no more…). Anyway, bottomline – whether it’s coz she’s smart or dumb, she should laugh at my jokes!!!

3. She should hate Sachin Tendulkar, Barcelona, Thierry Henry, Kimi Crykonnen, Glenn McGrath, Abhishek Bachchan, Leo The-Crap-rio, Fartstreet Boys, Cryin Adams etc with the same intensity as I do…no, no compromises on this one whatsoever!

4. She should be the type that considers it a sin to buy clothes that are not by good designer labels and that do not cost a bomb. I think that is the only way I will ever be able to own a designer outfit. While she’s at it, she can also teach me how to dress right and how to knot a freaking tie!!! (OK, that’s a lie. I can tie a double knot, it’s the single knot that she’ll have to teach me!!! Really…)

5. She should not think even for a moment about tidying the ‘mess’ that my house will be in. I don’t want her finding my ‘black book’ after all!!! That’s secret!!! More importantly though, I hate the thought of anyone mucking around with my diapers or teddies!

6. I am a moderate person with few - if any - mood swings. Normally, I am either a tolerant, easy-going person who is willing to compromise or I am a cold-blooded, premeditated murderer. I don’t believe in violence, breaking limbs or in mindless killing. So she should not think of me as a schizophrenic psychopath or something. And I am a vegetarian to boot!

7. She should not suffer from headaches at night. This one is imperative. There is no single line in the entire history of mankind that frustrates us as much as this one!!!

8. She should be able to constantly provide me with ammo for my Mars posts… (Yes, this one shows you the depths that I have had to plumb for this post…)

OK, that’s done then…and I hereby tag Neeta and request each and every one of the people that reads this to go and put in a message on her Shoutbox that she needs to do this tag!!! Grrr…

OK. Now that that's done, well, you see, I'm through with two exams and going by my performance, nothing can now stop me clearing this course now, so please do forgive the words that may offend you :D. And yes, like all men that walk this planet, the credo is, "Show me a woman. Then I'll decide what makes me like her!!!" Tags like these are meaningless for guys. What are we supposed to do? Be honest? That would be like... "Oh! I dunno...she should be good I guess...hmmm...whatever!" :-). But please, please please, do message that lazybones Neeta!!!

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Superficial bastard! I'm turned on!!

~Svelte Vixen

red said...

hi JB:)

Neha said...

You would never leave one chance to do female bashing wud u? :P
lol..nice post!! now where wud u find such a perfect woman!
hey y do u hate sachin n abhishek bachchan ..
and poor neeta..everyone's askin her to do the tag now!lol..

neeta said...

Poor me indeed! And with no time on my hands either! Will get back for this for sure!
But hey, enjoyed the post. And hey, I do have a pygmy friend if you are interested :D (oops, did I just say pygmy?!)

Neha said...

You would never leave one chance to do female bashing wud u? :P
lol..nice post!! now where wud u find such a perfect woman!
hey y do u hate sachin n abhishek bachchan ..
and poor neeta..everyone's askin her to do the tag now!lol..
~~~
S. R. Nirmaala

Anat said...

the best way to understand a woman is through the use of "fuzzy logic".
their mind works in the same way as most automatic washing machines do....

Neha said...

hey mike tht nirmala comment is not by me.. it's some idiot using my name and signing off comments this way! i dont noe y!

Darth Midnightmare said...

@Red: Hey! Long time...how you doing?

@Neha: Yes, I got that coz of the pic thingy actually. Not to worry :-)

@Neeta: OK, waiting...and you know the terms now :-)

@Anat: Errr...ok...I prefer not trying. Men and women are both better off not trying :-). I don't want the women to know that there's almost always just a blank in my mind!!! :D

@SV: Errr...Mars 10 anyone? ;-). Merci beaucoup anyway :))

Zarine said...

Lol..tht's the most 'ulta' list I've come across! :D

Sudhar jaa..warna koi nahi milegi :P

Anonymous said...

how many women hav u met in ur life..rem da sampling fundae..to think dat da sample wud truly define da characteristics of da whole population is kinda silly..if kiran bedi does sumthin great it only shows her individual capability..if kalpana chawla put karnal on da world map hats off 2 her courage,determination n perseverance..ayn rands philosophy was her thoughts..i for one wudnt clap for da entire 'woman'kind for dat..n da same goes for einstein..doesnt mean all men are genius..so mike lets talk abt individuals..just bcoz sum gal u met reacted in a particular way doesnt mean all da women in da world wud react the same way..anywayz how does it matter to me wat u think about women right! :-) gudluk for life aftr mba..smita

Darth Midnightmare said...

Thank you for the good luck wishes. As for the sample, quite simply, I don't believe in sampling when talking about people. Each person brings with him or her something new and unique and beautiful. Only a few will appreciate or even recognise that beauty. So why talk about how many people you have met? Even if you have met everyone on this planet save one, that one last person will still have something to show that you've never seen or come across before!!!

To put it in simple words, I believe in the Wodehouse philosophy that humour is best as a lyrical and totally fictitous quantity. After all, we see enough of the dark reality in the life around us...so when you read something aimed at being humourous, suspend belief and your concept of reality for a while and go with the flow...I do hope I make myself clear...

Anupa said...

Hi. Must start off my comments by saying that I started reading your blogs only recently, but it has made me come back and want to read most of your writings. Part of the reason is that, I'm rather curious about the younger minds in India. I'm impressed by the breadth and depth of your writings. Your Poetry is beautiful. And surely, the words linger on in one's mind for a long time. But, don't understand this "Mars and Venus"- ian obsession. I know that "Men are from..." book sold a lot and it almost became a belief system here in the US too. Most people at my work had read it a few times. Just being curious, I browsed through this book and could not even get through a few pages...seemed like all kinds of relationship problems between couples in the whole world was written out into a book and analyzed at length and arrived at this idea of how men and women had to have hailed from different planets altogether -- troublesome gender stereotyping, don't you think? And I was astounded as to how it was lapped up by so many people all over...and, coming back to your blog, with all this mature talk on life, within and beyond, why this frivolous( at times canonical )expectations of a "woman"? And no, it does not come off as a tongue-in-cheek thing. Hope society grows up with regards to such things, men and women alike!

Darth Midnightmare said...

@anupa: None of the posts in this series are in any way meant seriously. They were written after I was requested by a number of my female friends to write about these things in a light vein. There is, in a fair number of them, a clear attempt at showing how silly these prejudices are.

I agree with you that this entire Mars-Venus thing is silly. To m,e every individual is different and needs to be treated as such. Relationships (friends, lovers, whatever) and equations depend on the people involved and not the gender.

By the way, I haven't read that book and don't plan to either. It seems silly to me that someone should try to define what men are like and what women are like. Damn! Most people don't even know what they themselves are like! Why judge or try to compartmentalize the world based on something as silly as gender?

Ravi Kiran said...

Haah!! u have female friends also..Dont kid me!!