When Nightmares Live

Two and a half years had passed since that fateful day. Yet it felt just like yesterday to him. He lay back and lit another cigarette as he thought of it.

It was a strange feeling. He stood at the edge and contemplated the options. He'd never been out so far before. He was drawn into this, he thought. Drawn into this misadventure by forces he was not able to resist. Standing where he did, he felt cold and naked. It wasn't the nicest feeling. He longed for the warmth of where he'd left.

Looking back at the what led him to this, he realized that what was galling him the most was that the very solitude he was revelling in earlier was becoming painful now. He looked down from the cliff....he could still see what lay down there....somehow, it steeled him to face what he'd been avoiding. He turned back slowly, but purposefully. It was done......

The cigarette had burnt right down to the stub. It burnt his lips this time. He winced as he threw it to the floor. Why couldn't he just quit the damn thing? Needed to try at least....and yet, even the realization that it was ruining him physically wasn't enough to drive him to quit. He'd done it once before....quit.....and stayed off for a year and a half. And then, the blow had fallen. He didn't want to share it. Scared? Or maybe just too obstinate in not wanting to take support. After all, he'd never shared the good times either....so why now? And who'd understand anyway?

He decided to take a walk to get his thoughts in place. On the terrace, he stood still and as the wind hit his face, he pondered a bit.....looked down....thought about it and knew what had to be done....

Master of Puppets

A few days back, when I mentioned that each person has facets within our personality, someone retorted that in fact, we don't HAVE facets, we just choose to develop and project them. Set me thinking about whether he was voicing a different viewpoint or whether he was just stating what I had said differently, at the fundamental level.

We do indeed try to choose just how to project ourselves. But can't there actually be various facets of our own selves that we choose to project? After all, I may choose only to show a jovial side to a set of people. But that doesn't have to mean that the people who see a manic depressive see wrong. Read some books on this.....can't say they helped.....for the first time I realized what it's like to be the audience for someone who loves being abstract :D

Is it good to be open with people? To let them see you for what you really are in all aspects? To let them really know you? My opinion has always been that it's not. It's better to be guarded and let as few people know you as possible. Choose those people wisely and you will be better off. Yet someone started arguing this with me recently. Noticed his nick then (it was an online argument)......it was "X". Errr....thanks, so you revel in the use of the anonymity of cyberspace to state your view that we should be open....ironic?

Crime and punishment, the battle's eternal,
The convict sentenced to a lifetime in our world,
The worst seems past, the mind's so blank,
The reasons beneath, lost in a whirlpool of time,
Blinded by joy, punishment forgotten,
Treading on streets with a carefree face,
The lasting misery never seems to be real,
Enthusiasm spills as he joins the mad race

Ranged against a plethora of beings,
Each with his burdens, each one to his own mind free,
The spirit battered but still so supreme,
The road ahead seems suddenly so steep,
Fatigue setting in but pushed on by a rage,
To ensure he's not just a bit-man on the stage,
But playing a role he chooses to play,
He's as free to dance as a puppet on strings

The Throne Once Again Is Occupied

There was a throne once , the ruler of which chose to abdicate. The reasons were unknown. And yet, today, the King has decided to return. The best interests of both the King and his kingdom are served. And I delight in this turn of events. The uncertainty is ended. The chaos forgotten. All that reigns is the serenity of still air.

Had an amazingly deep discussion today with a batchmate. We covered theology, philosphy and contrasting viewpoints on choice, Fate, life...and of course Death. After all, no discussion can be complete without thinking of Death. It is after all the destination our lives are headed to. Ultimately, while some may fear it and some avoid thinking of it, it is the end, and the beginning. The one thing that noone can explain and yet the one thing that everyone must face.

Is there a God? Probably not. At least not the way we are taught to believe. After all, if everything you are taught about God is true, then how does one explain life? As my colleague mentioned, it would make life "more illogical and irrational than I care to admit". It would kind of bear out that dialogue, "God's an absentee landlord".

I'm getting drawn into this cesspool of thoughts after today's conversation. After a long time, I delved in within again....deep within...and the results were pleasing and frightening at the same time. All the answers lie within. The whys and hows are all answered within...and yet we "seek". And we seek outside. Why do some of us need answers while the rest are happy to live in ignorance? Are they happy? Is happiness real. If you ask me, happiness is a fleeting moment of insanity. A mirage, a myth that we want to believe in......because it hides the truth for the moment that it clouds our vision.

And yet, I meet another person who looks at me and says I delve too deep....and that, as per him, is the reason for what he terms my cynicism. But am I really a cynic? Or, as I like to believe, a realist?Are they really that different in today's world?

Perspective....maybe....

One needs to view everything with the right perspective. I'm sick of hearing that line. What is the right perspective? Everyone has a way of thinking. I have mine and I can't change it. I look at every situation from every possible angle. But can it really be said what the appropriate angle is? There will be takers for every possible angle, every perspective. Some think purely logically, as if everything was a transaction. Some think otherwise and look at other aspects.

While I may think there is one angle that is more important for me than the others, there will be thousands who think I am wrong. Yet, can anyone really pronounce judgment? No! Because it is only when YOU, yourself are on the spot that you realize the pressures, the pulls that determine your decisions. How can someone on the outside tell me what's right for me, not knowing the position I am in....and more importantly the way I perceive my position and my priorities?

I thought of this today when I found myself on the verge of telling a person about "perspective". And about how to view things....and then I realized that I too have yet to find "perspective", yet to define the whys and wherefores.....

Wrote something after quite some time today....maybe it's just the pointlessness of sitting in an IIML classroom that drives me to this.....perhaps I should get GPRS and blog from class ;-). Wonder if that's possible.....somehow the best ideas flow in class.....

Skies of blue reflecting the red haze,
A rattlesnake coiled but killed before strike,
The mazes that confuse with the million ways,
Show me just one, the rest my mind never evaluates

The working of the complexity framed by my hands,
Hits the mind with the simplicity of denial,
The crime of innocence like a fish on land,
The torment dies, but it takes its time

Overflow of time, heavy on my hands,
Emptiness inside keeps the mind so occupied,
And barren lands where once a deer ran,
Extend so far, the end evades sight

The most jumbled thoughts, the messiest mind,
Perceives the beauty hidden in the depths of the mire,
And in the plentiful dearth time flies by,
As destiny again makes a mockery of choice....

I Choose My Destiny......

...or does destiny make my choices? I speculated once on whether Fate or free choice were what decided the course of our lives. I never was sure. But the more I see, the more it strikes me that perhaps choice as we define it, does not really exist. It's just a myth that makes us feel good.

I am not a believer in Fate to the extent of saying "whatever will be, will be"; I believe that one's efforts definitely are what shape the outcome, but that said, the outcomes of most of our actions seem to follow a pattern, a predetermined pattern. After all, when have we ever really been able to make a choice?

Every time I analyze any situation where I made a "choice", I realize just how optionless I actually was. The constraints make our choice for us. Whether it is our way of thinking, the circumstances, or of course, as happens so often, "gut feel". So, what does all this add up to? Simple, you never really made a real choice. You were shown a number of alternatives and simultaneously, told which one you had to take. Choice? No choice.

And there are so many times you can see it happening each day. Your mind may tell you that you shouldn't do something. Yet you end up doing it. What was that? Choice?

But can we really afford to let go of "choice" as a belief? Not really. It's something like God. It may or may not exist, yet when you're not strong enough to handle the truth (Reminds me of the dialogue..."You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" ;-) ) , choice, like God, seems like a good support system.

There's an Aeroplane Up In The Sky

Yeah! It's a Floyd mood. Get into these at times. Helps relieve the mind, or does it? At times I really wonder whether Floyd is my relief or whether it is what reminds me of the cage. Both in a way. How did they manage it? The metaphors, the emotions, the philosophy, all cloaked in the most beautiful words imaginable. Every song seems to have something to offer, something to make you think about.

And every emotion you can imagine is covered. Every true emotion. What aspect of life is there that Floyd miss out? Nothing. Be it a deep depression or just a plain expression of life without the masking frills. Everything is Floyd........if only I could write half as well. We all feel the emotions. Which is why we can all identify with Floyd at some level or the other. That is what makes them the band which would have influenced the thinking of the maximum number of people I know. Everyone who thinks has heard Floyd and been inspired by them......

So today, I shall just lie and soak in the words, the thoughts and the philosophy

"Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath the blue, blue sky"

"The flames are long gone, but the pain lingers on..."

" Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home."

"And no one showed us to the land
And no one knows the where's or why's.
Something stirs and something tries
And starts to climb toward the light. "

"Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me.
And do I take you by the hand
And lead you through the land
And help me understand
The best I can. "

"And no one sings me lullabies
And no one makes me close my eyes
So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky...."

"And far from flying high in clear blue skies
I'm spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide. "

"And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?"

How much do I quote?

Of Whispered Dreams

The past 24 hours have been a revelation. I've discovered some aspects I never thought existed. And somehow things are a lot different.....well, actually hings are the same....my perspective is a lot different. I spent the last 24 hours talking with an assortment of friends. On very different things. And yet, somehow, everything came back to the same point for me. Mentally.

Yet today, path seems clearer. The destination is still nowhere but the road there seems a lot l;ess cluttered than it was. I'm still the same. Still lost and without a clue about how to return to the place I was once headed to, the place I know should still be going. And yet, the load's a lot lighter, the mind's more at peace. And while the belief may not be there, the turmoil is lessened somewhat. For no ostensible reason, I seem a lot more calm today than I have been for a few weeks now. No legdes, no concrete ground clouding my vision. It's all flat. It may be a desert, but it's got an end.....I may not be able to see it, but even if I don't find the end, the end will find me.

Two situations. So alike and yet so startlingly different. Two phases, so dissimilar. And yet in a way, the similarity was chilling. Somehow though, I realized last night that in a way I am very lucky. There are things we throw away, there are things we fail to see, things we fail to acknowledge exist....and then there are things we misjudge. The last are perhaps the worst mistakes we make....at least the worst mistakes I make. I'm still not sure whether I should call them mistakes, but for want of a better word right now, I shall.

I'm abstract. I love being that way. Why? I shall never know. Perhaps it's the inherent fear of letting things out, the inherent fear of letting people know. Either way, it's something I can't change. There was once a building that broke under its own weight, due to its amazingly simple intricacies which ensured that a single stone could wreck it (For want of a nail, a kingdom was lost). Yet, where the edifice once stood, there still is the need to restart. Motivation is something one cannot afford to lose, even in the face of Hell itself. And yet, at times, it does get lost. Does it return? Can it return? I hope so. When? Time will tell. But there must be a beginning; ironically, the beginning must signal the end.

Am I the way I would want to be? Would I change anything about myself? Ultimately, no. I know my weaknesses. I know my failures and also know what will cause me to fail in future in certain fields. Yet, I'd rather stay this way and accept those than risk another course. Somehow, my comfort zone is too dear to me. I'd rather be alone in a room contemplating, introspecting and evaluating than risk attempting things I am not sure of in the hope that I will succeed. Somehow, that is me.......sad? Perhaps. But definitely true.

How much is too much?

In turmoil. These words just sum up totally what I am feeling like inside my head. It's a feeling that I am not entirely used to. I'm generally in control of what I do and am able to resolve conflicts within myself easily enough. At least I like to think of myself that way ;-). Yet, now I am feeling as if I have reached a breaking point within. I know I need to make a decision and yet I know not when to make it and which way to sway.

What is risk? And what amount of risk is enough to make you shelve a course of action? I guess every situation and every person has a different answer and each of us needs to decide where our thresholds are. If confronted with a pit in your path and if told that there was no way forward other than this.....if you knew you couldn't jump across the pit, what would you do? Would you turn around and walk back trying to find an alternative path? Would you just wait and hope for something to happen to either make the pit disappear or a new path appear or a means of getting across, whether by a miracle or otherwise? Or would you decide to try and jump across the pit anyway, hoping that even if you fell, you would rise again and climb out of it, to find another way?

If you did decide to jump, how deep would the pit have to be, for you to change your mind about trying the leap? After all, beyond a certain point, the depth itself would convince you that what you stood to lose by attempting the leap (limbs or perhaps even life) was not worth the possible benefits.....

I stand today at such a point. I know not what to do....yet I do know that I must make a decision. For the longer I defer it, the more turmoil I shall undergo......yet, the question remains, how much is too much? I shall go crazy if this goes on too much longer...

Ode to the Nice Guys

Received this in my mail. Really nice. :-D. And of course, I agree with this one totally. This chappie, whoever it is, has expressed the thing perfectly......Read at leisure....it's bound to give pleasure..... ;-)

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This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
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This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

The Similarity of Difference

As someone rightly mentioned in a comment, being "different" is today in vogue. It is considered the "in" thing. But, what really does one mean by "different"? Does having a dream make one different? Does wanting to be a rockstar or a poet make one different? Not really, if you ask me. Each one of us has a dream....so having a dream is in no way a factor that makes us "different". Wanting to be a Harsh a Bhogle or a Kalpana Chawla is not being "different".

Then what is? Being yourself. Today, most of us are too caught up in being "politically correct", we are too obsessed with living up to standards we perceive as having been set.....standards that we must meet to justify our status in life. We are too obsessed with these to pursue our dreams....and more importantly, we are too caught up in this to ever express ourselves in the true sense of the word....

When was the last time you had to say something you didn't really believe in, just because you knew if you said something different, you would be, well, politically incorrect, or else, because you felt your view wouldn't go down too well.....chances are it happens pretty often...with most of us, it happens daily....several times....we must say certain things, because, well, that's the done thing.....and THAT is what I object to....why must we conform? Why must everyone think alike? Being an I-Banker in NY is to be successful. Does anyone ever oppose this in a public forum? Errrr....I think not.....not the "done thing", y'know....

Someone I know said that to be oneself, would be to be selfish. I think not. Actually, if anything, it is possibly the exact opposite. If you are yourself, you are letting the other person know just who you are. After that, at least you know that if you have a friend, that friend is yours, not the friend of that fictitious being you project yourself as. You can't let down this friend, because this friend obviously knows you and therefore knows what to expect from you. You can't betray that person's trust.....