In Mars We Trust - XI

I have really never understood why women are so obsessed with this whole maturity trip! What makes maturity such a desirable quality? Specially considering that none of them is able to define it!

I personally believe that ‘maturity’ is something invented by women who lack any fun in life to explain just why they are so lifeless and why people who are full of life are to be pitied rather than admired. That’s why a ‘mature’ person won’t go out and party or just decide to do something that he/she feels like regardless of what other ‘mature’ people would think about it!

She: What? You watch WWE??? (The erstwhile WWF for those who’re wondering)
Me: Yeah, so? I think it’s funny!
She: But that’s so immature!!!
Me: Eh? Why?
She: Well…it…it just is!

Immature. Ever counted how many times women use that word? It’s almost like they have some sort of fetish for using that word. Everything a guy does that a woman doesn’t like or approve of, it’s immature! So, drinking beer in a pub with friends while watching a football game is of course the height of immaturity.

Please note though, as a guy, it’s highly recommended that you do not try to debate the relative maturity of sitting all evening watching Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, contemplating falling in love with a plumber or of course, discussing the dimensions of the assets of the sundry partners that one has had. Experience tells me that women tend to segregate the maturity of these activities based on gender…and then of course, they call us the sexists!

Sample this, if you will:

Me: So, what did you do over the weekend?
S: Nothing much. Some friends came over, so we were discussing what X plans to do when she gets married…as in on ‘that night’.
Me: What?
S: Yeah! I mean, she was discussing how they got to Base 2 last time and…
Me: Excuse me! I mean, you discuss explicit details…damn, you probably even discuss dimensions in that case!
S: Yeah! So? Big deal!

Next day:

Me: Yeah, well K was just talking about how his fiancée has pretty weird taste in tops…
S: What??? You discuss your girlfriends with each other???
Me: Err…so? I mean, it’s not like we mention even a tenth of the stuff you people do!
S: No way! That’s so ungentlemanly! It’s so…so…so immature!
Me: So, what is maturity?
S: Well…just acting…I mean, just behaving in a mature manner…you know…well, you know what I mean…it’s just being mature!!!

There you are then. Typical female hypocrisy… This really got me thinking though. Just what is it with women and this whole maturity trip?

You watch WWE? That’s so immature!
You spent the entire evening watching football and drinking beer? That’s so immature!
You like driving fast? That’s so immature!
I can’t watch a Rowan Atkinson film! It’s so immature!
Mithun? Ewwww! How immature!
You like blondes? That’s so immature!
How can you wear T-shirts with slogans? It’s so immature!!

And then, in a moment of pure frustration, the truth struck me, like a teak bulwark would strike a sailor doing an Archimedes impression on the deck on a sinking ship (Tragic analogy perhaps, but at least you get the drift!). It’s the same concept as that old joke:

Q: Why do women close their eyes while kissing?
A: Coz they can’t bear to see a man having a good time!

It’s true. Women, I have grounds to conclude, essentially believe that men have no right to have any fun, lest it is with them around to approve and thereby make the men feel even more slavish than they did before! It’s their complete lust for control in its most blatant and uninhibited form, though some might say that the word blatant is misused here as they do mask it ever so beautifully in the garb of ‘maturity’ and trying to ‘alleviate the poor male soul’, trying to - as Florence Craye and Vanessa Cook so beautifully worded it – ‘nurture the latent potentialities of the sleeping mind’. *Sigh*.

I rather think that this is the very reason that women prefer older men. Let’s face it – with no offence meant to the senior citizens that the mayor of Bangalore would have us believe are out assets – older men don’t really have that many outlets for fun apart from those nubile young women they romp with…and of course, the women enjoy the shopping for those ever-so-mature beauty aids!

Come to think of it, when was the last time a chappie with a girlfriend really had a good time? I can’t think of anyone who can claim to have had one…without his girlfriend being around to approve of course…and of course, apart from those romps in the back rooms which I should not mention (since I am a guy) and which the woman is around to approve of as a mature act anyway…yeah…the same romps that the women dissect when they are indulging in mature verbal intercourse!

I wondered after reaching these illuminating conclusions though, as to what the remedy to this dilemma may be. After all, one does not wish to upset the fairer sex for fear of the fact that we may deprive them of the opportunity to discuss a romp – a romp which, if I be permitted to say it, we men enjoy much more than the women enjoy the discussion (after all touch is more potent – in more ways than one – than words! How much can a Penthouse letters do for one after all?).

The bottomline guys, is that unless you’re really stupid you will fall for that maturity thing. And no, there was no typo in that previous sentence. Remember, at the end of the day, she can’t really police you all the time…and hey, there’s no real match in the real world for a good old-fashioned romp… And to top it all, Ten Sports re-telecasts WWE in the mornings…so you don’t miss the really good and enjoyable part of life either!