Wet Knickers and Chysanthemums...

Was directed by Father Murgi – Priest of the Wastrels (Sri Murgi Vella Swamy) to his latest blog post about, yes, you guessed it, his love for his name and the varied mutations it has undergone at the hands of the followers of the Dark Side, such as…well, such as everyone who knows him frankly. Which self-respecting bloke could ever resist having a crack at a name like that after all?

Not that I have been exempt from ‘name woes’, mind you. My surname is given to easy mutation and the worst of it is that the mutation – and there is basically just one – is never creative! It is simply, well, there! Anyway, I still think I get off quite lightly. After all, being a guy, there are far worse things that can happen to you than being called a woman’s undergarment! But there were so many poor souls who really had no such luck either…

Parents, you see, have this great yearning to name their children in the image of either what they truly love most… Or what they believe their children should be like…

And then of course, there are those who want their children to be advertisements of their own prowess at…well…child-bearing I suppose… The Goans and Mallus were quite exceptional in these fields I found out when in school. For all you Gults out there who complain about your names being the directions to reach your great-grandfathers’ birthplaces, imagine living with the names below. At least you chaps get away with initials!

Cinderella D’Costa: I don’t know if she slept in the cinders, but I assure you that she was constantly and cruelly assured that she looked as if she did…

Whiskey Chacko: With an elder sister named Brandy (spelt with a ‘y’), what chance was there of this being an accident? (All puns and insinuations fully intended)

Conception Dias: What did I say about the kid being an advertisement?

Aashik Pinto: Didn’t help having all those Hindi movie titles. Couldn’t have helped him with the women either. “Hi! I’m Aashik…”

Koshy Kosky Koshy and also Varghese Varghese… Do I really need to state the issues here?

Then of course, there are those names where you really can’t tell the name. I remember this chap introducing himself to my manager at an earlier organization I worked with…

“Sir, my name is Dixit Roy Mahidhara”
“Oh! So, don’t mind my asking, but is your surname Roy? Or Dixit?”
“Sir, my surname is Mahidhara…”

Not that initials always help of course. There was the curious fate of the man with an initial at the end of a perfectly normal-sounding name. Shrikant Kiran… How unfortunate then to have an initial ‘D’ appended to the end of that name… I wonder though, if it was merely evidence that someone in his family had a particularly sadistic sense of humour… As anyone can see, the most common question among people who knew him was, “Well then, who is Shrikant?” So much for being a Gult who did not have a roadmap substitute for his name…

Then of course, there was this chappie in my college called Pradeep Singh Brar. At the ‘Senior Hunt’, the clue for his name read, “His name is Deep; preceded by a Pra and succeeded by a Bra”. Ouch… Being a Punju didn’t help with the Pra bit either I guess…

I fail to understand though why people can’t be more considerate with their kids’ names. I mean, just lay off, please! You name us and that’s the beginning of the end. What about the fact that the kid is the one that labours through life carrying that insane burden? Imagine going through life with a name like one of those mentioned above.

I know that there’s nothing really that one can do with the surname, but surely you can be careful with the name you curse the kid with! I mean, Father Moogooran, Lord of the Wastrels, may have grown to love his name over time, but how can one live with being called Conception? Or, well, having your name denote your belonging to the oldest profession?

I know that people think the names are beautiful, but hey, if you’re toying with the idea of naming your kid Chunamani, please do think again. I know that the Southies think it’s an exquisite name, but for just a moment, think of what that name’s going to become on the playgrounds…

I swear I know a chap called ‘Virgil’. I mean, puh-leeze! Ban that name already. Others include ‘Chastity’ and ‘Purity’. Not to mention that I have heard of (not met, but heard of from a very reliable source) a person called…wait for it… Immaculate… Sigh… I wonder… Do they have a chance? (at whatever your twisted mind deems it fit for them to have a chance at ;-) )

Then of course, there is the matter of the part of the name that the parents really can’t do anything about. Like that prof who entered our class in junior college and sternly informed us that she didn’t like her name being ‘mutilated’. Unfortunately, turning Gulanikar to Geela knicker did not really involve any genius… Sigh…

And then there was the sad case of the guy named ‘Bhaiya’. Of all the luck he had…

So the next time you think of complaining that your name makes you the Lord of Wastrels or sounds like a roadmap, pause a tad and think of what could have been… As they say, ‘a chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell…’