Of Vince's Death And Clients' Breath

“Dude, Vince McMahon died dude. Did you see that? Bad dude…”

Huh? I mean, like, WHAT? Now I really have seen it all. The chappie who said that stuff to me was a 29 year old Engineer. Heck, he refused to believe me when I told him that the WWE was all fake. He actually believes that the little twit John Cena really does all that stuff and that the Undertaker really is what they show him to be and all that… And there I was thinking that guys learn about the WWE being fake about a year before they’re told that Santa Claus doesn’t exist… Just shows you how much I overestimate the IQs of my fellow humans…

Well anyway, this incident – happened yesterday in case you are wondering – prompted me to look back upon some of the time I have been working and recall all the stuff I have been forced to listen to over the past year that has been at such a level. Surprisingly, I find that there is an over-abundance of riches in this regard and that’s what has prompted me to jot them down here. The intent, quite honestly, is not to get a laugh, but to record these here and be able to read them later and laugh rather than bang my head against the walls and tear my already thinning hair out… Oh and yeah, none of this is doctored… It’s all written verbatim.

During client interactions:

V: M, in this field on this screen where it asks me to enter the coupon number, can I enter alphabets instead?
Me: No V. As it says there, you need to enter a number.
V: OK. But is it case-sensitive?

V: M, how could you miss out this feature in your design yaar?
Me: Miss out? You never asked for that at all!
V: Oh come on M. If I am expected to tell you everything I want, then what are you here for?

V: But M, while I acknowledge that you are right, I can’t accept what you are saying.
Me: But V, someone here needs to be logical!!!
V: Yes. But I can’t be.

Me: See, compare the Parent and Child Items given here with the values for the Child and Parent given in the other place and if they match then blah blah…
(2 weeks later, in the middle of chaotic scenes where the stuff is just not working)
Me: But what the Hell? Isn’t it made as I said?
R: Yes, I matched the Parent here with the Child there and the Child here with the Parent there…
Me: Yeah, sue me for thinking you were higher than 1 on the IQ scale…

Me: V, you said that this was what was needed last week! Now how on Earth can you ask for something completely different???
V: M, don’t talk about last week yaar. I forget things after 4-5 days… Just go by what I tell you… That’s all…

V: Guys, but why has work on Phase 2 not started?
C: Because work on Phase 1 is not yet complete.
V: That’s ok yaar… Just make Phase 1 later. Right now ,just make Phase 2 properly…

V: M, is that document complete?
Me: Eh? How can it be? I don’t yet have any of the detailed process parameters you are supposed to give me… What will the input parameters be?
V: Actually, we are not aware of the input parameters right now…
Me: Hmm… OK… And what is the output required?
V: That we shall decide next week… But please design the process flow for the system by tomorrow…

At a client meeting:

A: Hmmm… So, from the BCS side, M will be handling this. Who will handle this from our side?
V: (raising hand) Me! I’ll take care of it!
A: OK. Now, in the next two weeks we’ll need you to prepare the initial documentation with M and then taking M’s inputs, you will need to make the presentation for the SMC.
V: Yes… Yes… Will do.
A: So, can we set the presentation date as being two weeks from today?
V: Yes. Absolutely! One thing though, from tomorrow, I am going on leave for 3 weeks…

Yeah, I swear these incidents really have happened. No kidding. Then of course, there are the delightful exhibitions of intellect that I endured in my classroom sessions in college that I have detailed. And what can one say about the experiences I have documented in my Mars posts? All in all, I think I can deem myself to be fairly fortunate going by the share of hilarious experiences that life has hurled my way… Like this one at the Airtel showroom the other day:

Me: I’m having a problem paying my bill online.
Rep: Oh sir! (sorrowful expression) Sir, may I ask what the problem is?
Me: I’m unable to login. It tells me to reset my password and says that the new password will be SMSed to me, but I never receive the SMS!
Rep: Oh sir! So sorry sir. Sir, then, can I ask you to please login using your password and then lodge a complaint online?

Or a great bank:

Me: I need to
Rep: Oh sir. Sir, for this you need to have your PAN number associated with your account and that is not done as of now.
Me: Oh! Can you do it right now then?
Rep: No sir. For that you need to use the online banking facility.
Me: Ah! OK. Now, I have forgotten my password for that.
Rep: No problem sir. You can apply to reset it and we will mail you the new password within 5 working days...
Me: Mail me for an online thing? Damn! I need this urgently. Can’t I get it faster?
Rep: Yes sir. You can visit the nearest branch and request them. Then they will complete the task…
Me: And how long will that take? It's faster you said. So will it be reflected immediately?
Rep: No sir. Not immediately, but it will be done within 7-10 working days…

And a classic from the client to close:

V: M, yaar, don't say that this is not within the scope and it's impossible and all yaar. I am also human yaar. I also breathe. So, think of that and try to help me and do this not for my sake but for that sake...

Yep. Thanks guys… It’s been a pleasure…

Stop Reading - Rant Ahead

Yeah, it’s that time of the year again when I finally get off my lazy backside and hammer away at my keyboard. Let’s face it, this is not being written with the purpose of writing anything, but simply with a view to breaking my workstation down and causing me, therefore, to have a nice break under that excuse…

One thing I have never understood is the levels of asininity that people so frequently descend to. Take a look at the comments on my previous post if you like. There are people there who say that I should not ‘unleash my acerbic tongue’ and others who believe that I should be politically correct because someone may someday crack a joke at my expense…

Guess what! I’m ok with that!!! I’ve said in the post itself that I don’t freaking mind! People who can’t take a joke are so like that little kid in the playground who screams and attacks the other kid with the line, “You called me a b*stard? You insulted my parents?” Jeez! Will you grow up?

Your comments are as sensible as a twit who wears a black suit with a light blue tie!!! It’s astounding really that anyone could wear anything as hideous as that and be allowed to live by those around, but then, so are your comments. Not that I give a rat’s ass by the way… And if you do, too bad.

Can’t put my finger quite on the reason, but I do seem to be a bit pissed off. Small wonder really. I am a consultant to a client who asks me if numbers are case-sensitive. I wonder now… Is that the person who authored those comments? He’s certainly capable of the blue-tie bit, so who knows? There surely can’t be too many people of that ilk in this world!!! Probably as rare as a brain cell in George W Bush’s head…

Life’s good, it must be said. Introduces one to all these sundry examples of brain-dead people and makes me feel quite nice and even charitable at times.

Oh and yeah, I know that this is not a proper post. It’s about as proper a post as Bangalore a ‘city’ or Gandhi a ‘Mahatma’. But hey, everyone has the right to rant.

Now, with all that out of the way and having spilt all the bile, let me start off by mentioning how glad I am to be back posting again… Now, I sure hope I can manage this regularly, but hey, gotta start somewhere… Chow-time now… Laterz…