Most of us spend our entire lives deluding ourlseves. We dream up situations that we want to believe we are in. We even dream up personalities that we believe are us. We cloak our failures in the garb of "successes waiting to happen". When things go wrong, we try to assure ourselves that it's "all for the best"....that there is something better waiting for us round the corner....that the clouds have a silver lining.
So why does that silver lining remain just that? A silver lining. But the delusions continue. We erase from our minds, or try at least, to erase the disappointment and the frustration. Until one day, at times years later, it all comes rushing back. And still the attempts to delude continue. Why can't one just face the fact that it happened and that it just totally sucked? Why must it always be a case of "forgetting about it" or "getting over it" or "snapping out of it"?
The worst part of it all is the damn sickness you feel when you realize it's all essentially pointless. The greater the delusion, the more the grandeur of the environment we dream up around us,. the harder it is when it all comes down....like they say, the higher you go, the harder you fall. SO perhaps, it is but apt that the highest "highs" precede the greatest lows.....
At times the future seems like a mirror. You were always told that history repeated itself, but you never believed it. Then someday, something happens, and you're back there. You see it all unfold again. But there's a difference. You're not in the past, you're in the present. And yet, you make the same mistakes. It's almost like the feeling of going down in a whirlpool. You see the impending disaster. You know the feeling. You've been there before, but you can't stop yourself this time.
You're still hoping the outcome will be different. After all, they also tell you that lightning doesn't strike twice.....ah, well, they forget perhaps, to add that it might, when it's not just high voltage bolts from the freaking sky. So much for analogies......and yeah, there have been instances of even those hitting the same spot on a lot more than just one occasion.....
Monday, March 28, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
Over the Shoulder
Exams, yes they're here again, and really, they could not have been scheduled at a better time for me. At times, it's amazing to see how much they help you just turn your focus away from certain things. I've seen two types of exams really......one where I royally screw them up (that's situation normal really) because my brain's just not there....it's too occupied by something else. The other, is where I just use the damn things to focus completely on something other than what's been on my mind....
Most of us are who we are because of what we've been through. Some of us lose belief in ourselves, some lose belief in the people around us and some lose ourselves. When I look back, at times I can't understand the person there. What caused the feelings that were experienced? Where's the naivete? That wide-eyed wonder, the smile and the anguish.....I love the way things change :-)
Pools of tears shed by clouded eyes,
Reflecting a joy that passed with the tide,
Trees flitting by as speeds rise,
Floor stopping the pedal going further
Heading to a land no mortal can find,
Never stopped him from making one more try,
The questions haunt the night, the answer's inside,
The thirsty find too late that the well's dry
When kneeling in servitude before the crown,
Did the urge rise within or was it nothing at all?
Why hold it down, we're all bound to fall,
Survival the key, burying all that's gone
I passed him in the streets and now he's gone,
Taking with him all I had ever known,
When the storm ceased the future was gone,
Or maybe what remained just stood now too tall
Most of us are who we are because of what we've been through. Some of us lose belief in ourselves, some lose belief in the people around us and some lose ourselves. When I look back, at times I can't understand the person there. What caused the feelings that were experienced? Where's the naivete? That wide-eyed wonder, the smile and the anguish.....I love the way things change :-)
Pools of tears shed by clouded eyes,
Reflecting a joy that passed with the tide,
Trees flitting by as speeds rise,
Floor stopping the pedal going further
Heading to a land no mortal can find,
Never stopped him from making one more try,
The questions haunt the night, the answer's inside,
The thirsty find too late that the well's dry
When kneeling in servitude before the crown,
Did the urge rise within or was it nothing at all?
Why hold it down, we're all bound to fall,
Survival the key, burying all that's gone
I passed him in the streets and now he's gone,
Taking with him all I had ever known,
When the storm ceased the future was gone,
Or maybe what remained just stood now too tall
Sunday, March 13, 2005
...and this is life
The past few days have been amazingly busy. I've been occupied all the time, doing nothing. Funny as it may sound, it's really an occupation in itself. You just lie around, seemingly aimlessly, wondering about various things, working things out in your head (or in my case, TRYING to work things out) and find that the time's just flown by...
Also rediscovered a love for watching movies. Funny really, that on a campus with over half a terbyte of movies, I should start after 6 months, but really, in the time after Engineering, I had totally lost the keenness to watch movies. Seemed like a total waste of 1.5-2 hours of the day......so many more and better things could be done in that time.....
Anyway, re-watched some movies that I love and saw some new ones too, all in a vain attempt to keep the damn mind occupied. And yeah, I really identify with Melvin Udall and Harry Burns......seemingly different characters, contrasts almost, but their thought processes do strike me as similar in some areas and their personalities are a bit like me at times :-). Specially Harry....
"Sometimes, bad things happen and you can't do anything about them". A line from one of the movies I just saw.......but are there any people who do this? Just leave everything to the mythical creature called "God" and move on? Can we really do that? I don't know. I can't, at least. Sometimes, life's just not understandable. Actually, most of the time, it's not. But does that really mean you stop trying to figure it all out, and straighten up the mess? Do you really just "forget" about things?
I don't think we ever forget anything really.....I hate people saying that, "Forget about it". Because the more you try not to think about something, the more you really are thinking about it, just in the attempt not to.....so what then? Do we really accept things? Ultimately, none of us do. We delude ourselves into believing we do and we try to keep moving, but the truth is that until you face reality, you're carrying the burden. It's not something you just wish away or something you can turn off like a damn switch......it's there all the time. Oh, and by the way, even in the movie, the character does have to go back and face reality....as I said, he can't forget it and just move on, as most people love advising us to do.....
It's something I am seeing happening to a friend of mine.....two friends actually. And that's made me realize that the one thing that none of us can really do without is that belief in ourselves. These two are different people in every sense. While one has lost belief due to not having any answers, the other has lost belief due to something that happened earlier in life. But how does one live if you can't trust yourself? How does one live if you don't know what you yourself are worth? Can anyone really achieve anything in life without knowing what one is worth?
Guess I am not the ideal person to make this statement, but the way I see it, unless you really believe that you deserve something and are worth it, you'll never get it. Whatever people may say, most people only get what they truly believe they can......and this, is life......
Also rediscovered a love for watching movies. Funny really, that on a campus with over half a terbyte of movies, I should start after 6 months, but really, in the time after Engineering, I had totally lost the keenness to watch movies. Seemed like a total waste of 1.5-2 hours of the day......so many more and better things could be done in that time.....
Anyway, re-watched some movies that I love and saw some new ones too, all in a vain attempt to keep the damn mind occupied. And yeah, I really identify with Melvin Udall and Harry Burns......seemingly different characters, contrasts almost, but their thought processes do strike me as similar in some areas and their personalities are a bit like me at times :-). Specially Harry....
"Sometimes, bad things happen and you can't do anything about them". A line from one of the movies I just saw.......but are there any people who do this? Just leave everything to the mythical creature called "God" and move on? Can we really do that? I don't know. I can't, at least. Sometimes, life's just not understandable. Actually, most of the time, it's not. But does that really mean you stop trying to figure it all out, and straighten up the mess? Do you really just "forget" about things?
I don't think we ever forget anything really.....I hate people saying that, "Forget about it". Because the more you try not to think about something, the more you really are thinking about it, just in the attempt not to.....so what then? Do we really accept things? Ultimately, none of us do. We delude ourselves into believing we do and we try to keep moving, but the truth is that until you face reality, you're carrying the burden. It's not something you just wish away or something you can turn off like a damn switch......it's there all the time. Oh, and by the way, even in the movie, the character does have to go back and face reality....as I said, he can't forget it and just move on, as most people love advising us to do.....
It's something I am seeing happening to a friend of mine.....two friends actually. And that's made me realize that the one thing that none of us can really do without is that belief in ourselves. These two are different people in every sense. While one has lost belief due to not having any answers, the other has lost belief due to something that happened earlier in life. But how does one live if you can't trust yourself? How does one live if you don't know what you yourself are worth? Can anyone really achieve anything in life without knowing what one is worth?
Guess I am not the ideal person to make this statement, but the way I see it, unless you really believe that you deserve something and are worth it, you'll never get it. Whatever people may say, most people only get what they truly believe they can......and this, is life......
Friday, March 04, 2005
A Glimpse of the Scheme
There are people and there are attitudes. Just which is the way one should go? How does one know? Felt that way today when I was sitting with this chap and discussing some academic things today. Suddenly it wasn't about academics any longer....for me.
Here's this person who's facing similar things to what I am facing. The same course, the same profs, the same papers...and yet, our reactions and methods are so different. Here I am, a person who's just so completely disillusioned with everything that I have completely stopped making an effort almost. I am probably working at 5% of my potential efficiency and I know it....
I procrastinate to the point of making it a full-time profession almost. I'd rather just lie around, listen to music and ponder over things than pick up a book.....unless it's 3 hours to go till the exam. And he's the kind of person, who ignoring everything around, is completely focussed only on what he is here to do.....so where's the difference? Probably, just that he knows what he wants and is able to block out everything else.....
Or do I know really what I want? Am I just too scared to face what I really want? A look at where I stand in my class shows clearly that from being a topper (setting bloody school records n stuff), today I comprise the set of people who just scrape through every course. I guess what makes it bad is that occasionally do wonder why I am doing this at all....why don't I have the courage to just walk away from this, if I don't really want to do this?
Maybe it's just the fear of walking down a path that I want to follow but feel will not allow me to survive the world. Maybe it's just that feeling of not wanting to let down my folks. Or maybe it's just plain not knowing for sure.....the hope that someday I might just wake up feeling 'normal' and comfortable with the current scheme of things. Where did things begin to go wrong?
I need to make up my mind fast about all this I guess....
Here's this person who's facing similar things to what I am facing. The same course, the same profs, the same papers...and yet, our reactions and methods are so different. Here I am, a person who's just so completely disillusioned with everything that I have completely stopped making an effort almost. I am probably working at 5% of my potential efficiency and I know it....
I procrastinate to the point of making it a full-time profession almost. I'd rather just lie around, listen to music and ponder over things than pick up a book.....unless it's 3 hours to go till the exam. And he's the kind of person, who ignoring everything around, is completely focussed only on what he is here to do.....so where's the difference? Probably, just that he knows what he wants and is able to block out everything else.....
Or do I know really what I want? Am I just too scared to face what I really want? A look at where I stand in my class shows clearly that from being a topper (setting bloody school records n stuff), today I comprise the set of people who just scrape through every course. I guess what makes it bad is that occasionally do wonder why I am doing this at all....why don't I have the courage to just walk away from this, if I don't really want to do this?
Maybe it's just the fear of walking down a path that I want to follow but feel will not allow me to survive the world. Maybe it's just that feeling of not wanting to let down my folks. Or maybe it's just plain not knowing for sure.....the hope that someday I might just wake up feeling 'normal' and comfortable with the current scheme of things. Where did things begin to go wrong?
I need to make up my mind fast about all this I guess....
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Hanging By a Thread
I'm an actor. I never reveal my emotions in public and am generally pretty good at covering up my emotions in a way that no one really knows what I am thinking (at least, I'd like to believe I'm good at it ;-) ).
I hated the idea of confiding in people. It was just...well, just not me. I don't need people, I don't need sympathy. To borrow the words a friend of mine used, "I'm essentially not made to be with people". Quite true in a way. But what really sucks is vulnerability. If you're weak and then say something to let it out....somehow, everything falls apart.
Then you need to talk. You need to express things all of a sudden. It's not that you want to TALK to people, you balk at the idea, but now you do need an outlet.....and that's when you've got to be careful. Say too much and you'll regret it, sooner rather than later, most often.
That's actually what made me write. It's an outlet at times and yeah, it's a cool way to just be abstract, say nothing and yet feel relieved of the burden at times......ah well....
A friend of mine mailed me this one.....I'd written it ages ago...Engineering college I think. Very immature, very childish....but attached to it...sentimental me, I guess ;-)
By the lakeside, standing still,
Eyes surveying barren hills,
The world seems like the surface calm,
Hiding beneath it the storm,
Like the sea, so endless,
So dry when it all seems so wet,
Stretching into eternity,
Every life a tale of misey
Overhanging clouds of guilt,
And tales of courses forgotten,
The forks behind telling a tale,
Of chances lost and mistakes made,
And still he walks down lonely streets,
Hoping one day good luck to meet,
Does he believe it's for the best?
Why then are dreams laid to rest?
Once again she passed him by,
Like rocks bereft of a lighthouse,
No danger signs; nowhere to run,
Journey's end nowhere in sight,
Steer clear, how long will it last?
The ritual's nearly over; doesn't seem right,
The picture's burnt, but still remains,
He's tied to it inside his brain
I hated the idea of confiding in people. It was just...well, just not me. I don't need people, I don't need sympathy. To borrow the words a friend of mine used, "I'm essentially not made to be with people". Quite true in a way. But what really sucks is vulnerability. If you're weak and then say something to let it out....somehow, everything falls apart.
Then you need to talk. You need to express things all of a sudden. It's not that you want to TALK to people, you balk at the idea, but now you do need an outlet.....and that's when you've got to be careful. Say too much and you'll regret it, sooner rather than later, most often.
That's actually what made me write. It's an outlet at times and yeah, it's a cool way to just be abstract, say nothing and yet feel relieved of the burden at times......ah well....
A friend of mine mailed me this one.....I'd written it ages ago...Engineering college I think. Very immature, very childish....but attached to it...sentimental me, I guess ;-)
By the lakeside, standing still,
Eyes surveying barren hills,
The world seems like the surface calm,
Hiding beneath it the storm,
Like the sea, so endless,
So dry when it all seems so wet,
Stretching into eternity,
Every life a tale of misey
Overhanging clouds of guilt,
And tales of courses forgotten,
The forks behind telling a tale,
Of chances lost and mistakes made,
And still he walks down lonely streets,
Hoping one day good luck to meet,
Does he believe it's for the best?
Why then are dreams laid to rest?
Once again she passed him by,
Like rocks bereft of a lighthouse,
No danger signs; nowhere to run,
Journey's end nowhere in sight,
Steer clear, how long will it last?
The ritual's nearly over; doesn't seem right,
The picture's burnt, but still remains,
He's tied to it inside his brain
Saturday, February 26, 2005
In The Corner of My Mind
Scribbling time again. It's amazing what a good prof can do to stimulate you. "I don't know mathematics, that is why I call it outsourcing", said the prof....and I was off....mentally that is. I mean, he's right in a way, I guess....after all, "what's in a name, outsourcing by any other name would be as cheap", I guess, is what he meant to say....
Sometimes, a forced change of perspective does one a world of good. A week ago, this statement would have had a very different effect on me. Today however, I had a good laugh and just shut out the rest of the lecture.....
When it's time to pretend,
I just want to run and hide,
From the morning light,
That long-lost will to fight,
Every ray pierces my eyes,
Clouded too long by sights,
Of things you said to deceive,
Things I did to make believe
I may never have excelled,
But you didn't even try,
Just lived a dead man's life,
Or was it something behind,
The shell so hard, so cracked,
It's what was once inside,
In each corner of it you find,
A me that never was I
Sometimes, a forced change of perspective does one a world of good. A week ago, this statement would have had a very different effect on me. Today however, I had a good laugh and just shut out the rest of the lecture.....
When it's time to pretend,
I just want to run and hide,
From the morning light,
That long-lost will to fight,
Every ray pierces my eyes,
Clouded too long by sights,
Of things you said to deceive,
Things I did to make believe
I may never have excelled,
But you didn't even try,
Just lived a dead man's life,
Or was it something behind,
The shell so hard, so cracked,
It's what was once inside,
In each corner of it you find,
A me that never was I
Thursday, February 24, 2005
When You Look At It That Way....
Been offline the past few days for a multitude of reasons. But feeling great today. Refreshed almost. Inspite of the busted nose (bled a river), cut lip and everything else, top of the world! And no, the nose and lip were not busted in a fight over a woman or wrestling crocodiles in the river. I just happened to fall!
I wonder how many of us have been typecast by people around. You know, called things like "fun", "bright", "spontaneous"....that's normal, but how about "slimy", "unpredictable" and then that word, "fast"! It came up in a discussion I was having with a friend and immediately I was back in college. Fab memory for me, to be honest.
"He's fast, you know. When he's in Bombay he's either lying drunk and stoned on a beach or he's in bed with some woman". Wow! What a reputation to have!!! And all within the span of three days, three days in which I hadn't even SPOKEN to any of the women on campus! Quite confounding to be honest....and amusing of course.
My father had (most annoyingly) decided to accompany "poor" me to campus to see me off (Boy, was he disappointed when I appeared soooo relieved to see him leave), and so quite obviously, I had been on a streak of abstinence while he was around (he still doesn't know my "bad" habits) so it was quite amusing to think about how I acquired that reputation :-D
But well, let's face it. I liked it. It was like, you know, flattering. After all, if the women found it so easy to believe that I was a womaniser (they believed I had like a ton of girlfriends whom I kept swapping and changing) then, there must obviously be something they found attractive. Hmmm.......am still struggling to find just what that thing was....but still, I can take heart I guess.....there is hope ;-)
Sad to say, I spent the my stay in college happily single. Contradiction in that line? Well, the sad part comes fdrom the fact that I was single outside college as well :-(. The only interest evinced in me was by a woman 2 years my senior who thought that if I was such hot property, there must be something to me. Sadly (once again), she graduated too early.
And of course, there was that amazing scene when I was confronted by a friend of mine who said, "Well, we have been seeing each other for quite some time....so I really think it's time to get serious". And I was like, "Ummm....errr.....we're seeing each other???? Coz like, errr....this is like, ummm.....news to me". And I was just looking at her and my mouth must have been hanging open creating a look as if I was impersonating a goldfish or something......but like, seriously, how does one react when someone you regard as merely a casual acquaintance tells you that you have been seeing her???????
Ah well, life's like that I guess....when you look at it that way.... :-)
I wonder how many of us have been typecast by people around. You know, called things like "fun", "bright", "spontaneous"....that's normal, but how about "slimy", "unpredictable" and then that word, "fast"! It came up in a discussion I was having with a friend and immediately I was back in college. Fab memory for me, to be honest.
"He's fast, you know. When he's in Bombay he's either lying drunk and stoned on a beach or he's in bed with some woman". Wow! What a reputation to have!!! And all within the span of three days, three days in which I hadn't even SPOKEN to any of the women on campus! Quite confounding to be honest....and amusing of course.
My father had (most annoyingly) decided to accompany "poor" me to campus to see me off (Boy, was he disappointed when I appeared soooo relieved to see him leave), and so quite obviously, I had been on a streak of abstinence while he was around (he still doesn't know my "bad" habits) so it was quite amusing to think about how I acquired that reputation :-D
But well, let's face it. I liked it. It was like, you know, flattering. After all, if the women found it so easy to believe that I was a womaniser (they believed I had like a ton of girlfriends whom I kept swapping and changing) then, there must obviously be something they found attractive. Hmmm.......am still struggling to find just what that thing was....but still, I can take heart I guess.....there is hope ;-)
Sad to say, I spent the my stay in college happily single. Contradiction in that line? Well, the sad part comes fdrom the fact that I was single outside college as well :-(. The only interest evinced in me was by a woman 2 years my senior who thought that if I was such hot property, there must be something to me. Sadly (once again), she graduated too early.
And of course, there was that amazing scene when I was confronted by a friend of mine who said, "Well, we have been seeing each other for quite some time....so I really think it's time to get serious". And I was like, "Ummm....errr.....we're seeing each other???? Coz like, errr....this is like, ummm.....news to me". And I was just looking at her and my mouth must have been hanging open creating a look as if I was impersonating a goldfish or something......but like, seriously, how does one react when someone you regard as merely a casual acquaintance tells you that you have been seeing her???????
Ah well, life's like that I guess....when you look at it that way.... :-)
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
The Dream Has Gone.....
Just been through the worst day of my life...again. Spent the entire day thinking about something that's gone.....ah well, we all have these phases.
Had an exam and botched it up royally. For some reason (not going to say what) today my mind was just not where it should have been for an exam. It was very far away....both in space and in time...it had fled to a place where I would so love to be...a place I know I will never reach.
I started this blog in August....it was a time when I was going through a fair bit of turmoil...and a time I was introspecting a lot to understand just who I was and why I seemed to be on the path to self-destruction.
A fair bit of time has passed since then. I've had a few ups (errr...can't remember...but must have had, I guess...), more than just a few downs...and a lot in between. I've seen some really sad things happen to those I care for (though they are only a handful) and I've wondered why I don't have the strength to tell a friend why I feel that the decision he/she's taking is bound to have bad repurcussions......the fulfillment of my own visions has given me more pain than I thought the inital thought would have got me (if I had stated it).
I've realized that I can't really change myself back to who I used to be....although I know I would probably be so much happier that way.....
So today, I am introspecting once again...and wondering why I have been sitting here for the past 3 hours, alone, with a glass of scotch (constantly replenished of course) in my hand....why? Because, ultimately I guess, I'm right where I was when I wrote my first post to say things I can't say to people I know....
What makes me think this? Well, read a post on Red's blog that brought the memories flooding back....but they made me realize one thing....one of the most important things has changed......
In August, there was something I wanted...today I don't....because I know I can't fulfill that dream. In August I had no outlet. Today I do. In August, I felt, well, wasted....today I feel, there might just be something more left that life might have to offer me......whether a kick or a caress, I know not, but I will live to find out...
In the end, thanks Red....it was a miserable day...but I will go to bed (after this peg) a much calmer person....thanks again....
Had an exam and botched it up royally. For some reason (not going to say what) today my mind was just not where it should have been for an exam. It was very far away....both in space and in time...it had fled to a place where I would so love to be...a place I know I will never reach.
I started this blog in August....it was a time when I was going through a fair bit of turmoil...and a time I was introspecting a lot to understand just who I was and why I seemed to be on the path to self-destruction.
A fair bit of time has passed since then. I've had a few ups (errr...can't remember...but must have had, I guess...), more than just a few downs...and a lot in between. I've seen some really sad things happen to those I care for (though they are only a handful) and I've wondered why I don't have the strength to tell a friend why I feel that the decision he/she's taking is bound to have bad repurcussions......the fulfillment of my own visions has given me more pain than I thought the inital thought would have got me (if I had stated it).
I've realized that I can't really change myself back to who I used to be....although I know I would probably be so much happier that way.....
So today, I am introspecting once again...and wondering why I have been sitting here for the past 3 hours, alone, with a glass of scotch (constantly replenished of course) in my hand....why? Because, ultimately I guess, I'm right where I was when I wrote my first post to say things I can't say to people I know....
What makes me think this? Well, read a post on Red's blog that brought the memories flooding back....but they made me realize one thing....one of the most important things has changed......
In August, there was something I wanted...today I don't....because I know I can't fulfill that dream. In August I had no outlet. Today I do. In August, I felt, well, wasted....today I feel, there might just be something more left that life might have to offer me......whether a kick or a caress, I know not, but I will live to find out...
In the end, thanks Red....it was a miserable day...but I will go to bed (after this peg) a much calmer person....thanks again....
When It's Over
Some things just don't leave the mind. They play on and on...and the harder you try to block them out, the more they flare up. But then, think about them, and it's all the more frustrating, because that's the last damn thing you want to do.
Listening to Cemetary Gates (Pantera). What a song. Always gets to me. Exams are over. How were they? Can't say really, will probably know only when the marks are declared.....not that I care right now.....
Listening to Cemetary Gates (Pantera). What a song. Always gets to me. Exams are over. How were they? Can't say really, will probably know only when the marks are declared.....not that I care right now.....
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Peering At The Ceiling
Exams do this to me sometimes....can't stop my mind wandering.....guess that explains my grades.....and yeah, I apologize if I'm boring the crap out of you....but hey, like I've said before....it's my blog ;-)
Something fights to stay alive,
Twitch catching the corner of his eye,
He turned to look and heaved a sigh,
And walked away into the night
Save the thorn upon the arm of man,
But heads are raised and will try,
The will of man to defy
A walk on down lanes of memories,
By chance his own shadow he meets,
But seeing what he does not believe,
Peering through the glass at the mystery
No one talks and no one speaks,
But the words swirl in the air he breathes,
The body’s still but thoughts deny,
A long lost friend, a peace of mind
Strolling perchance by the lands,
He’d so often wished he’d never find,
Cracking of twigs from behind,
He looks for shadows he can’t find
Sleep eternal he can’t deny,
Fighting the urge to shut the eyes,
A desperate glance inside will find,
Wild thoughts turning to that first time
Crawling back to the hole behind,
Lying with face turned to the sky,
Beckoning to him that walks on by,
In vain he tries to catch his eye
With morning will come rays of light,
Shining through the leaves above him,
What will they find, a truth or the lie?
His fight’s over, it’s time to die…
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