Friday, December 24, 2004

In The End, Does It Really Matter?

We keep "changing" ourselves. Reinventing, as it is described by people. For several people it is not as if they have changed at all. It is the effect of their peers and their ambitions. "How To Be A Good Leader", "How To Be An Effective Manager", "10 Steps To Self-Improvement". All these and more provide you with insights on what to change about yourself......or, what to project yourself as.

So what are we doing? Do we assume that there's a pattern, a formula for success and all those achieve success are virtually clones of each other? Can't it happen that I am "different" and succeed in life? Do I really have to conform at every stage? It sickens me at times to see how these things work. Everywhere you have people running around trying to be clones of their idols, trying to overcome weaknesses not by recognizing them but by trying to paper over them.

And just WHAT do these people want? What do these clones actually want out of their life? Well, if you were tto ask, they wouldn't really know. It's more of a thing of....well, the herd's running to Point X, so my aim is to get there first and be the! Some aim...and what after that? What if you do indeed reach there? Will it really fill your heart with contentment at having achieved what you really wanted? Chances are, it won't, because you never really knew what you wanted in the first place....which of course, will actually ensure that you never will win....after all, even if you're ahead in the race, you're still a rat!

Freedom of expression and thought are really the biggest myth of our times. You have no right to differ from what the "gurus" have proclaimed, be it Philip Kotler or Keynes or Bill Gates or indeed Tom, of Tom, Dick and Harry fame. You must obey the "norms" of society. You must do what is "acceptable", you must BE what they WANT you to be....WHY????

So ultimately, you're just a confused mass. You feel one way inside, but don't dare say it openly. After all, that would be blasphemy. "God" would frown upon you.....what would "society" think? Sometimes I wonder if we ever will see the day where we CAN actually exercise our will to even a small degree.....

Monday, December 06, 2004

A Lifeless Dream or a Dreamless Life

There's a growing feeling of emptiness these days. Somehow I'm not able to pinpoint exactly what it is that is bothering me. It's a gnawing feeling that I am succumbing to a vacuum. I feel like I am being sucked into something that I do not want to be a part of, but am unable to resist. The harder I try to get out of it, the more I get pulled into it. What is more astounding though is the reaction it seems to be having on me. I seem to have become more jovial when in public. It's almost like an involuntary defence mechanism.

It all came upon me suddenly this afternoon. Was sitting with a friend of mine and we started discussing the way we see life. Suddenly he asked me what it was that made us seem like two diametrically opposite people when we essentially thought in almost exactly the same way about life. Hit me then that the only difference, if you can call it "only", is that while he is content to let his personality show, I seem to be running away from people. I'd rather let people see me as the exact opposite of what I am. I feel intimacy is the biggest weakness. But how long can one run? How long do you hide yourself?

Sometimes I feel it's just something fundamentally wrong with me. After all, why am I the only one here who is not hankering after what I term the mundane? And then there is this feeling of, "F*ck the world. F*ck what they think".

Ultimately, each of us has a dream. Each of us would love to achieve it. Some reconcile their dreams to what they term realistic. Some don't. Amongst those who don't, there are the ones who muster the courage to step away from the mad rush and achieve their dreams. Follow their calling. What about the rest? I wonder. Which path shall be mine? Or maybe, I shall be forced to be content with living a lifeless dream....