A Man's Journey Through HelL - V

Hmm... A few days ago, sombody asked me if I was in possession of a fifth installment. As it happens, I now am. I shall not, of course, for reasons of not wanting to be arrested for treason, divulge who exactly it was that authored these pieces, but suffice to say, that I know him well and he has not objected - thus far at least - to my using these on my blog. Should you care to read the previous ones of course, they are at the links below:

A Man's Journey Through HelL - I
A Man's Journey Through HelL - II
A Man's Journey Through HelL - III
A Man's Journey Through HelL - IV

“And in fact, in this in fact, we can use simple in fact, compound interest formula…” He rose, bleary eyed in a state bordering on disbelief as he heard the emaciated monstrosity on the classroom platform spew this as the response to how a certain case in Financial Management was to be solved. They had faced this commando trainer in the first term, yes, but surely this was beyond the realm of the slightly-more-than-mild insanity they had believed the clown to be suffering from!

It did not stop there of course, as there was more to come in the next class…and the next one… Yes indeed, if Term 2 could be called the Crowning Glory, this term was definitely making a case for itself to be christened Reclaiming Glory… There was incident aplenty to be found now, so much so that the oddity now was to have a sane moment…whether within class or without.

The Finance Professor of course headed the pack out of the blocks. With unforgettable gems like, “Of course we can use in fact this CAGR. In fact, can you tell me in fact what is this CAGR which you are talking about?” to “In fact the case says that interest is 5%, but in fact we will in fact assume it to be 14% so that in fact we can reach this solution which I have in fact solved in this Excel…” But the nadir of the nightmare session was perhaps endured by the then not-so-Express American who approached him to request a relook at a quiz paper.

AE: Sir, in this question, you have given me a 0…
SCB: In fact beta, what is this a/(a+b) and b/(a+b)???
AE: Sir, in a weighted average question, that is simple arithmetic!
SCB: Hmm…ok, come to see me tomorrow…leave this here with me…

The next day:

SCB: See beta, in fact I looked at your solution in fact and I saw that after the third decimal place in fact your answer is wrong… So, I think that you must have got this far by accident…

Ouch!!!

Oh yes, there was a lot of fun to be had in this term…if one could first wake up in time to reach class…and then stay awake through lectures! There was the fat, little geriatric cove that the administration had dug out of his grave to teach how Materialistic Management students had become and of course, there was the quintessential HR professor (Which term could be complete without one?) who was quite obviously leading a troubled life at home…

“Materials Management is about learning how to manage materialistic things…” said old Geriatrix (Sorry G&U, but I couldn’t resist lifting that one) as he kicked off his course; the same course in the course of which (sorry, but once again, I just couldn’t resist that one) he was to ensure that his resurrection - approximately four centuries after he was interred - was not in vain and that the authorities that had sanctioned his exhumation would never have cause to complain that he did not provide entertainment. While it would take more than a few volumes to encapsulate the wisdom of the ages that the old cove endeavoured to spread, a few samples would surely be in order as one attempts to eulogize the hallowed One.

“If I have to explain to you a supply chain, I can do it best with a comparison. Mere bachchon, imagine a cycle. A cycle uses a chain. Why does a cycle use a chain? We can use something else. Imagine a long short rod. If it pumps up and down, it will not move the whole thing efficiently. So, we use a chain. Now, a supply chain is like a cycle chain, because both are having links that make the chain move smoothly as if it was lubricated… So now, you know what is a supply chain. So remember that if you ever have to think of a supply chain, just first think of a cycle chain and your solution will be complete and obvious…” I swear by all that I hold sacred (like my Jennifer Aniston poster and my pink knickers) that he actually said this in these exact words…

“Mere bachchon, I want you to be like the Taj Mahal. After my classes, all of you should be like Taj Mahals. Lots of Taj Mahals…” Yeah rrrright! Like, housing dead souls, perhaps?

While all this and more transpired within the walls of the classroom, there was yet more entertainment to be had on the ‘other’ side. With their departure nearing fast, the senior batch seemed suddenly to have become acutely aware of the fact that the junior batch was blessed with more than thrice the number of girls than their own batch. This phenomenon of course, coupled with the knowledge that they hardly stood (ok, I don’t even know if there is a pun intended here!) a chance in an environment where women were not solely restricted to the specimens on campus, led to yet another round of the - by now – routine exposure of the depths that the male gender can plumb when faced with the hugely favourable odds of 1:500 rather than the 1:5 billion that would be faced outside campus. (The fact that the female gender may be willing to wait for more favourable odds for themselves, has never really struck the male gender. This is perhaps aided by the fact that Jerry Seinfeld summed up in the words, “We men seem to end up with women anyway!”)

DG: Wow maan! She’s hot. I think I shall propose to her before I leave campus.
DM (spilling coffee all over my jacket in my shock): Whaaa? Errr… as in…WHAT?
DG: Yeah! Can’t hurt… I mean, this is my only chance after all…
DM: OK, so you think you have a chance, but like, isn’t it true that you’ve never spoken to her?
DG: Yeah, but she must surely know who I am…

Then of course, there was the Students’ Council election that was coming up. That was brilliant of course, what with the fact that only the ones with the lowest absolute IQ seemed to deem it fit to ‘stand’ for election. Not that anyone was complaining of course, given the manifestos that were written and the deep and philosophical thoughts that the candidates revealed themselves to be in possession of. Like this candidate, who revealed that her top priority if elected would be “to ensure that there is student representation on the Faculty Council.” Of course, in her esteemed opinion, it was a completely different proposal to that of having Faculty members being on the Students’ Council, but hey, perhaps the rest of the campus was just not smart enough to see her point… That she still ended up second in the polling stands as testament to the fact that even IIM students have senses of humour…and compassion…and libido…

The Term was not even half-way through and already there was plenty to talk about…unless you were the HR prof of course. For want of any other evidence, it was never alleged too seriously, but there were serious doubts over his state of affairs (No, no idea if the pun is intended, but his appearance would suggest it isn’t anyway) at home, but he did seem to have a major point in common with the students… The opinion that classrooms were quite definitely contraptions that were invented by those that had a very good idea of what surrounds would stimulate the best sleep…

Till later then… The mid-terms are here and surely that merits a break… and no, not of a leg…