Monday, December 06, 2004

A Lifeless Dream or a Dreamless Life

There's a growing feeling of emptiness these days. Somehow I'm not able to pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering me. It's a gnawing feeling that I am succumbing to a vacuum. I feel like I am being sucked into something that I do not want to be a part of, but am unable to resist. The harder I try to get out of it, the more I get pulled into it. What is more astounding though is the reaction it seems to be having on me. I seem to have become more jovial when in public. It's almost like an involuntary defence mechanism.

It all came upon me suddenly this afternoon. Was sitting with a friend of mine and we started discussing the way we see life. Suddenly he asked me what it was that made us seem like two diametrically opposite people when we essentially thought in almost exactly the same way about life. Hit me then that the only difference, if you can call it "only", is that while he is content to let his personality show, I seem to be running away from people. I'd rather let people see me as the exact opposite of what I am. I feel intimacy is the biggest weakness. But how long can one run? How long do you hide yourself?

Sometimes I feel it's just something fundamentally wrong with me. After all, why am I the only one here who is not hankering after what I term the mundane? And then there is this feeling of, "F*ck the world. F*ck what they think".

Ultimately, each of us has a dream. Each of us would love to achieve it. Some reconcile their dreams to what they term realistic. Some don't. Amongst those who don't, there are the ones who muster the courage to step away from the mad rush and achieve their dreams. Follow their calling. What about the rest? I wonder. Which path shall be mine? Or maybe, I shall be forced to be content with living a lifeless dream....

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